Help me understand why such a bad person for me has such a hold on me.

[redbox]

Hello,

I’m 32 and have a long story to tell, will try to abbreviate whenever possible but here goes. I have been dating a girl (8 years younger than me) for 11 months.

Pretty much since day one she has lied to me about all things. Some brief examples are: She would claim that a guy friend was just that, a guy friend and never has been anything else to her. I would later find out that these supposed guy friends were all ex-boyfriends that she still liked to keep in touch with. I have my doubts on what exactly “keeping in touch with” means. But that fact that she wasn’t honest about them up front bothers me.

She also has a daughter, this is relevant to the lies part because she had this daughter at 19 years old by lying to her boyfriend about being on birth control so she could get pregnant. She to this day has never been honest with him and swears to him that she was on the pill at the time. Within the first month of us dating she told me over the phone, “I have something to tell you.” Long story short, she was pregnant. She claimed it was her last boyfriend’s baby, and that she had already had an abortion the previous month but something went wrong and they missed the baby. She had already scheduled another abortion, but wanted to be honest with me. I was taken back, but respected her honesty and didn’t hold any hard feelings. She had the second abortion without any problems.

At the time that she and I started dating, I was going through a divorce. My wife and I had very peacefully split up, and were filing for a no contest divorce. We had to do all the legwork; separating the houses, cars, back accounts, IRA’s all that good stuff. Then we could file for the no contest divorce, and be done with it. My girlfriend would constantly give me a hard time that I wasn’t divorced and said I was not putting her first. This went on for a few months before I finally told her, “Listen, you knew I was still married when we started dating. You’re not accepting me for who I am. I’m working on the divorce as best as I can and would appreciate you understanding that. I understood when you told me about your abortion and have never given you a hard time”. Well she lost it, told me I have no right to compare this to the abortion. Not only did she have to kill that baby once, she had to kill it twice. I felt terrible and apologized.

Not long after that, my girlfriend invited me to the bar with her friends. I went and was sitting at the bar with her when she said she had to go to the bathroom. After several minutes I wondered where she was and looked behind me to see her standing holding another man’s hand. I was confused to say the least, and asked her about it when she came back. She proceeded to tell me that she was not honest about her earlier “repeat” abortion. She had the first successful abortion, but then the next month became pregnant with this guys baby. She was telling him at the time and that’s why she was holding his hand. I was hurt, because I was lied to and deceived because she made me feel terrible for something that was a lie. She didn’t have to kill a baby twice, she killed two babies.

The one positive thing I can say about the relationship is we had amazing chemistry. Sex was frequent, and amazing. She was very affectionate and physically made me feel good. Emotionally I felt like crap because of being constantly lied to.

Her daughter is a brat, and my girlfriend has no control over her. She also has no interest in taking control, because as she says, “she’s 3, she’ll grow out of it.” She applies this to everything her daughter does. We were the couple that everyone stared at in disbelief when out in public with her daughter. I often wanted to go up to people and say, “it’s not my kid, and if it was you can believe she would not be acting this way.”

Basically this was our relationship. 11 months of hurt, lies, deceit, and dealing with one spoiled rotten kid. We’ve been broken up for 4 months now. However, she still swears that she loves me and has learned from her past mistakes. I still catch her in lies. I know she was a bad person for me, I saw it, my family and friends saw it. However that damn chemistry gets me every time. There is something about this girl that gets me every time. I know I shouldn’t believe her, but I always find myself giving her the benefit of the doubt. I firmly believe she is a compulsive liar. Has anyone had any experience with a person like this? And what’s wrong with me to keep getting sucked into such a horrible person’s lies and ways of control?

Thanks all who took the time to read this, I know it was long but trust me it could have been so much longer.

[Mish]

Congrats for getting yourself rid of a compulsive liar redbox! Not many people have the will power to get rid of someone bad for them, especially when there's such addictive chemistry's in place. As for the future, you know she's not right for you. Chemistry aside, you two won't be able to have a peaceful life together, one of you will drive the other one up the wall. This is not the kind of a relationship you need. You'll need to find a way to untangle yourself from all these feelings. Stop conctact with her. Go out an start engaging in a physical activity, slowly she will become just a memory without any strong emotional attachments.

[Gigabitch]

Dude. I put some paragraphs in there because there are only about three people who are willing to deal with the Wall of Text.

