Uncertainty!

[Melinda01]

Hello everyone! I'll try my best to make the long story short...

Basically I'm in the very usual confusing situation that everyone pretty much has when they start dating someone...and I would like the guys' opinions on my guy of interest!

I met him through a community for international people in my area...he showed quite an interest in me the first two times we met on our group meetups...I texted him one friday and invited him out to join me and a friend of mine for a drink...we ended up to bed that night...after two days he was off for a business trip for 2 weeks and he'd promised to call me when he's back. He called me indeed when he was allready at the airport waiting for the plane back. Met again the very next day at a group gathering, and ended again back to his place...I told him I would give him a call to meet again next weekend. Didn't really had the chance to call him cause he called me first in the week to arrange for our date and he suggested to go out to dinner. He offered to pay for my dinner, had a great time and ended up to his place again! Then after two days he was off again but for vacation for two weeks...he has promised to call me when he's back...

Now it all may seem nice and happy but there are some stuff that I don't like and some that I like.
What I don't like:
- The fact that during this long absences of him when he's travelling he doesn't contact me at all. And everyone knows that people that don't see each other soon they forget about each other.
- Every time we end up at his place, the very next day he's always booked up a sporty thing to do with his friends from work.

What I like:
- That he indeed has done like he's said and contacted me every time he's promised (we'll see if he contacts me again when he's coming back from vacation...)
- The fact that during our sex sessions what he shows me is that his first priority is to satisfy me and that if for whatever reason he doesn't get 100% to the end then he doesn't care. I want to give him the same pleasure as he does to me but it doesn't seem that he's as much interested in that as in whether I am feeling nice and happy.
- The fact that he wanted to take me out for a dinner
- This is a little too detailed but still it may mean something: After the first time it happened between us, we met at a group gathering. No one from the group realised anything had happened between us cause we (at least I personally) didn't feel confortable to start kissing and hugging with him straight away in front of the surprise of the others. But by the end of the night when the drinks where leaving and coming we couldn't help it and started making out without caring about the group. When we met for dinner the next week, I asked him if he'd heard anything from anyone from the group after that wild night and he replied: " no, but I was expecting lots of sms where they would ask me why we didn't tell them about us"...My first thought was what should we have told them? That we ended up to bed? But I think that this is not how he saw the thing by that time?

Guys, put me out of my misery and confusion! Do you think there are good prospects that this can get serious? What do you think about the good and about the bad signs of what I've described? Should I give him a call while he's back at his home land? I've never really had the chance to contact him myself first...

My confusion lies between two states:
- If I never contact him myself, then he might think that I'm not that interested and after the distance that is created due to the vacations things will just fade away...I may give him a call and show him that I'm still thinking about him coming back and meet him again!
- If I contact him then I risk of him losing interest in me as the rules are saying "Don't call him!"

Help?

[Cain]

First, I just want to say that making out in front of other people is a bit tacky. It's a bit disrespectful to the other people at the table. Hugs, short kisses... all fine... but tongue kissing each other is just tacky.

Secondly, how often do you two hang out WITHOUT having sex? Is it possible that he just enjoys your company knowing that it will end in the sack? Does he want a relationship? Do you want a relationship?

[Gribble]

Why would you hang out with a chick if it wasn't going to lead to the sack...?

[Cain]

Why would you hang out with a chick if it wasn't going to lead to the sack...?

That's why my last questions were aimed at asking about whether they wanted relationships.

Sorry if I'm different, but I'm not ****ing every girl I date. I'd rather not find the person I want to be with and have my tally at 30. I surely wouldn't date a girl with that many partners.

[someonelse]

I agree with Cain. It also shows that u have more then just the physical in common and can carry a conversation. The beginning should be about getting to know each other (not physically). Unless you're l ike 14 at a make out party it's way tacky to make out public.

[Cain]

I agree with Cain. It also shows that u have more then just the physical in common and can carry a conversation. The beginning should be about getting to know each other (not physically). Unless you're l ike 14 at a make out party it's way tacky to make out public.

I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for nine months before we had sex. We had known each other for almost a year and a half.

I would have a hard time staying interested in a girl that I could get in bed within the first month. If I could do it, how many others could have done it? If she's had many sexual partners (At 21 or 22, I'd say that 7 is many), I'd lose interest. My girlfriend has had two partners... I'm her second. That is what I was looking for.

