She used to do escort. How can I get past her history?

[harvey]

Hi Everybody,

I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years now. We have been long distance for one year. I just proposed to her a month ago and we are happily engaged. However, a few days ago, she told me that to pay for school, she had been a prostitute (worked for an out-call agency) for a year. It totally devastated me inside, but I know it was even more painful time for her.

She only did it because there was no other way to pay for school and living expenses (she comes from an unbelievably poor background), and it's hurt her for so long. She did it a few years ago, and she's cried herself to sleep for so many nights. When she told me, I was 100% supportive. I told her I wouldn't our love wouldn't change, and that I wouldn't see her any different. Truthfully, she is so good to me and I can't be with anyone else. I am also good to her, this is something nobody else in the world knows about, and she thought that this is something that she would take to the grave with her. But, she felt everyday that I didn't know that she was betraying me, and had to tell me. Well actually, I just could sense that something was bothering her, and it took me hours to get it out of her.

In any case, when she first told me, she said that I probably wouldn't love her anymore and wouldn't want to be with her anymore. I knocked down all of those arguments, but I did let her know how much it hurts me that she's been with so many guys now. I know it's some jealousy, and I know it's all in the past, but it still eats at me. I am getting much better, the first day I was totally shaking and had to call in for some emergency counseling to get myself calmed down. The first time in my life I have done that.

So, is this basically just a case of me needing to get past her sexual history? She knows that it hurts for me, and I've cried many times with her, but I keep telling her that I won't stop loving her. How can I make the pain go away, so that I can be a better man for her, to support her for all the pain she had to endure to make it to where she is today?

Thank you for your help.

[Lessia]

Harvey,
You are a strong guy! Congratulations on being so confident with your love for her. In my opinion, she didn't tell you until you fell madly in love with her because she too is in love with you and didn't want to lose her. I think she had every intention of telling you eventually because she can't/no one can live with that kind of guilt and a fully functioning relationship. There's probably a lot of details you still don't know and she should be open to answering any questions you have if it will help you over her past. I know it's probably harder for her to deal with it but she needs to understand that now she's opened pandora's box, that you may want some more info. Seeing as how she came out and told you, i have every confidence that you can rely on her telling the truth and giving you the info willingly. If there are things that are bugging you, don't burry the hatchet, ask her about them. It'll take time to get over for you, probably longer than her because she already knows everything that went on, but don't give up, you love her. You can make the pain go away by following your gut.
maybe you need to know more
maybe you don't want to talk about it
whatever it is that you need, ask her, don't not ask because you don't want her to have to relive it. You're engaged, your lives become one, and she knows this, or she wouldnt have told you.

Good Luck!
-Lessia

[BFTrick]

I have always wondered how someone can cope with a past like this.

But it looks like your a champ. You have already answered her worries, and it looks like your getting over your own concerns. I'm sure it will get better soon.

Keep us posted.

[Gribble]

Do you know what name she went by in the escort industry? If you've got a morbid curiosity you can probably get a surprising amount of information on her and her activities. If you know where to look. Not that that would be healthy for you to do, though.

[DoesntMatter]

As long as she is a nice girl now

[harvey]

Well, it definitely hasn't been easy. She has always been good to me, she has never hurt while we have been together. As much as this hurts, it is in the past, and she didn't do it while she was with me. I am much better than I am before, in any case.

The positives of being with her just outweigh anything in the past. I do want to ask a lot of questions, and I have already. However, sometimes when I hear the answers, it just hurts me and her more, so I'm almost afraid to ask sometimes. I do know all about the # of guys, where she did it, how much it hurt (physically actually, as she wasn't really that comfortable with sex for a long time, she got bad vaginal cramping), and how much emotional pain it caused her. If she didn't get through school, she really would've had to go back to a poor life in the countryside, with not much prospects for the future.

It's still hard though for me, to imagine her with other guys. I know it was purely a surivival thing for her, and that she has no emotional connection to those guys (more important for girls I know), but those images still haunt my mind.

One thing though, is that I am seeking professional counseling, because since they see these things everyday, I think they can help me sort through my thoughts much better. For thing is for sure, as much pain as this causes me, I don't want to ever use this against her, in an argument or otherwise, it would hurt her too much.

But any advice, and any thoughts? It's always great to hear from a variety of opinions to get my heart sorted out on this matter. Thank you!