Wow this is tough.

[sw500]

So, I have been dating a girl a little over a year. It's been very on and off and we've had our share of rough spots, and I suppose I'll just leave it at that for now.

Basically, I found out last night from talking to her that she is not satisfied in bed with me. This was a huge blow to me because it's the first time she's said this to me since we've been together.

Some more details might help. I lost my virginity to her, at age 20, and she had already been with two guys before me and lost her virginity at age 16. When we first tried to sleep together I had trouble getting the condom on because it was too small, and that pretty much killed the mood. The next time, I used a condom that fit, but I quite frankly could just not keep it up.

The more we tried to have sex the more I began to worry that I wouldn't be able to maintain an erection and eventually started becoming extremely self conscious. I would lose an erection out of worry before even getting to the sex part, which was an immediate mood killer.

Eventually we started doing something probably not so smart. Since she was on birth control we started having sex without condoms. Problem is the sex in our relationship slowly dropped off a cliff. She was afraid to have sex with me without a condom on, and I can't say I blame her.

As far as frequency of sex, in general...slim to none. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I have been able to get girls in the mood in the past but for some reason she is tough. I don't know if it's a stigma of failed sex or what, but sometimes we will go months (I know, I know) without having sex.

So back to what I found out, she basically said that we don't have sex more often because she doesn't get anything out of it, and she's not sexually satisfied. It was a huge blow to me because I have been wanting to have sex more often for the longest time, and she had always been saying that she is quote on quote a 'camel' and can go a long time without sex.

I tried talking to her about this today but she said that there is nothing to talk about it, and that willpower alone can't change it (meaning me not being able to use a condom.)

We have tried using a condom in the past few weeks with success, but the sex was basically failed because I hurt her by thrusting too hard (she started crying...)

Is our sexual relationship doomed? I'm about 90% sure I'm fine using a condom now, but what do I do if she's afraid of being disappointed? And what can I do better to get her in the mood?

[vashti]

Yikes! She cried during sex? That is NOT good. Are you sure it was out of physical pain, or is it possible there is some emotional issue there as well? I'm inclined to think there may be an emotional component because of the lack of frequency.

I think sex is an important part of a relationship. If you were married, I would suggest you RUN to a therapist, because you are in big trouble. However, you've only been seeing this girl for a year, and your sex life is almost non-existent. I'm not sure a relationship of this duration warrants therapy. It could be that you two are simply not a match.

[sw500]

I'm pretty sure it was because I thrusted too hard. Sometimes when I get into it, I put my hands on her hips and start pulling back simultaneously...and depending on the angle (from behind, e.g.) that can turn out bad.

As for therapy, I've suggested a couple of times, but she had therapy when she was in high school after her mom left her family is pretty much flat out against it.

[doppelgaenger]

I don't see anything in your post about oral sex or foreplay or any of that.

[sw500]

I don't see anything in your post about oral sex or foreplay or any of that.

Well I've been told by her that I'm great at it. She squirms and makes sounds like you wouldn't believe when I do that. And she returns the favor well.

The problem is the actual sex part...it's very rare that we have the kind of sex I know she wants...which is to end up being exhausted and sweaty...

Hope that makes sense.

[doppelgaenger]

Well if you're good at it then certainly you are able to tell when she is about to cum? Well tease her when you get to that point and start getting verbal with her.

Yeah, I bet you want me to make you cum, don't you? I wonder how that tight wet snatch would feel around my dick. I can feel your muscles squeezing around my fingers. (Moan to yourself) I wanna make you sweat so bad. Get on top so I can massage your clit with my fingers. I wanna see you please yourself on my penis. Come on baby. Mmm, ohhh, it feels so good. Nice and slow. Just like that... show me what feels good to you. How does it feel? You're getting too comfy, go faster. Faster... faster. Swing your hips baby. Yeah just like that. You're making my dick nice and wet. All the way down to the brim baby. Ohhhh yeah. Squeeze your vaginal muscles. Massage my penis. Come closer so I can lick your nipples. Mmm (When she gets that close you can whisper naughty things in her ear)

The point is that if you get her close to orgasm, she will be willing to do anything to get her rocks off, as long as you don't turn her off. Don't let her touch herself. If she refuses, get on your knees while you rub her clit and stick just the head in. Just massage her clit. Yes that's kind of rape, but if she doesn't want you to she will push you away. If you just stick the head in that will make her a little hornier. Maybe you shouldn't just ask. While you're making out in the nude, just slide it in slowly while you kiss her. If she tries to say anything just hush her. "Shh.... baby, it's okay."

