Right to feel rejected?

[maxmax]

Well, after two successful dates, the second which ended in kissing, I have been told that I am 'not right' for her. She instigated and seemed to be very keen on the kissing which was nice for both of us.

Following this 'passionate' but respectable second date, and both seeming quite enthusiastic about meeting again after exchanges the following day, I get a text telling me I am not the right person for her.

This seems to have come from the blue, and I am understandably disappointed. However, there are two things that really upset me with how this went:

1) My offer of friendship was ignored; and more importantly;

2) She decided to text me, rather than give me courtesy of a phone call.

I know these things aren't easy over the phone, yet I still think that considering the time we spent together (including that before we 'dated') I should have at deserved a call. Had she done so I naturally would have been disappointed, but would have no hard feelings and accept what she had to say.

This makes me feel pretty small. Especially when it is 'nice' people who are after decent, gentlemanly and honest guys, that do not take the effort to show a little consideration for the other persons feelings.

Perhaps against my better judegement I did text her a few hours later, after what I thought was our final exchange, to say I was a little hurt by how she handled it. Not heard from her, and I don't expect to be honest.

All being said and done, I am genuinely hurt. Not sure what else to feel.

What are people's thoughts. I want to get this into perspective and would also like a female take on why this would happen?

Thanks

[ShellyZ]

Could have happened for any number of reasons. Maybe she met someone else, maybe she did not enjoy those two dates as much as you did, maybe she doesn't like the way you kiss, maybe she didn't feel a connection. I don't know how long you knew each other before you dated, but generally, people don't feel they owe the other person a phone call after only two dates. It's not like she was ending a relationship. Would you really feel better if you'd gotten this news in a phone call, rather than a text? They're not much different. She probably didn't call because she didn't want it to turn into a discussion.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm guessing here, but there are a few possibilities that seem likely:

1. She met someone else she liked better.

2. She didn't like the way you kissed.

3. Something you said during the date struck her later and she decided that you weren't right for her.

Something you need to be cognizant of - two dates isn't a relationship. Two dates is just a testing period. There was nothing wrong with her texting you and saying that she didn't want to continue. It's possible that one of the things that spooked her was that you were getting too clingy too fast.

EDIT - Also, those two dates weren't successful, obviously. You may have thought so, but she didn't.

[vertical_sky]

People can decide someone isn't right for them within one or two dates for any thousands of reasons.

For example... I went out with a guy on Friday. Yes, he seemed perfectly nice and he was considerate. He did not seem a bad guy. However, I decided by the end of the date I was probably not going to contact him again for a couple of reasons. 1) He kept looking other places when I was talking to him. 2) He only laughed at one of my jokes. 3) He mistakenly repeated back something I'd said to him in a previous conversation, having thought one of his female friends had told him. 4) This one is petty but true: he's a little taller than me, but is built like a twig. Standing next to him, I felt incredibly fat.

This guy texted me the next day, and I haven't responded. Because honestly, what could I tell him? My reasons would all seem silly and nit-picky to him. But the fact is, if the first few dates don't have a lot of chemistry and connection, what could the relationship really look like? Perception and those silly feelings can't be hand-waved away just because he's a nice guy.

Additionally, if he's a nice guy, then he'll find some other girl in no time who CAN appreciate him, and isn't bothered by the things I noticed. Really, analyzing why you were rejected within a date or two is kinda pointless, and expecting a draw-out phone conversation as to why even more so. For whatever weird reason, she didn't want to pursue dating into a relationship. Shrug and move on.

[maxmax]

Hi - thanks for the feedback

Just a few points:

Totally agree that two dates is not a relationship.

I wasn't clingy in any way, just friendly.

She said the first date was 'perfect' and one of the best she'd ever had. The second date, like I said, she instigated the kissing, and seemed very keen for it to continue.

I am fairly good at judging my own behaviour and don't try to fool myself when it comes to matters of the heart. Now if my judgements of these two dates were wrong, then it's because she wasn't honest.

A phonecall definitely would have been better. Still would have been disappointing, but I would have respected her for it. If she didn't want us to have any kind of relationship at all, then it at least acknowledging the offer of freindship and declining would be better, at least from my perspective.

I find it little consolation being told I am a great guy when I get treated in a way which she knows I'd take exception to.

[Cerby]

maxmax, don't take it personally, for whatever reason, probably one of the ones listed above, she decided not to move forward. Be happy it was only 2 dates and you haven't developed any REAL feelings for her. Yes, you warranted a second date, so maybe the first date WAS perfect, that just means she dug in a bit deeper the second one and found something she didn't like.

I've been in your situation before, you need to drop it, and move on. I've probably been on dates with 30 girls since I turned 20, and only 2 of those girls lasted longer than 4 months (current gf included). Sometimes I called it off, sometimes they did.

[Jenswaiting]

Hey Max, I understand why you feel rejected. I had something somewhat similar happen very recently. Met a nice guy, went on a great first date, kissing ensued. Second date was better than the first and more physical, we talked quite a bit and it seemed like we really connected. Since the date though I've received a text every few days from him but he never responds to mine. Confusing to say the least. I have even contemplated ringing him to ask him what he's after, but not sure how that would be perceived. What do others think?

Max,at least you know where you stand with her. It's best to move on at this point.

[maxmax]

Thanks all for the feedback.

I guess the hardest thing has been what seemed to me to be the sudden change in direction. I get the impression that she has convinced herself that I was not right after 'thinking about it all day' ... so obviously something was up. She hinted towards coming home with me that night, but because we'd both been drinking I subtley discouraged it and made sure she got a cab home safely. The next morning everything seemed fine over the phone.