Okay, she's a liar. I have experience-once-removed with this, quite a bit of it. You see, my brother has dated many liars and is now married to one. I have a theory about why he goes for these women, and yes, it involves quite a bit of sexual chemistry.

Our mother was a liar. A big one. She was very invested in making sure everyone saw her as The Victim of every situation and if there wasn't a convenient situation, she would create one. My brother grew up with this whole knight in shining armor fantasy about how he could save every broken girl he found because he was all warped by our mom.

He would get emotionally entangled with these broken women, many of whom had really dire issues surrounding sex and defined themselves on how crazy and wild they could be in bed. Bad combination.

Sound familiar? Just a theory, of course.

[redbox]

He would get emotionally entangled with these broken women, many of whom had really dire issues surrounding sex and defined themselves on how crazy and wild they could be in bed. Bad combination.

Sound familiar? Just a theory, of course.

Sound familiar? Sounds like my life for the 11 months spent with her. She always got a kick out of Buckcherry's "crazy bitch". Think she thought of it as her motto. Ironic how the personality traits are the same in compulsive liars, even though the people are different. She always blamed all of her problems on other's and made herself to be the victim. Amazing!

Already I feel the healing through the responses. Anything else would be greatly appreciated.

And ps, sorry for the wall of text (thought that was a funny way to put it), I didn't realize that the "enter" button worked on this computer. Now I know.

[bluesummer]

Trust is a huge part of a relationship, and it's pretty obvious that if you stayed with this girl, trust would ALWAYS be an issue.

I, too, give you kudos for walking away. Just stay away. Lying is a habit that's hard to break, and I sincerely doubt that in four months she's rid herself of that nasty habit. There's someone better for you out there.

[Only-virgins]

People leaving their wives and other people lying. Meh, tried to find someone in here to have some pity for but nothing.

[redbox]

People leaving their wives and other people lying. Meh, tried to find someone in here to have some pity for but nothing.

Interesting...Not sure what you're driving at but all are entitled to their opinions.

Anyway, I never said I left my wife, I said we peacefully split up, and this was prior to the relationship I'm discussing. I also am not looking for pitty, but an understanding as to how I got so tangled up with someone who's motives were not the best. I'll gladly accept any positive responses to help me establish the clarity I'm looking for. I have to assume that there will always be one with the opinion of disgust, so to that I thank all that have helped me so far.

Thank you.

[Only-virgins]

but all are entitled to their opinions.

Thanks. She is to young though. She will expect you to be the father figure with money and independence for her while she goes out and screws her much younger friends. She will figure you for the fool and think that you are somehow privileged to be with someone as young as her. This can be the case as it is in many of them. Sorry.

[redbox]

Thanks. She is to young though. She will expect you to be the father figure with money and independence for her while she goes out and screws her much younger friends. She will figure you for the fool and think that you are somehow privileged to be with someone as young as her. This can be the case as it is in many of them. Sorry.

Good call, because this is exactly what happened. She always said to me that I'm lucky to have such a young piece of meat. She always wanted me to take care of her daughter, but never wanted me to parent her daughter. On many occasions I was home watching her daughter while she went out to get something to eat with a friend. It's very frustrating to me now looking back on it, and not seeing what I see today. All for sex, stupid stupid me. I guess I can't hang my head in shame for too long. Need to learn and move on.

[Junket]

You were her bitch.

If you don't enjoy being a bitch, then shut her out of your life.

[Only-virgins]

Good call, because this is exactly what happened. She always said to me that I'm lucky to have such a young piece of meat. She always wanted me to take care of her daughter, but never wanted me to parent her daughter. On many occasions I was home watching her daughter while she went out to get something to eat with a friend. It's very frustrating to me now looking back on it, and not seeing what I see today. All for sex, stupid stupid me. I guess I can't hang my head in shame for too long. Need to learn and move on.

Lucky to have such a young piece of meat? Thats not fair for her to say that to you specially since you clearly didn't treat her like a piece of meat, you even helped take care of her daughter. Just reading what you say I know you will be fine, you sound mature and honest. Her on the other hand will be jumping from one miserable relationship to another, and I only have a bad feeling for the child and the way it will be raised. She was lucky to have your help and she threw it away.

You were her bitch.

If you don't enjoy being a bitch, then shut her out of your life.

Actually she was the bitch of many guys. Not like he lost anything, he knows what she was all about now.