GF cheated, still love her...confused

[JR_SoCal]

Hi everybody,

My girlfriend and I have been together over three years. We are in our mid 20s and met halfway through college. We've had our ups and downs like anybody else but for the most part, we have a great time, still flirt, have fun, our families love each other, friends love each other, etc. We are both doing well as aspiring professionals in our respective fields.

I found out yesterday from her friends that she cheated on me with her friends brothers in January. They are currently at the end of a three day thing in Las Vegas. She was drinking and clubbing with the girls and they kissed each other on the ride home. Once they got back to her friends house she pulled him into a room alone (others were in living room) and had sex with him (unprotected). She has admitted this and the details after she at first swore that "she can't remember anything because she was too drunk".

She has repeatedly kissed one of my military buddies as well. I found this out today when I confronted her. I bluffed my way into her admitting that she slept with him too. I confronted my friend who admitted everything so the story jives.

This is incredibly painful. I have been very trusting and don't set boundries our get jealous when she goes out and has fun. I feel so betrayed. I feel like she totally abused my trust. She tells me how she loves me and shows me in many ways. Our sex life is fulfilling. She makes it clears I fulfill her needs and ensure she orgasms, indulge her little kinks, and keep things fun and exciting.

In addition to feeling betrayed and lied to, my ego has taken a nose-dive. I am usually a confident, outgoing guy. I consider myself fairly attractive. I like to workout, eat right, hangout with the guys. As of late, I have been eating ice cream and sitting in my room. This sucks.

What to do? Why would she do this?

The common thing among all these instances is alcohol. Maybe shes and alcoholic.

[Yggdrasil]

What to do? Dump the whore.

Why did she do it? You answered that yourself: lack of boundaries.

Live and learn.

[vashti]

Wow, that's rough JR. How do you think she expects you to handle this? Does she expect you to forgive her?

[JR_SoCal]

No, she said she wouldn't be at all surprised if I dumped her. Well yeah....

It's interesting how she was all pressuring me to advance our relationship and was all worried why I hadn't proposed yet. Are you f***ing kidding me?


How do I spot these things in advance?

This cheating girlfriend in a row three. I sure can pick 'em. I mean WTF? I have a good job, good family, love puppies, take care of my body, am educated. I'm not a drunk/drugee, I don't cheat or any of that sh*t. I never believed the cheating statistics to be so high, but I guess with guys like me maintain the average?

[vashti]

There is obviously something flawed in the way you choose women. Any clues about that?

[JR_SoCal]

There is obviously something flawed in the way you choose women. Any clues about that?

I don't know. Not that I can think of. She was dating my friends roommate when we met. I knew her by hanging out in the same group of friends. Just platonic, nothing weird or innapropriate. They dated for like 2 months. About two months after they broke up we started hanging out, going out, going to the beach. The physical stuff developed. I dunno, it seemed good. She's smart. Had never cheated on anybody according to her and never got that vibe. I'm really thinking I don't set enough boundries. I've always wanted someone to honor our relationship because it is the right thing. Not becuase of rules I lay down.

[vashti]

What makes you think if you layed down rules, she would have respected them? I mean, she slept with your friend. It seems like everyone knows that is against the rules, whether or not it is explicitly stated.

[Yggdrasil]

How do I spot these things in advance?

You can't. None of us are psychic.

This cheating girlfriend in a row three. I sure can pick 'em. I mean WTF? I have a good job, good family, love puppies, take care of my body, am educated. I'm not a drunk/drugee, I don't cheat or any of that sh*t. I never believed the cheating statistics to be so high, but I guess with guys like me maintain the average?

3 Times. May want to consider trying to date a different kind of girl. Seriously. You seem to repeat the same mistake. Or maybe it's the way you act towards them. Either way, the problem here has to do with you.

I'd suggest to stay single for a while and focus on yourself and what you want from life. And maybe not to go for the easy girls. If they're easy to get, others can get them easy to.

Aim higher.

[JR_SoCal]

Thanks to all who have posted advice thus far.

I don't know if there is a common theme between these girls. It was all after the two year mark. Maybe I just was not longer giving them what they needed. You're right, after strikeout three it really must be something I'm doing wrong. I'll have to honestly assess myself.

Yes, perhaps I really need to take time to be alone and reflect on myself. What do I want? There was a period of a few months in this last relationship when things weren't going so well. I was really busy with my last semester with school and wasnt giving her the attention/time she needed. Is that really something that will drive her to another man? Could she really not endure those three months when it was obviously temporary. Oh well, just gotta dust myself and try again.

It's weird, this current GF really seemed like the one that wouldn't cheat. She was always be really forthcoming with information (for instance, she would tell me and Ex would contact her via email or whatever). She is a really girlfriend in all other respects. The last few months though.....