That's basically why I was seeking clarification from the OP.

[lastwish]

What I don't like:
- The fact that during this long absences of him when he's travelling he doesn't contact me at all. And everyone knows that people that don't see each other soon they forget about each other.
- Every time we end up at his place, the very next day he's always booked up a sporty thing to do with his friends from work.

My confusion lies between two states:
- If I never contact him myself, then he might think that I'm not that interested and after the distance that is created due to the vacations things will just fade away...I may give him a call and show him that I'm still thinking about him coming back and meet him again!
- If I contact him then I risk of him losing interest in me as the rules are saying "Don't call him!"

Help?

It looks like things are going well. Nothing to worry about. Don't worry too much about him not contacting you during the trip. People DON't forget about each other if they don't see each other for a couple of weeks or months. If it was years then thats another story. And the fact that he booked a sporty event with his friends just means he has his own life. No need to worry, its a good sign. And if you miss him, then contact him once in awhile (make sure you don't over do it). Let things flow. There's nothing to worry about.

[Tone]

You're a booty call.

You slept with him the first night you met up with him and you're thinking this could lead to something serious?

You're just a booty call.

[misombra]

you gave it up too fast. you have to keep your legs closed for a little while.

[lesa]

You did it backwards...seek relationship first then sex afterwards.

I disagree with just letting it flow into a relationship...you must let him know what you want and then let it flow. If you never tell him your desires, he may just continue to use you only as a sex partner.

[Melinda01]

Hi all! First of all, thanks for your replies! :-)

About the making out: Sorry but english is not my first language. By "making out" I meant hugs and kisses...nothing more! I wouldn't feel confortable for heavier stuff in front of the public! So...that's that..

I can understand why some of you people critisize the fact that I had sex with him that soon. What I can say is that first of all I didn't do that by the thought that I would start a relationship with him - it just happened and we both had a great time. But after seeing his nice and kind behaviour towards me then I'm starting thinking that I may could start something serious with him.

We didn't have the chance to meet many times yet in order to see whether he likes to meet me without ending to bed. but the thing is that everytime we meet I also look forward to the "bed" thing by the end.

I cannot understand why sex must be considered that bad. I don't view things like you people say..."booty call and stuff like that". So if he thinks about me like that and about every girl then he can go to hell as faras I know - I'm not depended on him and there are more people out there that don't have this crap of a mind and that they don't use girls sexually. But I have hopes for him...but time will show.

I have written quite a lot about his behaviour instead of just the fact that we had sex on the first night. And his behaviour is what interests me cause that's what it's all about. So I'd be greatful if you could people comment on this and not on the fact that I had sex that soon. Yes I had and I didn't do it with the thought of starting something serious. I liked it and I don't regret it. But after some times we met I start liking him for more. And was wondering if he shows signs of wanting the same thing.

Now I've got two replies from two different people here: One says to let this flow into the relationship. the other one sais to tell him exactly what I want. I don't know what is best to do. If I let it flow then I need to have patience and hope that this could lead to something. This is risky because he might think that I'm not interested for more and thus he may not see it in the way I see it. If I do let him know then I make it clear for him but then the risk is that I may become pushy and that I destroy the natural flow and magic of the whole thing...Things usually grow with time.

What's best to do??

Thanks in advance!

[lesa]

This is how I see relationships and communication. Yes. it if difficult to have that “talk” but really the talk doesn’t pressure him to do anything. It is used to determine if you guys expect the same things. Would you rather continue the relationship as is and hope or assume that he wants the same things? Do you know if he wants a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship or only a physical relationship? If you do not communicate your expectations early on, you two are going to have MUCH MORE conflict later. If he says no to a relationship, then good…you found out very soon that he was not what YOU WANT. You cannot convince him to have a serious, committed relationship with you and you cannot assume he will give it to you eventually. You are not giving him a commitment by telling him what you want in a relationship. On the contrary, if you two do not communicate your expectations early on, then you WILL scare him off because you could have different expectations about the relationship and he WILL feel pressured if you just go with the flow assuming he wants the same things.