Anyhow, I totally agree that moving on is the right thing - after all, there is nothing left for me to do!

But I lied before in saying that the above was the hardest thing about it. In fact, the hardest thing is that I rarely get involved with people, perhaps through being overly cautious, and generally just not finding people I 'click' with. I guess I am not into the whole 'bar and nightclub' scene, and that's not really the way I want to meet someone, which limits things.

The hardest thing is that I am starting to think that with my past, and recent, experiences I am never going to find someone that I genuinely am attracted to, care about and want a future with, mostly because I'll never meet them in the first place.

It never used to bother me, but now that prospect saddens me a great deal.

[HeartIsAching]

Then do something about it.

If there's an activity that you REALLY like to do - bicycling, hiking, bird watching, church-going, bowling, skating, WHATEVER, do it, do it a lot. Do more than one activity. If it's possible, join a club or group or league or whatever that does that activity. You'll meet single women that enjoy doing that same thing that you do... or someone on the group'll fix you up with them.

It works - my wife and I both love history and historical stuff... met working at a Renaissance Faire.

[maxmax]

That's not a bad suggestion. Unfortunately I don't have quite as much time to do the things I like, not as much as I'd like. When I do, I am not usually 'looking' for someone, and up to now I haven't found someone that way. I guess my activities recently have been split between doing the things I enjoy, and looking for suitable dates. As you can imagine, the results have not been fantastic.

It doesn't help that most of my friends are now getting married, having kids, buying homes together. On one hand, it means there is less socialising, and far fewer single people that I come into contact with. On the other, it shows that everyone else around me is settling down and moving on with their life. And then there's me.

I'm usually really positive and active, but this weekend has really hit me, far more than I expected to. Stupid, I know. But I can see myself getting depressed, and I still physically feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I hate it.

[surfhb]

Why dont you have time? You work 80 hours a week with no days off? What do you like to do when youre not working?

The simple fact is that you need to get involved and actively pursue this person you want in your life. Shes not going to come to you.

As for the rejection, its clear you are fairly new to dating. This is normal behavior in any dating situation. Ive been on dates where we both click and had a great time never to hear from her again and Ive done the same. These are women and they dont think like us men so its impossible to figure out. Men have very few "deal breakers" and women have thousands. Ive had a friend tell me she didnt call a guy back because he " sneezed like a girl" - yes...seriously! So dont sweat it bro...as long as you understand and accept the level of stupid shit women think about when dating, you'll be fine. I think many girls will admit theve probably missed out on some really nice guys like yourself because of this, but those are the ropes Man! Just be yourself and dates many women and it will eventually happen.

I used to feel this way too....lots of rejection and second guessing yourself. But understand its not you.....youre a great guy (you said it yourself). Fucck her if she doesnt see it or has unrealistic expectations. Thats exactly what just happened too! She failed to see the type of guy you really are and lost out. Oh well.....move on my friend

BTW....if another girl does this too you, never offer her friendship or accept if she offers it to you. You dont want to be their friend only...right? Then why would you just want to be friends?

[maxmax]

Not new to dating, but certainly out of practice. My last relationship was 7 years, and the past year and a half I've been single and not been interested in dating until recently. It's odd, as the past five or so dates I've been on, whether it's been me or the the girl, or both of us, that decided not to go further, it hasn't bothered me.

Guess it isn't worth me being bothered any longer in this case either. And yes, knowing what she is after (what she says she is after anyhow), and knowing what I have to offer, she is DEFINITELY losing out ;o)

Thanks. Feeling better already!

Why dont you have time? You work 80 hours a week with no days off? What do you like to do when youre not working?

The simple fact is that you need to get involved and actively pursue this person you want in your life. Shes not going to come to you.

As for the rejection, its clear you are fairly new to dating. This is normal behavior in any dating situation. Ive been on dates where we both click and had a great time never to hear from her again and Ive done the same. These are women and they dont think like us men so its impossible to figure out. Men have very few "deal breakers" and women have thousands. Ive had a friend tell me she didnt call a guy back because he " sneezed like a girl" - yes...seriously! So dont sweat it bro...as long as you understand and accept the level of stupid shit women think about when dating, you'll be fine. I think many girls will admit theve probably missed out on some really nice guys like yourself because of this, but those are the ropes Man! Just be yourself and dates many women and it will eventually happen.

I used to feel this way too....lots of rejection and second guessing yourself. But understand its not you.....youre a great guy (you said it yourself). Fucck her if she doesnt see it or has unrealistic expectations. Thats exactly what just happened too! She failed to see the type of guy you really are and lost out. Oh well.....move on my friend

BTW....if another girl does this too you, never offer her friendship or accept if she offers it to you. You dont want to be their friend only...right? Then why would you just want to be friends?

[uri]

You seem to take this "love" forum way too seriously anyway. Too many people on this forum are idiots anyway.

[maxmax]

You seem to take this "love" forum way too seriously anyway. Too many people on this forum are total idiots anyway.

Not aware that I'm taking anything on the forum too seriously, including myself. And in what way are the people here idiots?

[bulrush]

Maxmax,
Sounds like you are like me. I simply want some old-fashioned courtesy, not a text message break up. This is what I've found in dating the past 14 months.

- Almost half the girls did not even thank me for dinner.
- A few broke up with me, but I didn't know it. They just stopped calling and would not answer my emails.
- A few would text on their cell when we were out on a date. How rude.
- One made it plain to me she just wanted to be friends, but that I should pay for everything because "you are the man". I declined and never saw her again.
- One lied to me. I found out she was still married while taking her home.