Wife always crushing on other men.

[MidLife]

My wife of 9 years is always crushing on other men. I know she's not fooling around. Sometimes the guys are older, sometimes the guys are smooth with words, sometimes the guys are more phisicaly fit, etc., etc.. I am not trying to sould completely concieted but I can definitely hold my own. At first it seemed innocent enough. It was cute and flatering that she felt comfortable enough to let me know. Sometimes she tells me about the crush. Sometimes I call her on it. After years of this my security level in this relationship is extinguished. What is really frustrating to me is that I have found myself trying to crush to get back at her. This is not the kind of person I wish to be. Must I look for the exit in order to find the security I desire. Do I even deserve that kind of security from anyone?

[vashti]

??

you are really thinking of leaving a wife who has been faithful because she gets crushes on other men?

Do you have children?

[MidLife]

I guess I left that part out. Though she is not fooling around, she has in the past. The first year. And she had a very near miss about six months ago.

[Junket]

Is she in her 30's?

[kms]

How long has she been 'crushing' on other men? Has it been for the entire time you've known her? Since you got married? More recently?

It's a normal part of life to feel attracted to other people, regardless of your relationship status. It's all biology and is beyond our control. The key though is recognizing that it's simply a chemical, hormonal process in our body and it'll pass with time, AND by not acting on it. It sounds like while she is recognizing the crush, she IS acting on it, as she has acted on it in the past, and may have tested the waters with countless others.

Her telling you about her attraction to other men isn't strange in and of itself - my SO tells me if he finds certain other women attractive, and he always wants to know if I'm attracted to anyone in particular (it turns him on actually). The difference here is that we aren't acting on it - just being honest and potentially enhancing our sex life. Plus, by sharing that with the other person, we are in essence increasing our accountability to the relationship. If I know my SO is attracted to a certain girl, he would hesitate to actually act on it because I know the true nature of his opinion of her and what he might be tempted to do if they were alone.

However, I wonder why exactly she tells you her feelings for other men. As I explained in my case, it enhances our sex life and helps us stay accountable to each other. Has she indicated any of this to you? Or is she doing it without any regard to you or the relationship - she's just excited about it and selfishly wants to tell someone without considering the consequences (such as you feeling insecure and worried that she'll cheat). Perhaps you should ask her why exactly she feels the need to share that with you, if you haven't already.

What else is going on in the relationship? Are there any other issues, problems, difficulties, etc.? If there are, did they crop up just before or around the same time as her feelings for other guys?

[Perryville]

If she has had either an Emotional or a Physical affair, dump her immediately. If she cheated during the first year, then why are you still with her? A woman who fantasizes about other men, will sooner or later act upon those fantasys. Get out now, while the getting is good.

[vashti]

I can say with all honesty that I have never met a woman who hasn't fantasized about at least one other man while married - at the bare minimum, celebrities. Men do it, too. thoughts are not actions.

I don't think you can continue to hold what happened 8 years ago against her because you decided to forgive her (obviously, since you are still married), and she has not repeated the behavior. There will ALWAYS be temptations out there.

Since you didn't address whether or not you have kids, I am going to assume you do, in which case I think you should go for some counseling. Tearing up a child's family is a terrible thing to do.

[Perryville]

Vash, there is a big difference between fantasizing about a movie-star, who is unattainable, and fantasizing about your friend, neighbor or local guy, who IS attainable. Surely you see that.

[vashti]

Friends, neighbors, and local guys are not necessarily obtainable, either. And anyway, the OP says she hasn't had an affair in 8 years. Time to let go of the insecurity, I think.

[Perryville]

Do you really think so, Vash> Would you be willing to have your BF or husband have erotic fantasys about other women, and then rub your nose in it? What kind of respect is that? Also, if she had a "near miss", 6 months ago, then she is obviously not completely blameless, and is still willing to cheat.

[vashti]

I don't care what my husband fantasizes about, unless it involves small children. Thoughts are not actions. And yes, I have known who he has had crushes on over the years. (shrug)

I suppose it would be good to know what constitutes a "near miss" in the original poster's mind.

[Perryville]

Vash, for me it's not about the fantasys themselves, as much as it is the lack of respect and trust. This OP's wife has already cheated in the past and apparently was close to doing so again, recently. No marriage can exist without trust.

[shheadz]

It seems like everyone is focusing on whether it's ok for her to have fantasies about other men. We already know that's normal and natural. His problem seems to be that she shoves those fantasies in his face. He never mentioned whether he talked to her about it, and told her it makes him uncomfortable. If he hasn't, then that's a good start. If he tells her and she persists, then it's just disrespectful and immature on her part.