How do I like someone new if all I keep seeing are their flaws?

[broken-hearted]

I’ll try and be brief, I can easily go on and on and on about how perfect a guy is, but I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. But it’s just so hard to meet someone new when every time I do, I keep finding flaws and no one is as perfect as the guy I'm in love with.

I ended up for two months in his city in the summer as my dad lives there so I went over for holidays and we hung out (we've known each other for a while online). It was amazing. I’ve never had someone make me feel that way towards them. I trusted him off the bat, and I have major trust issues. But he just made me feel so different. We even ended up kinda doing stuff the last time I saw him. I’ve never had sex in a relationship, let alone done anything outside of one, but he made me want to yell ‘**** me, now’ and just made me want him so bad and I felt so open with him.

Anyways, I moved to another country to go to a different university and we kept talking and I guess I was misled by our talks that this was going somewhere, or rather he started realizing that if he falls too hard for me that it’s no good as it’s not gonna go anywhere so he started distancing himself, and I subconsciously tried to talk more and try and talk about things.

We finally did and he explained that until he sees it working out and sees us together in the future, he’s not gonna feel anything and thus show it. He thinks I’m the most amazing person ever, trusts me more than anyone ( he hates 99% of people that he knows) and says if soul-mates were to exist, he’d be proud to call me one etc… but ahh, it drives me crazy. He says it’s because of his trust issues that he can’t just let himself go and take a chance.

I want to move on but it’s just so hard. I try and meet guys and stuff, guys talk to me online, and I just keep finding flaws with each and every one. This one guy talking to me now, nothing wrong with him, but I just can’t like him for some reason. He’s got all the qualities I usually look for, but I can’t get the other guy out of my head.

I can keep trying to make him feel something, he did say that maybe eventually something might happen, he'd like it to, but I feel like I know it's best to just let it go. The other guy seems really nice and into me, but how can I just get myself to like him? I know people say you don't necessarily feel something right away, that's why you date a person to see how compatible you are and so on... but...

Ideas?

[michelle23]

It takes time. Thats all i can say. You think hes perfect coz u put him on a pedastal when you were all infatuated by him but everyone has flaws. The picture perfect story in your head of him is not real-its a delusion, a fantasy, a daydream (whatever you want to call it) of something that would never have worked long term coz u dont live in the same country and you didnt no him long enough to figure out if your actually compatable with him or not.

All that crap he said to was just crap-people never mean shit like that. He was just letting you down gently but instead filled you with false hope. You need to accept its never gonna hapoen. Thats the first step to getting over him and then you can get on with your life and meet someone else.

[broken-hearted]

It takes time. Thats all i can say. You think hes perfect coz u put him on a pedastal when you were all infatuated by him but everyone has flaws. The picture perfect story in your head of him is not real-its a delusion, a fantasy, a daydream (whatever you want to call it) of something that would never have worked long term coz u dont live in the same country and you didnt no him long enough to figure out if your actually compatable with him or not.

All that crap he said to was just crap-people never mean shit like that. He was just letting you down gently but instead filled you with false hope. You need to accept its never gonna hapoen. Thats the first step to getting over him and then you can get on with your life and meet someone else.

I've known him over a year before we met in person, we just didn't meet and that's why I didn't think much of it, though I did really like him. It wasn't till I went there, and we spent ALL 2 months talking non stop, all night. Like I'd go to bed and he'd be on and we'd talk till morning. (8+ hours on most days, that's how not bored of each other we were)

I know someone might say, oh we've been together for 3 years, and to most people that's a decent amount. Another person might say they've been with someone for 6 months, and you deem it not enough. Yet you don't know if during those 3 years they only saw each other once a month, or worse once every few months, or the person was in the army or in jail or away for work. and the 6 month relationship could have easily been living together after the first month and knowing each other inside out.

We talked about everything, especially wants and needs in relationships, we both have really bad pasts in relationships and that's why we connected cause we understood each other and felt like we could be comfortable around each other.

But I feel like saying all this will get me nowhere as I'm always going to find reasons why he is so perfect and keep spewing them out when you're right, I just need to let go of him. And maybe I did put him up on a pedestal, but the truth remains, I feel like I know him inside out.

Also, I know he didn't say it just to make me feel better, I know he meant it. I know when a guy says things to make you feel better about yourself and when he says it because he feels it.

[smackie9]

You are in lust, and are obsessing at him because you can't have him. It's just your brain playing tricks on you. Don't worry hun as time goes on it will eventually wear off and the guy you meet, say, at the mall will make you scream "take off my pants pleazzzzzzzz!"

[michelle23]

The lenght of time your together is important. Infatuation lasts from 6months-2 years and no matter how close you are, how much you talk, how much you no each other etc you really cant tell for sure if you see a real future or not until the infatuation wears off.
That is when the real relationship begins when the honeymoon period ends and you stop looking at each other through rose tinted glasses.

I understand that you feel it couldhave been a meaningful relationship and maybe it would have been but the reality is you will never really no coz u cant be together. Long distance rarely works and it would be a waste of time.

