Our libidos are out of sync and...

[Rico Bravo]

It's really starting to irk the heck out of me.

So here's the scenario...

I'm watching the tube, I'm tired, I'm sore (ran a 5K in the AM), and my gf announces she's going to bed...she has to get up early in the morning. I thought, great, sounds like a good idea, but I wasn't ready for bed. So you jumps on my lap and says, "are you coming with me?" I said, "but it's only 8." She, acting normal at this point, gathers her things, watches the prelude to the show I'm watching and heads off to bed.

30 minutes later I go to bed too. At this point she's working on her computer, and minutes after I arrive she leaves to go back downstairs to work on her computer more. So I read a book. 10 minutes later she comes back up, I stop reading, and turn out the lights.

She tosses and turns, as if she's uncomfortable. Nothing new to me, we need a new bed, and I thought she was having a hard time sleeping. So she goes back downstairs and I don't even question it. Been through this many times before.

In the quiet I hear her weeping. "What the f' did I do now?" I'm completely confused with this drama. So I go down and ask, "why are you downstairs?" "I didn't want to bother you", she says. I then ask, "what's wrong?" Silence.

"Nevermind" I say, and go back to bed. I don't play games, and I think it's rude to make your partner guess. So I went back to bed.

She comes back up and says, "the reason I'm upset is because I feel rejected. Okay?" I say no, and said nothing more. She slept on the couch the rest of the night. I'm not exactly thrilled with her behavior and I can't say I enjoyed mine, but I'm completely lost (obvious eh?).

From my POV I think this is a bunch of crap...a bunch of drama over nothing. My gf is obviously way more sensitive than I can sense, and I feel as though this is a lose, lose situation for me. So what the heck am I suppose to do?

If I'm not in the mood (even when I tell her so), she gets upset. If I give in to her mood, my performance is lack luster, and she gets upset.

I guess I need to start faking it? Avoid the eggshells?

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

[vashti]

To clarify things, were you (or were you not) aware she was throwing herself at you when she hopped in your lap?

[starbuck]

So this might be a really obvious question, but have you tried having a discussion about this with her? A calm, rational, adult discussion and not a fight mind you.

The longer you both wait to talk about this, the worse off your relationship's going to be.

[Rico Bravo]

Aware of her intentions, but fully unaware that this was one of those moments she was fragile.

[Rico Bravo]

So this might be a really obvious question, but have you tried having a discussion about this with her? A calm, rational, adult discussion and not a fight mind you.

The longer you both wait to talk about this, the worse off your relationship's going to be.

Oh, we've talked about it rationally, we usually come to an understanding, things go well for a period, and then this...out of the blue.

[vashti]

Most people are sensitive when being turned down. Do you regularly ignore her advances, or was this an unusual event?

I mean, do you (objectively) have a libido problem?

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I begin acting that way when it becomes a pattern. If I notice you start rejecting me, I begin to think it's a problem with me. I begin to think you are no longer enjoying our sex, and the worst comes to mind(you finding someone else). Maybe this is what your girlfriend thinks, and based on your post, it seems that way.

I think the answer to Vash's question is definitely needed.

[Rico Bravo]

Most people are sensitive when being turned down. Do you regularly ignore her advances, or was this an unusual event?

I mean, do you (objectively) have a libido problem?

About 1 out of 5 are ignored. She's fully aware my libido is not as high as hers. I would not say I have a libido problem...only to her.

[vashti]

Well, I would say that if she considers it a problem, then it IS a problem, even if another girl would be okay with your sex drive.

In any case, I think you would be wise to consider ANY time a girl throws herself at you to be a potentially fragile time for her if you are turning her down. Women tie a lot of their self-esteem into their men wanting them.

[ecojeanne]

she wanted sex and you didn't, it's gotta hurt to be rejected, i know i would feel like shit if i was ignored like you ignored her

[Rico Bravo]

she wanted sex and you didn't, it's gotta hurt to be rejected, i know i would feel like shit if i was ignored like you ignored her

So what exactly am I suppose to do when I'm not in the mood? If I ignore you, you get upset. If I tell you I'm not in the mood, you get upset. How exactly can this be made into a win-win? At what point are you suppose to acknowledge how I'm feeling? After sex?

[vashti]

You sound defensive. How often is she wanting sex, and how often are you?

[Rico Bravo]

In any case, I think you would be wise to consider ANY time a girl throws herself at you to be a potentially fragile time for her if you are turning her down. Women tie a lot of their self-esteem into their men wanting them.

Oh I want her, and I think I do a fair job at getting that message to her, just not on her schedule it seems. It would seem that if it's a self esteem issue, that would need to be addressed before taking on a relationship, no? Isn't self esteem one of those things you need to do for yourself? I have no problem telling her and showing her that I love her, but for goodness sakes, can't I be human too? Without it being a drama circus?

[Rico Bravo]

You sound defensive. How often is she wanting sex, and how often are you?

I'm upset. I don't appreciate being blindsided by the people I love. I don't get it. That's why I'm defensive. No one has been able to explain it to me logically. In a minute I'm sure you all will turn me into another male pig when that would be furthest from the truth. I already see it happening. It just seems weird someone would forget all the other times they weren't denied sex, and then the one time they are, suddenly it's a rejection, it's a pattern to destruction, it's omg he's cheating on me, I'm too fat. Give me a frigg'n break. I think I need an "off duty" shirt or something.

She wants sex all the time. I want sex all the time too, just not at the same time she does.

[starbuck]

Oh I want her, and I think I do a fair job at getting that message to her, just not on her schedule it seems. It would seem that if it's a self esteem issue, that would need to be addressed before taking on a relationship, no? Isn't self esteem one of those things you need to do for yourself? I have no problem telling her and showing her that I love her, but for goodness sakes, can't I be human too? Without it being a drama circus?

A perceived rejection by the person you love, can be pretty tough to swallow. Even someone with healthy self esteem could feel hurt by this. You just might need to work extra hard to reassure her that your tiredness has nothing to do with her desirability to you. At the same time, she needs to realize that you're not a sex machine and perhaps she's too caught up in her own hurt to see that maybe her timing sucks (like when she came onto you after you ran a marathon).

As Vashti mentioned, you sound a little bit defensive and sort of unwilling to see her hurt feelings as anything more than drama. She's also allowed to be human and have feelings, too. My bf would have never allowed me to sleep on the couch without a good effort to try and make me feel better and come back to bed. Could you have handled things differently?

How old are you both?