Constant fighting over a friend

[Knoxane]

So I have been in a relationship with my SO for about two years now. Things have been rocky but recently we have made a lot of progress and I am starting to feel like there is hope for us. Anyways here is the thing. In high school I became friends with a male named Joe. Joe and I were always friends besides some flirting in the past and Joe had a crush on me at the end of high school but the feeling were not mutual. I let joe know we would never be anything more than friends and he is okay with that. We remained friends. Joe ended up moving to a different state but we have stayed in contact. Now joe and I have been best friends for six years we talk on the phone and through text since we see each other once a year if that. Joe has been a good friend to me in fact he is my only best friend. I have many other close friends but Joe has been my best friend. Now my SO has fought with me so much over Joe. I have been completely honest with my SO about Joe they have even met. My SO thinks a male and female can never be just friends, he claims Joe is manipulating me and talking to me because he wants all the men in my life to be jealous of Joe and so I end up with him in the future. My SO thinks I talk to much to Joe and that i should talk to Joe only once a week for 10-15minutes on the phone. Currently I talk to Joe through text everyday but its just a quick text of a funny blurp or thing that happened to me during the day not constant texting. We spend about 2 hours a week total on the phone on average. I think there is nothing wrong with being friends with Joe and how much we talk. My SO always monitors when I talk to Joe and calls trying to interrupt the conversation and starts a fight each time. I end up ignoring Joe for days sometimes to please my SO but then I feel bad when Joe thinks I am mad at him so I call Joe to chat and then the cycle repeats.

Am I doing something wrong that I can't see? Is my SO right? Can Joe and I stay best friends or is this an issue?

[basilandthyme]

Yes, I understand your boyfriend being upset by this. Your boyfriend should be your best male friend, not some other dude. Turn the situation around....how would you feel if your boyfriend had a female best friend who has/had a crush on him? Perhaps you'd be fine with it - but most wouldn't. This will continue to be an issue even with other men you date.

That being said, your boyfriend is wrong to fight with you over this. If he can't handle your life choices, he should just dump you - not try to interrupt or get angry.

Time to choose between them.

[TheEvilJester]

I've found on this message board the majority of folks seem to agree with your boyfriend that men and women can never be just friends. Personally, I think that is absolute crap. I think they very much CAN be just friends, it just takes an understanding of the friendship on both sides, as well as an appropriate set of boundaries. I've said it before and will probably say it again, but some of my best friends ever in my life, and currently, have been women. Why should I shut somebody like that out of my life just because of their gender?

I agree that, once things become serious, your significant other really should be your best friend. That said, not counting your boyfriend, Joe is not just a friend but your best friend. How can somebody tell you NOT to be friends with your best friend?

Now, I will say if there was ever any evidence that Joe still had feelings for you, then the right thing to do would be to distance yourself. Then that would not be right to your boyfriend to still hang out with him, and would not be right to Joe to string him along either.

I would also say it were a different story if you were texting and/or talking on the phone all day every day or taking significant time away from your boyfriend to instead talk to Joe. It sounds like that is not the case. You do talk to him regularly (which best friends often do) but it isn't like it is constant and non-stop.

All that said, your boyfriend's concerns are understandable for sure. It's just that he has no right to be telling you that you cannot be friends with somebody, especially if you've been friends with them longer than you've been with your boyfriend, which I am sensing is the case here. I would think a good idea would be to just discuss it calmly and rationally with your boyfriend. Let him know that Joe is your best friend, but you boyfriend is way more than that. Your friendship with Joe does not take a single thing away from your relationship with him, yet Joe is your friend and has been for a long time. You can't just abandon him as a friend, nor should you ever want to do so. You could also re-assure him that if things ever got out of hand, you'd nip that in the bud immediately, and if Joe could not respect appropriate boundaries, then you would distance yourself.

As long as your boyfriend knows he can trust you to do the right thing if anything ever went wrong, then he should not have any problem with it. I can understand him having concerns. That is fine. At the end of the day, though, he can't be telling you who you can and cannot have as a friend. As long as you and/or Joe are not doing anything inappropriate, then he needs to learn to accept it. If possible, it may be a good idea for a while to hang out with Joe only in groups of friends, and sometimes bring your boyfriend along as well. That may help your boyfriend to trust Joe and get to a point where he can trust things will be okay.

Either way, good luck to you. I hope everything works out.

[Wakeup]

I hope that your boyfriend soon gets tired of your disrespectful doings on with your friend who wants to be your boyfriend and dumps you so that you and Joe can be free to be with one another the way you actually want to be. You say you don't have feelings for him but he is just as important, if not more important to you as your boyfriend is. If he wasn't then you'd stop your interactions and leave Joe alone so that he has gotten over you and can get on in his romantic life without you always being there interloping through one another's life.

You have always been rocky with this boyfriend because there is a third person who is like a giant pink elephant in the middle of things which is screwing with your emotional connection with who is suppose to be your SIGNIFICANT other, your boyfriend. The only reason Joe isn't even more significant to you then he already is, is due to distance. You'd be spending alone time with him and going on date like activities with him if he still lived near you.

... stop with the cake and eating it too and pick who it is that is most important to you. This situation is going to cause you problems in most all of your romantic pursuits.

- - - Updated - - -

Adding: When your goings on with an opposite sex friend is causing problems in your primary relationship then it's time to quit What TF you're doing and discuss what WOULD be acceptable and what isn't acceptable and if you can't come to an agreement then you need to let your boyfriend go to find someone who, like you who think its just fine to be doing what you're doing and you're both doing it so the other can't complain. You op, need to choose who is more important to you. Some guy you rarely see but have some addiction to or your boyfriend.

The time for you carrying on the way you want while keeping both men has come to an end.