Stop being so self conscious about your erection dude. That would make me go soft if I was self conscious about it. The thing is that you just need to please your girl. You should get a hardon just looking at her erect nipples. Being insecure about yourself just makes it harder.

There's nothing wrong with you, you just need to man up and take control over the situation. If she's not willing to cooperate even when you're trying your best, then you should consider breaking up. The fact that she dismisses any kind of compromising just shows that she is not considerate of your needs. That's a bad sign in a mate. You might consider breaking up with her if the problem persists.

[sw500]

I have to be honest, you guys have gotten me thinking a little about my feelings being disregarded.

I think a little bit more info and background story would help.

I found out that she was not sexually satisfied with me after she told me this after she came back from a night of drinking and dancing with three other guys. When she told me this she was apparently blacked out and didn't remember saying any of it.

I told her this morning and got absolutely not empathy. She was not the slightest bit empathetic, and later I made it clear how upset I was. She got pissed at me because I was making her feel bad.

We went through the whole day without talking about this, because in her opinion there is nothing to talk about.

[doppelgaenger]

How can you be comfortable with your girlfriend going out and drinking and dancing with 3 other guys?

[sw500]

I'm not.

The more I talk about this, the more I realize this is much bigger than sex.

D - thanks for giving it to me straight.

[Gigabitch]

I was just going to say that. This isn't actually a sex problem. It's a trust problem. It's an emotional problem. It's an intimacy problem. Frankly, I'm surprised that it isn't you complaining about this instead of her.

[sw500]

I was just going to say that. This isn't actually a sex problem. It's a trust problem. It's an emotional problem. It's an intimacy problem. Frankly, I'm surprised that it isn't you complaining about this instead of her.

Funny you should say that, I don't often feel as if my complaints are applicable with her. I know, that makes absolutely no sense, but it goes back to what D said about my feelings being disregarded.

I find that I bite my tongue because I would rather let the problem pass than upset her. Stupid? Yes.

[sarah_rsl]

If the sex is bad in a relationship its going to have all sorts of bad consequences. The fact that she's actually flat out told you that she isn't enjoying it rather than taking a more subtle approach just magnifies how serious the problem is.

Bad sex is worse than no sex, it takes something out of you physically and doesn't give you anything in return. It's quite depressing to be shagging a bloke and not to be able to enjoy it.

Anywho don't over analyse it, I think you were right the first time the sex is bad, so if you fix that the other problems you're noticing will fix themselves.

As for her going out dancing so what? if she's on a dance floor and you're not around of course she's going to end up dancing with someone else, maybe the lack of sex is just making her energies go in other directions.

As for the sex itself you just need to be a little more conscious of what you're doing, watch her facial expressions ask her to let her know when you're doing something right, If it hurts when you thrust too hard well don't thrust too hard! a lot of it will just be obvious stuff..

[Gigabitch]

Well, I would counter that it's pretty difficult for the sex to be good in a relationship when there are other problems looming. Very often, relationship stress finds its way between the sheets.

Sarah, if this were your guy, would you treat him this way? No, because sex is important to you. I know it is. You would never let things get this bad.

IMO, this girl doesn't even like him. She certainly doesn't want to make the relationship better.

[sarah_rsl]

Well, I would counter that it's pretty difficult for the sex to be good in a relationship when there are other problems looming. Very often, relationship stress finds its way between the sheets.

Sarah, if this were your guy, would you treat him this way? No, because sex is important to you. I know it is. You would never let things get this bad.

IMO, this girl doesn't even like him. She certainly doesn't want to make the relationship better.

To be honest from what I've read, I think there are a lot of things he can do himself.

Not being used to wearing a condom and not being able to put one on correctly are pretty basic things. Likewise being attentive enough to gauge how the sex is making her feel, when he thrusts so hard that she's in pain somethings gone wrong.

Look I don't think he should over analyse things, I think the bad sex is the likely cause of the rest of his problems.

[carl1222]

To be honest from what I've read, I think there are a lot of things he can do himself.

Not being used to wearing a condom and not being able to put one on correctly are pretty basic things. Likewise being attentive enough to gauge how the sex is making her feel, when he thrusts so hard that she's in pain somethings gone wrong.

Look I don't think he should over analyse things, I think the bad sex is the likely cause of the rest of his problems.

I think it's a bulls**t pretext, sarah. She goes out, gets blazing drunk and excited by one (or more) of the three guys she went out with, f**ks another guy, comes home and criticizes his sexual skills ... all for the purpose of making it HIS fault that she "has" to cheat or "has" to dump him. How chickens**t!

The circumstances of her "revelation" make this a HUGE red flag, sw. She goes out dancing with 3 guys, comes home, and now all of a sudden you're bad in bed ... compared to whom?

Carl.