Imagine dating a man and you two have a great time together…have casual sex, wine and dine, go dancing etc. In his mind, you are his woman and he behaves accordingly. You, on the other hand, have no desire for a committed relationship…you are just enjoying this short term relationship but you are not ready to commit to one man yet. He’s your “for now boyfriend” until someone better comes along. However, he tells you that he loves you and that he sees a long future with you. He tells all his friends and family that you are in a serious relationship, etc. etc. You, on the other hand, just wanted to go on few more dates with him and have a casual relationship. You have even developed an interest in another man that you feel is more compatible….someone you see as relationship material. Now, you feel horrible…you feel pressured, you feel negative and not positive about this man confessing his deepest feelings and making all those assumptions. You two argue. He gets emotional and you want to break it off right away. If you two had communicated your desires earlier then this scenario would have been minimized greatly. There is little benefit for you to just let it flow…you are going to disappoint yourself.

Do you want to keep dating him for years hoping he comes around? Meanwhile, he keeps telling you that he does not want a serious, committed relationship right now. That’s why I said that physical intimacy does not mean that you are in a relationship….going with the flow without communicating your needs will be a disaster. It will be difficult for him to see you as relationship material…you have to get that casual girl image out of his mind FAST if you want a long term, committed relationship with him. Find out if he is interested in a lover or possibly more than that. Simply tell him that you only want to continue the relationship if he doesn’t see other women, and only if he wants a relationship. See, saying that really won’t scare him away. In fact, if he feels the same then now he can feel more comfortable and confident that you two are in agreement.

[lastwish]

If you do want to have an exclusive relationship with him then obviously you have to tell him that. But what I mean by going with the flow is that you have to handle it gracefully. Which means you would tell him you want an exclusive relationship but you are not giving off an impression that you are desperate or trying to force him to do anything. Have a peace of mind and don't worry too much about him not contacting you enough or desperately trying to go into relationship mood in an instant. Thats going with the flow. Relationships unlike dating require committment so choose wisely.

[Soulkiss]

Guys love whores for sex but not for love. Now the question is, are you a whore? Ask yourself that... do you appear as a whore?

[Cain]

Hi all! First of all, thanks for your replies! :-)

About the making out: Sorry but english is not my first language. By "making out" I meant hugs and kisses...nothing more! I wouldn't feel confortable for heavier stuff in front of the public! So...that's that..

I can understand why some of you people critisize the fact that I had sex with him that soon. What I can say is that first of all I didn't do that by the thought that I would start a relationship with him - it just happened and we both had a great time. But after seeing his nice and kind behaviour towards me then I'm starting thinking that I may could start something serious with him.

We didn't have the chance to meet many times yet in order to see whether he likes to meet me without ending to bed. but the thing is that everytime we meet I also look forward to the "bed" thing by the end.

I cannot understand why sex must be considered that bad. I don't view things like you people say..."booty call and stuff like that". So if he thinks about me like that and about every girl then he can go to hell as faras I know - I'm not depended on him and there are more people out there that don't have this crap of a mind and that they don't use girls sexually. But I have hopes for him...but time will show.

I have written quite a lot about his behaviour instead of just the fact that we had sex on the first night. And his behaviour is what interests me cause that's what it's all about. So I'd be greatful if you could people comment on this and not on the fact that I had sex that soon. Yes I had and I didn't do it with the thought of starting something serious. I liked it and I don't regret it. But after some times we met I start liking him for more. And was wondering if he shows signs of wanting the same thing.

Now I've got two replies from two different people here: One says to let this flow into the relationship. the other one sais to tell him exactly what I want. I don't know what is best to do. If I let it flow then I need to have patience and hope that this could lead to something. This is risky because he might think that I'm not interested for more and thus he may not see it in the way I see it. If I do let him know then I make it clear for him but then the risk is that I may become pushy and that I destroy the natural flow and magic of the whole thing...Things usually grow with time.

What's best to do??

Thanks in advance!

I won't go on some long diatribe and repeat myself over and over so people here don't bitch and moan about how mean I am, so I'll just say this:

If you give it up so easily and don't make a guy work for it, you're going to attract the pigs. I know there are some exceptions, where some nice guys kept on when the girl gave it up so quick, but the good, respectable guys like a challenge. They don't want a girl that gives it up so easy. Sex isn't bad, but sluts are.