I asked her to talk about what she had done and why. She said she really had no other excuse than her being selfish. She thought she could have her cake and eat it too. I asked her how she felt after she had cheated on me and why she didn't even tell her best friend. Of course, she was ashamed/embarrassed and thought I would leave her if I found out.

It is bizzare. Even after I confronted her about cheating on me and she even admited to getting too drunk and waking up to a strange guy. She tried to play that "I know I messed up but I dont remember anything about it". Eventually she was able to recall the event....wow. Also, she would STILL lie about how she didn't exchange phone numbers with this guy in Vegas and how she did nothing with him. After more coercing and pressing, she admitted that it was true and she did make out with this guy and did in fact exchange numbers. The week leading to her trip I confronted her about her behviour with a previous trip. I expressed my concerns and she "promised me she would regain my trust". She was texting me and calling me throughout the trip, all the while pursuing and hanging out with this guy. Her friends snagged a picture of them holding hands at a bar and sent it to me.

So now she is home. She expressed how she is sorry and how she doesn't deserve me now yadda yadda. She is no longer going to drink and go to the bar/club scene at all with her friends. I asked her why now is any different. Why is she changed now after cheating on me for several months at different times and to varying degrees. Why is it NOW that she is committed. She didn't have a really convincing answer. I asked her was it just because she was caught that she is now stopping? She said yeah that's probably it. I think she needs mental help.

[JR_SoCal]

...

Have you talked to any of your friends about this? What do they have to say about the girls that you have dated that have cheated on you?

I will do that again and see what they say. My family didnt like my last girlfriend but really love this current one. My friends weren't fond of my last girlfriend but really enjoyed my current one. My one older/wiser friend who is helping me through this current situation commented on how well behaved my current GF was when he and another friend were at a bar with my GF and there friends. Was impressed how she wasnt checking out other guys, flirting with other guys, etc. Coulda just been a front. His observation really helped cement my trust for her. I'll reflect more over the coming days and really try to post something meaningful rather than just complaining and venting.

[JR_SoCal]

You can't. None of us are psychic.



3 Times. May want to consider trying to date a different kind of girl. Seriously. You seem to repeat the same mistake. Or maybe it's the way you act towards them. Either way, the problem here has to do with you.

I'd suggest to stay single for a while and focus on yourself and what you want from life. And maybe not to go for the easy girls. If they're easy to get, others can get them easy to.

Aim higher.

Yes that's what I'm thinking. At 3 times, really must be what I'm doing or how I pick them. Could be statistics. There is a 1/8 chance of having three unfaithful partner in a row (according to 50% cheating statistic). I could be a bad partner, I could be unlucky.

What do you mean by not go for the easy girls? Find a girl who gives me more of a challenge. More of a pursuit? It's not like I got with the frat house's pass-around girl. Please expound. Thanks again.

[vashti]

I think you'd do well to explore how these girls were similar. Maybe they were all needing of a lot of attention, or something like that.

So listen, if you decide to forgive her, I would definitely draw some clear boundaries. For example, if you genuinely feel this girl has issues only when she drinks, then staying with her should be contingent upon her NOT drinking, and you should be very clear that you will have a zero-tolerance policy about it. That way, if she drinks, she is sending you a clear message that having fun in the moment is more important than you.

[Yggdrasil]

Yes that's what I'm thinking. At 3 times, really must be what I'm doing or how I pick them. Could be statistics. There is a 1/8 chance of having three unfaithful partner in a row (according to 50% cheating statistic). I could be a bad partner, I could be unlucky.

What do you mean by not go for the easy girls? Find a girl who gives me more of a challenge. More of a pursuit? It's not like I got with the frat house's pass-around girl. Please expound. Thanks again.

Well I don't know what kind of girls you usualy date, but there's this saying: easy come, easy go. Frequently that seems to be true.

Another thing I can think of is that at a given time, you become to comfortable in a relation and take your partner for granted. Nothing could be further from the truth: relations are a lot of hard work.

Hm.. come to think of it, this may be helpfull: [url]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html[/url]

Not sure which it is, you'll have to do some soulsearching there and try to find the common factor. Then work on that and try to avoid or improve, whatever applies.

I'm not sure if it's option 1 or option 2, or a combination of both, or maybe option 3 or 4 which I don't know because I don't know you. Only you can figure out what's exactly going on, by carefully examining the relations you have so far and find the common denominator that causes this breakdown.

Maybe it's the girls you choose, maybe it's something you do, maybe it's a combination of both, maybe it's something else.

Either way, once you figure that out, you'll be able to work on it to have a better chance in your next relation.

I hope this makes somewhat sense.

[WHUDAFUXUP]

I definitely think no matter how you feel about this girl you should let her go.

What happens if you ever have kids, can you imagine how troublesome it would be if this went down again?

I say leave, be single for a little bit and try again, figure out what kind of girls the 3 were and go for the opposite.

[Lonely Island]

Only a fool would stay with her sorry ass