Fweling ignored Nd abandoned.

[misombra]

My boyfriend and i have an almost 2 year old. He stays home with baby and i work, which i do not mind. However when i get home he feels that he's done his part and goes to another part of the house with his friends or on his own. He makes plans to go out with friends and doesnt tell me until the last minute. Hes planning a weekend camping trip with his friends and does not ask me how i feel about it.

I feel like he doesnt care. That i have to start wwiii to get him to hang out with me. When he does he acts like its a favor or something. He tells me its good for us to do things separately but thats all we do these days.

Im feeling lonely and rejected. Its pretty depressing.

[surfhb]

What does he say when you confront him on this issue?

[misombra]

What does he say when you confront him on this issue?

He says that he needs his space and thats the way he is. He'll spend more time around us for a while but acts like a dick and gets impatient with our child as punishment until i want him to away. Its not even worth confronting him anymore. But if i seem at all resentful he asks me what is wrong and his solution to it is more time apart.

We've talked about this a million times btw.

[haxan]

If it's your first child, it takes an adjustment period. I can empathize with a man who is the primary caregiver for a toddler and needs to get away when mom comes home. It's not as natural or as easy as it is for a mother. Should he communicate better? Yes. I think it's just a phase and will get easier for both of you. He'll come back around, he probably just needs space and to get away for a bit, for now.

[vashti]

He needs a break, but you also need time together, alone. You guys should think about having a regularly scheduled date night and find a sitter for the baby. You can even swap babysitting nights with a friend if you don't want to pay someone.

[asdfg789]

is he staying home by choice ? sounds like he is resenting it but trying very hard to put up with it

[MaidenMinx]

I agree with Vashti. Date nights really help you reconnect as adults. It has been a saviour for hubby and I.

[IndiReloaded]

Is the issue that he needs to escape or that you are tired when you get home and not immediately ready to have your daughter handed off?

If its the former, then make sure you do something regularly scheduled together as a family on the weekends. Walk in the park or something. If its the latter, can you hit the gym or something before heading home?

[misombra]

If it's your first child, it takes an adjustment period. I can empathize with a man who is the primary caregiver for a toddler and needs to get away when mom comes home. It's not as natural or as easy as it is for a mother. Should he communicate better? Yes. I think it's just a phase and will get easier for both of you. He'll come back around, he probably just needs space and to get away for a bit, for now.

thank you.

He needs a break, but you also need time together, alone. You guys should think about having a regularly scheduled date night and find a sitter for the baby. You can even swap babysitting nights with a friend if you don't want to pay someone.

i think that's possible. we don't have enough of those times.

is he staying home by choice ? sounds like he is resenting it but trying very hard to put up with it

he likes staying at home. the opposite was true for a while. i stayed home and he worked. that sucked. i like to work and he likes to be at home all the time. he could be resenting something but i don't understand what it is.

I agree with Vashti. Date nights really help you reconnect as adults. It has been a saviour for hubby and I.

thank you.

Is the issue that he needs to escape or that you are tired when you get home and not immediately ready to have your daughter handed off?

If its the former, then make sure you do something regularly scheduled together as a family on the weekends. Walk in the park or something. If its the latter, can you hit the gym or something before heading home?

i think it's both.

thanks for your replies. hell has been raised and things are getting nicer around here. proper groveling is in effect. it will take some time though.

[HeartIsAching]

I was in the same situation for quite a while - as the primary caregiver.

When my ex got home, I needed a good 20 - 30 minutes child-free to decompress. We shared parenting duties after that, but when she got home I disappeared for a while.

Date nights are a fantastic idea. My wife and I have a "date" once a week, it's wonderful. It's often just us playing Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit, but sometimes we do other things - Monday we went roller-skating, for example.

[LoveCoach]

Hi Misombra,

Thanks for sharing your story!! You did a great job of describing your feeling - lonely, rejected, and abandoned. But it seems like you are not sure about how he feels. or perhaps you know how he feels but you believe it's not necessarily for you to share that part. I believe it's very important in relationship to remain emotinoal connected, meaning that partners are staying sharp on empathizing, respecting, listening, and being genuine honest about each other emotion, which often require a great courage to do.

There are many ways you can go about doing this, and only you can decide which way is best suited for your situation, but the underline is to focus more in empathizing, respecting, and listening to each other thoughts, emotion, attitudes and etc.

My boyfriend and i have an almost 2 year old. He stays home with baby and i work, which i do not mind. However when i get home he feels that he's done his part and goes to another part of the house with his friends or on his own. He makes plans to go out with friends and doesnt tell me until the last minute. Hes planning a weekend camping trip with his friends and does not ask me how i feel about it.

I feel like he doesnt care. That i have to start wwiii to get him to hang out with me. When he does he acts like its a favor or something. He tells me its good for us to do things separately but thats all we do these days.

Im feeling lonely and rejected. Its pretty depressing.

[Mish]

thanks for your replies. hell has been raised and things are getting nicer around here. proper groveling is in effect. it will take some time though.

Sorry to hear about what's been going on Miso. Feeling lonely and rejected is a horrible place to be. I hope things will get better soon.

I think raising hell is only a temporary solution, things will get back to how they were. It sounds like he really values his time alone. Is it a recent thing? If yes, maybe something's bothering him. I sometimes feel like being alone when under a lot of stress or pressure. (also, it's sometimes hard to tell where the stress is coming from, it can be from unlikliest places, something someone said or uncertainty in the future)

[misombra]

I was in the same situation for quite a while - as the primary caregiver.

When my ex got home, I needed a good 20 - 30 minutes child-free to decompress. We shared parenting duties after that, but when she got home I disappeared for a while.

Date nights are a fantastic idea. My wife and I have a "date" once a week, it's wonderful. It's often just us playing Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit, but sometimes we do other things - Monday we went roller-skating, for example.

thank you. my mom took the baby this morning and he and i are going to a coffee shop for caffeine and chess.

Hi Misombra,

Thanks for sharing your story!! You did a great job of describing your feeling - lonely, rejected, and abandoned. But it seems like you are not sure about how he feels. or perhaps you know how he feels but you believe it's not necessarily for you to share that part. I believe it's very important in relationship to remain emotinoal connected, meaning that partners are staying sharp on empathizing, respecting, listening, and being genuine honest about each other emotion, which often require a great courage to do.

There are many ways you can go about doing this, and only you can decide which way is best suited for your situation, but the underline is to focus more in empathizing, respecting, and listening to each other thoughts, emotion, attitudes and etc.

thank you.

Sorry to hear about what's been going on Miso. Feeling lonely and rejected is a horrible place to be. I hope things will get better soon.

I think raising hell is only a temporary solution, things will get back to how they were. It sounds like he really values his time alone. Is it a recent thing? If yes, maybe something's bothering him. I sometimes feel like being alone when under a lot of stress or pressure. (also, it's sometimes hard to tell where the stress is coming from, it can be from unlikliest places, something someone said or uncertainty in the future)

it's not new for him to value alone time. but i don't think he realizes that i need alone time too, and i've sacrificed most of it. it's probably not his fault entirely, but it makes me mad when he takes his alone time whenever he feels. it makes me feel jealous and lonely. but he does have stress.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCUXR3ept00[/url]

[Wakeup]

Date nights and the occassional weekend away without the kid(s) is what has kept the hubby and I emotionally connected all these years. Even now that our daughter is grown, we still need that one-on-one time away from the daily grind.

Chess at a coffee shop sounds awesome.. Have fun, misombra :o)

[LoveCoach]

Misombra,

check back. What have you tried to do during the last week? does it work?