Living together help!

[laur]

My boyfriend and i have been together almost 4years, for the last year or so he has been stayin with me at weekends and a few weeks ago we started to live together permenantly, Im finding living with him really difficult and ANY suggestions/ideas from other guys would be so helpfull,

Problem 1 He wont clean!! he wont do his fair share, he leaves the dirty plates for days if i dont do them. He just doesnt seem to see that the house is a mess or if he does he doesnt asociate mess with cleaning it up.Its driving me crazy, i work, im not a house wife, and i dont want to be but it seems my choices are dirty house or clean it.( im 26 hes 31.)He gets so angry at me nagging then we argue but if i dont nag he will not do it, what do i do?? i just want a respectable home, seriously i mean respectable im not clean crazy.

2, He goes with his friends a lot- hes been working away from home the last year and he says while hes seen me at weekends he hasnt seen them and his loosing them, but his friends are not in the same place in life as he is anymore ( living at home single ect) i understand he has to see them but everyday??? i feel like he doesnt want to be around me

3, PORN - he erm "enjoys himself" every night and every morning ussualy more than once, he watches pretty hardcore stuff and then wants me to try it out. I dont have a huge sex drive, i never have so i get that he may want to go solo a few times but is this to much? and what can i do about it?

4, this point is kinda uncomfortable but his personal hygiene is not great, i have to ask him to brush his teeth ect or his just forgets then gets really offended when i tell him his breathe stinks, this is also kinda one of the reasons i dont really want sex that much i mean he "enjoys himself" 3 times the night before then trys to prod me with it the next day without showering, but how do i say that without and arguement.


He isnt really that bad hes a pretty decent guy but i cant take this for the rest of my life, is it time to move on?
I just want him to keep himself and the home reasonable clean but when i ask he tells me he hates me nagging, hes sick of me nagging, he isnt going to do what i tell him to, i always want everything my way ect, this is a real big problem because honestyl i havent looked at him and felt any love for a couple of weeks now,

Guys PLEASE HELP US

[DannyH]

Better to find out now that you can't stand living with him then finding out when your married. Just move on. No amount of anything will get him to change his ways.

[laur]

Thanks Danny
The thing is i dont want o move on we loved each other once, he loves me and he a good guy.
Is this normal guy behaviour? there has to be another solution, does eveyone go throught this? anyone been through it and come out happily married on the other side?

[DannyH]

It really isn't normal guy behavior. It isn't even really healthy behavior for a guy that is in his 30's you could possibly get away with it at home when you were a kid. It's normal to be a little lazy but there is a line. Gotta have more then Love in the past to have a decent relationship. It takes two people for a relationship to work. He could be depressed but still he would want to have to help himself first. If you do stick around your gonna end up being like his 2nd mother.

[laur]

Any chance he will grow up on his own?
My mother told me that my father was the same untill i was born and although we arent trying for a child at the moment we have spoken about it ( i would love a child but he says its not the right time and i dont think he is mature enough to handle a pregnant partner never mind the baby, we are both employed, good jobs,healthcare,life insurance, homeowners ect...)

[DannyH]

from what you said. I doubt it. Your father my have changed which is an awesome thing that he did but think about it. What would you do if your man didn't change if you had a kid? Would you want to leave something like that up to chance? I wouldn't

[Windmillback]

All true, did you not get some hints from dating him for 4 years? If not, still better to find out now than later. There is no longer a standard of what is normal for a guy, we are all very different. A lot of guys do improve on the normal basics of life that you mentioned as we mature and we get to the point where we like cleanlyness. A week's worth of dirty dishes in the sink, not regularly brushing your teeth, etc. at age 30 is worrysome, might be dealing with a slob.
For a great relationship, love alone is not enough. It takes some compatbility, commitment to each other(and each other's needs and wants), respect and a little sacrifice (like safrificing a little time with your male buddies to spend some time with you.
Make sure that you communicate your frustrations clearly with him and in earnest, but do try not to become nagging, there is a difference. In doing so you may get a cold shower and find out that he is not willing to do anything to participate in this relationship, or he may hear your issues and start doing things because he cares about your concerns. Good luck.

[Katmeow85]

Move on. If he isnt willing to make compromises then there is no hope.

[VincenzoG91]

He sounds like a real loser. He's a stinky, messy wanker who neglects you in favor of his friends. And when you try to talk to him about helping with the cleaning, he argues with you. Tell me that he is at least paying his share of the rent and utilities. Maybe he has his good points, but he really doesn't sound like he is ready for a serious relationship. Try talking to him again about each of your four problems, and if he isn't willing to at least compromise, dump him.

[Charlie Boy II]

If you had one of those four issues, you could probably work it out. But you've got all four. It's just too many issues and it doesn't sound like he's going to change.

[laur]

Hi,
Thanks everyone, jeessshh i didnt realize it was that bad there doesnt seem to be anyone who thinks we should stay together,
I tried talking to him again today,we set a cleaning rota ect we will see how it goes,

[laur]

Make sure that you communicate your frustrations clearly with him and in earnest, but do try not to become nagging, there is a difference.

Thanks, any suggestions on how i could communicate without nagging? the thing is he just doesnt listen i know this is a typical woman thing to say but if he just did it i wouldnt have to nag

[DannyH]

how are you talking to him about that stuff? "you need to take out the trash" is a tad bit different then "can you take out the trash". Nagging usually involves you need to do this instead of just asking.