6 months broken up - my ex still says he wants a life with me, should i believe him?

[joanpapau]

Hi,

Basically, we've been broken up for 6 months. I honestly thought we would be back together by now. I have tried to not contact him at all, but every month or less, he would always send me an email or a text message. He says I'm still his best friend, and that he still loves me very much and can't go on a day without thinking about me, at least once an hour every hour each day. But he also says he isnt ready to be in a relationship with me again. His step-sister recently had a baby. He took me with him when his niece was born. He told me in a couple of years he hopes him and I will have our own child ctogether, and that he brought me to see them because he still loves me and still considers me a part of the family, and because we will have our own family in the future. He says in his heart of hearts he wants us to have a baby and share a life with me. However, right now he has to "re-establish" his life. I should also tell you that despite what he says to me, he still goes on "dates" with other girls. I also know he invites other girls out to have drinks with him. So you can tell how confused I am. Should I even believe what he says? I spent the night at his house the other day, I thought he was going to sleep on the couch like he said, but instead crawled in bed with me when he got home. He didn't try to sleep with me, but me being less disciplined, tried to. He refused and said he didn't want to hurt me because he wants to leave the door open for us in the future. But eventually we did start but stopped right away because I started crying. I don't know what to think. He says he needs to find and learn to accept himself and make something of himself first before he can be in a relationship again and that I broke his heart and is himself trying to heal. He is my best friend, and I love him sooo much and miss him. But I don't want to be taken in as a fool. I don't know if he thinks he's just giving me a piece of bone so I would stay and take him back just in case he doesn't find someone else. But for him to say he wants to have a child with me and still share a life with me.....well, that's pretty low if his real intentions are otherwise. Tell me what you think please. Obviously I have deep emotions invested, so I can't always see the obvious. Also, before we broke up, we were in a 10 year relationship, a very long time and a lot of memories. And despite what he says about marriage and kids with me, he says there is no guarantee what the future holds, but that this is what his heart of heart wants.

He says he wants to rebuild our friendship again...we had a life-altering fight, that was the reason for our break-up.

Should I cut off all ties and let him go and be free until he "finds' himself again? Or should I go along with "rebuilding" our friendship? Or should I just completely ignore him, move on and start healing myself?

Thanks!!

[Andariel]

Without wanting to sound harsh, I must say I find his behaviour peculiar to manipulative. You were in a relationship with him for 10 whole years and he didn't propose-what makes you think he will do it in the future?Instead, he broke up with you over a fight. I think if he was in love with you (note that I didn't say if he 'loved' you) he would worry that while he is out there dating and having a good time you might start doing the same! If he was in love he would worry you might meet someone else but that doesn't seem to be crossing his mind by what you said in your post.

My take on this is that having you around is convenient and he probably thinks you would be good wife material, if and when he ever decides to get married which could be never (at least not to you). He is taking you so much for granted that he thinks you will be there, waiting patiently for as long as that takes. Actions speak louder than words-anyone can say he wants to get married but it's his actions that show you if he actually means it.In this case, it seems to me he is just keeping you around in case he doesn't find anyone better in the future and he is just throwing you a bone every now and then by saying he wants to spend his life with you.

He was with you for 10 years and he is obviously used to having you around so I'm sure, since you are being so accommodating, he wouldn't want to cut you out. It's a win-win situation for him but what about your feelings?

It's like he can have his cake and eat it as well. Would he be OK with you dating other people? If yes, then he is not in love with you. If not, then maybe this is what you need to start doing so that he can see that you are not willing to hang around until he decides to take you back.

I would imagine that you would find it hard to move on whilst still being in contact with him so my advice would be to make it clear to him that you want to be in a relationship with him and if he is not willing to do that then tell him you cannot be in contact with him anymore because you want to focus on yourself and with finding someone who will love you and will want to be with you.

[Hth]

Well said Andariel!