Hello! I found this forum while searching for clues to my problem and I figured maybe I'll get some advices here.
Some background info:
I'm a 27 year old male and I've known my 28-year old girlfriend(?) for about nine months of which we've lived together for a bit over five months (about 4
of them in a rented place and the rest in a house she bought). I moved from another city to be with her, changed my job where I had awesome friends,
and also moved a lot further away from my family. We have had our ups and downs during this short period of time and it has come to a point where we
really are considering ending it. In fact, yesterday she already announced that she has had enough and we should go our own ways but it seems she still
gave me some time to think about how things are and should be.
Mostly she is fed up with my inability to decide what I want from future. Would it only be up to her, we'd already be married and waiting for a baby.
I haven't been that comfortable on proceeding that fast and rather just chill for a bit and see how life goes on and maybe we'll learn things about each other.
She claims that she is what she is and feels like she knows me well enough and we should get married pretty soon if we want to stick together. During our
good times I haven't really objected that in my mind but I also never did anything to hasten the process. And on the bad times I really doubt this whole thing.
I wish she wasn't in such a hurry to go forward.
Unfortunately there has also been bad times for us. Things that have made me reconsider us have been:
- I feel like she isn't too happy when I go see my family or friends. I basically never go out drinking or something like that. And I see my friends or family maybe once or twice a month.
Am I not allowed to have hobbies and see friends when I have a relationship? The last fight actually is connected to this. Apparently I have a habbit of not keeping contact with her
whenever I'm out with friends or at my family. Last time she got mad when I didn't send her a text during day until I got home. Well I did mention I'm coming home but it seems like
that was too late. What bothers me is that she got really mad about it, it's only one day and I did tell her approximately when I'd be coming back before I left home. Yes,
I understand that people have different kinds of needs about keeping contact and I wouldn't propably keep in touch as often as many.. but is it normal to get mad for one day
even if it has happened a couple times before? She said she feels like I don't respect her enough to even send a message and claims she isn't the number one priority to me while I'm
away, which to me ofcourse is not how the case is.
- She seems to be a pretty hard person to satisfy. Once she got mad at me for not spending money on her. I had bought her some jewelry couple times and didn't even forget
her birthday but everytime she said I shouldn't spend money on such things. Still she claimed she wants me to buy her luxurious things and clothes. Well, once I dragged her out to buy
clothes because I really don't want to buy them without seeing how they look on her.. she didn't want to even try the ones on that I suggested. Basically after that I said
I won't be buying her stuff like that anymore without her consent.
- We had a discussion/fight a while back about people visiting our house. She said she doesn't want my family or friends to come by unless if I separately invite them here, and
only after she is ready for it, and mainly on weekends. Otherwise we should go see each other at a cafe or something. I had never even thought about that, to me it seems pretty
disrespectful to not let family to the house. A side note, my girlfriend is from China, although has lived in a western country almost all her life. I once heard from a friend who had
chinese roommates while studying at a university and she said they practically had people visiting them all the time. So can it be a cultural thing?
- Money issues alltogether. I feel like I can't buy anything alone without her getting mad. Things I might want to buy occasionally that are just for me: games movies, disc golf discs
or anthing related to my hobbies. Practically I'd have to ask her before buying which doesn't sound right. I'd understand if we were short on money but I just don't feel that way. Ok, we
(she) has a mortgage but we're doing ok in my opinion.
- She works on seven days a week and we only have some hours every evening together. So basically we can't plan anything fun together but she still whines sometimes how we should
do something special occasionally.
- Relating to seeing friends. She claims I can't prioritize things in life. I was once out with friends on a sunday (day off from work for me, not her) for a couple hours. I knew I had to do stuff at home and I
figured I'd still have enough time to do that after I'm back. She got pissed off for it. I was being the bad guy having a bit of fun on a day off.
Back to the topic. So I'm asking for opinions about relationships. After giving some thought about what she has said, I believe she is right. I should propably grow up a bit and take more responsibility
but I feel like she is overreacting a bit. Can't a man (or a woman) have hobbies and time of his/her own? Can't I occasionally buy something fun for myself too without feeling bad for it? And I really don't
mean to spend a lot of money. Do you people keep in touch every day or is it ok to skip a day because you might be having fun with friends or something. To me it doesn't take out the fact that I can still
think about her if I don't text/call.
So in short.. how much from their own lives do people sacrifice to get a happy relationship? Does my situation seem like I should be sacrifice more or is she asking too much?
I'm sorry for the long and messy text.. can't put all my thoughts in to a single post. Atleast while I'm so messed up myself because of the trouble we're having. I'd really appreciate people's thoughts. though.