Infidelity after 4 years together - justified?

[HeartofLead]

I am going to make this as clear and concise as I can. I am reluctant to put ages yet - but we are both in our mid 20s.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years - 3 of which were amazing, and the last one -the one where we lived together- with some problems starting to grow. I have smoked weed for the last 3 years, just about every day (with a one month break in 09). This has been a problem for us because it sucks out all of my motivation to be fun and exciting, and it also grinds my sex drive down to almost nothing.

In October she took a river cruise with her mom in europe for 2 weeks. Throughout those 2 weeks, we would text and send photos, but I was pretty unresponsive for the most part, thinking I didn't want her to miss be because I wanted her to have a good time. Stupid weed-influenced thought.

In the last month since her return, all of our problems culminated into a few big arguements/relationship talks. She told me she saw us with a future together, but had a feeling deep down like she wanted to be alone and single. We decided that a 2 week break apart with little contact would be a good way to step back and evaluate where we stand - and if she wanted to continue on with what we had. It was a tough choice to allow, but ultimately I did. The break is currently still in effect. All of these events forced me to decide I want to change for the better.. hindsight is 20/20 as they say, so I flushed my stuff and tossed all of my devices. It felt amazing. I started meeting with a substance abuse therapist as well. I wrote her a heartfelt, sober letter telling her how I wanted to change for us, but for me first and foremost. I told her all of the things I want to achieve, and how I was seeking the necessary help to change for good.

This whole time though, I have had that deep down gut feeling like she had met someone. I had asked her multiple times during our blowouts and she would look me right in the eye and tell me no. Last night I decided that I was going to trust my intuition and I called her. She told me that had I not written her that letter, letting her know about everything I was going through, that she was 75% sure she was going to end it between us. I asked her again about another man. Her guilty conscious finally got the better of her and she admitted that on the last night on the ship, while feeling depressed about my non responsiveness and my lack of loving emotion, she drank too much and made out with some random asshole waiter. She claims her eyes were closed and she felt gross - and yet she let him remove her underwear and penetrate her (with a condom) just once. She pushed him off, or so she says (and in her raw state I can't help but believe her) and collected herself and left.

She has been sitting with this since October. Now, in her state of guilt and sorrow she cannot (and I mean cannot) stop telling me how absolutely disgusted and ashamed she is. She said there was no passion, no pleasure, no romance. She can't look at herself in the mirror and she hates herself. She says she feels now like she doesn't deserve me. She says she understands if I don't want to be with her anymore. She fell for his player lines. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." (SERIOUSLY???)

I feel so broken. I love this girl still because she really is amazing in so many ways - which is why this is so shocking to me. She is (was) not the type to do this.
I know that if some part of me didn't want to take her back I wouldn't be writing this. I know that I treated her in a way that made her feel neglected... but I feel like she abandoned me when times were at their toughest. I could use some insight.

Thanks for taking the time to read - to all of you others out there in similar situations: I feel your pain, you're not alone.

[Wakeup]

If you think you can actually forgive her for what she did by not bring it up everytime you argue actually being able to trust her again inspite of what happened, then just go back to her.

If you don't think you can forgive this and be able to trust her or, you think if she ever feels you're "not measuring up to her expectations" again and she'll use that as an excuse again, then drop her now so you can get over her in order to meet someone else.

Whatever you do, don't go back to her just because you're addicted to being with her and the devil you know is better than the one you don't.

You need to decide if you're capable of forgiving and moving on from her indiscretion before making any decisions.

Now, all that being said... I do not believe that she got as far as she said she did and she stopped, pushed him off of her and ran away. That, IMO is just her way of making her look less awful in her own and your eyes. JMO.

[vashti]

To be honest, I don't know how she tolerated your daily weed-smoking for so long, and I am surprised she didn't seek comfort in someone else's arms sooner, especially if you weren't especially sexually active with her.

You both did wrong, and she is certainly no worse a person than you were. A single night's indiscretion is not worse (to me) than 4 years of neglect, and I am more worried about the liklihood of you returning to drug use than her cheating.

[HeartofLead]

You both make a very good points, and I thank you for it. I was never a heavy smoker - only choosing to smoke once per day, after work. That was all that it took though.
As far as returning to use? I am done with the stuff. This event alone was enough to snap me back into reality and check myself. I don't want to be that person.

[Wakeup]

You both make a very good points, and I thank you for it. I was never a heavy smoker - only choosing to smoke once per day, after work. That was all that it took though.
As far as returning to use? I am done with the stuff. This event alone was enough to snap me back into reality and check myself. I don't want to be that person.

You may have been a slacker during the relationship, however: (and IMO) she could have and, she should have left you instead of taking comfort in the arms of some other guy if she thought you were'nt being a a good partner.

Don't allow her to make excuses for her behaviour. You've taken responsibility for your bad. She needs to accept her own responsibility for her wrong doing without you justifying her shit.

If you can forgive one another and strive to be attentive while she learns from her mistake then you'll have a better chance of being together for the duration.