Maybe one day youll meet again and if your both single it might work but dont dwell on it. It wasnt meant to be

[broken-hearted]

The lenght of time your together is important. Infatuation lasts from 6months-2 years and no matter how close you are, how much you talk, how much you no each other etc you really cant tell for sure if you see a real future or not until the infatuation wears off.
That is when the real relationship begins when the honeymoon period ends and you stop looking at each other through rose tinted glasses.

I understand that you feel it couldhave been a meaningful relationship and maybe it would have been but the reality is you will never really no coz u cant be together. Long distance rarely works and it would be a waste of time.

Maybe one day youll meet again and if your both single it might work but dont dwell on it. It wasnt meant to be

Just so you know, I have liked other people, and not been able to be with them and this is completely on a different level. I liked a guy for 3 years, being best friends with him, hanging every weekend and he never saw me that way. And I know what infatuation is, and trust me this isn't it. He does have flaws, very big ones, but I'm that into him that I'm willing to deal with them.

No girl has ever seen him shirtless because of his self confidence. He said I might be the first girl to overcome that with him. You know what, I told him that if I have to live the rest of my days seeing him in a shirt, so be it. That's not normal for me, that would be an issue cause it's weird, how is he not comfortable enough to be shirtless? He's not too fat or anything, though he thinks he is.

Also, he has a dream of going to Japan and living his days there. I've never seen myself there, not my culture but I ended up telling him that if I had to move there to be with him, fine. I just hate that I'm not being myself that this is driving me insane. Or maybe it is an infatuation and I've just never experienced it. and I'm just being silly and saying I'll do anything when in fact I'm just clouded by things.

[michelle23]

You are clouded by things. And you must have low self-esteem to hang out with a guy for 3years drooling over him when u new he wasnt interested. And now your doing it again-being so hung up on a guy who you no you cant have.

You obviously waste a lot of time on certain people. You need to change that

[broken-hearted]

You are clouded by things. And you must have low self-esteem to hang out with a guy for 3years drooling over him when u new he wasnt interested. And now your doing it again-being so hung up on a guy who you no you cant have.

You obviously waste a lot of time on certain people. You need to change that

Haha, it's not that I have low self-esteem. And It's not like I wasn't trying to get into someone else during that time, but I lived in a very small place where it's impossible to find people with my interests and people that are normal. I barely met any guys, it's not that I didn't go out or try to. I'm just super picky.

I have a bad habit of picking guys that I can definitely see myself having a long-term future with. Marriage, kids, that whole deal. I know it sounds weird, but I don't see the point in dating someone unless I can see myself having a future with that person.

[bearz]

Before I post more I have two questions, how far away from you does this Mr. Perfect live and how often can you see each other?

[basilandthyme]

Would his concerns cease if the two of you were able to have a proper relationship? Ie; living near each other.

If so, why hasn't one of you moved?

[broken-hearted]

Before I post more I have two questions, how far away from you does this Mr. Perfect live and how often can you see each other?

I made it more than clear that I am willing to come for any breaks that I have. He's in Europe, England to be exact and I'm currently in the States. Bug distance, I know. But like over my Christmas break, I chose to fly back home, I even booked my flight to go through London, was there (on the way and on the way back) in total of almost a week. He was super sick and was unable to meet up, kept being in bed which really is a shame. He was so bummed that we couldn't meet up.

[broken-hearted]

Would his concerns cease if the two of you were able to have a proper relationship? Ie; living near each other.

If so, why hasn't one of you moved?

If we lived in the same place, it wouldn't be a problem. He even joked at first when I got accepted to go here that I was leaving him or like if I'd mention something, like cuddling/hugs or we'd have a sexual convo, he'd be like, if you were here, (I don't know how to describe what he said without it not making sense as a lot of our convos are based on previous convos, kind of like inside jokes, but basically he makes it clear that if I was there, we would be dating - I think I was saying at one point how I needed a new habit or hobby to kick an old one, and so he jokes that if I was there giving him hugs/blowjobs/massages could be my new habit, I could do that every day...)

Why hasn't one of us moved? I got accepted into my dream university so I had to move to another continent. Maybe had I met him at a more suitable time, prior and had the same feelings, I probably would have picked a university near him. The only reason I'm here really is the university, I don't even like the location/weather etc... Also he's at university and can't just move here.

[bearz]

So it would be a long-distance thing for sure. I can see how he's not a fan of that and is distancing himself from you because of it, at least it could be a reason for his behavior. If it is the case he's got every right to feel that way and quite honestly you should as well. You are just way too far apart.

[broken-hearted]

So it would be a long-distance thing for sure. I can see how he's not a fan of that and is distancing himself from you because of it, at least it could be a reason for his behavior. If it is the case he's got every right to feel that way and quite honestly you should as well. You are just way too far apart.

I totally understand him too. But I just can't help that every other guy I meet, I feel like he'll never compare to him.

Before him, I was willing to settle for less in life, and know that I can't have the perfect life I've always dreamed of but he came along and made me realize that I could have all the things I've always wanted and now when I meet guys I think, 'well, you're not into this, we're not gonna work out' I don't wanna be picky but I can't help but react this way. How do I start liking someone new and ignore that they're not perfect?

[smackie9]

Stop looking and let mr. perfect find you.