Death in Girlfriend's Family, what do I do?

[MastaPDiddy]

Hey guys remember me.

For those of you who remember my story, my girlfriend and I are both backin the same city. Things are absolutely fantastic and we love each other so much.

Today my girlfriend's uncle died. I've never had a death in the family, so when she called and cried to me, I didn't really know what to say. I felt so dumb and worthless.

Another thing that bothered me is she hasn't seen her Ex in like 3 months. Today he showed up at her house and she said "they hugged and talked" she told me her ex told her to call me. It kind of bothered me that he was there and i wasn't...also she didnt tell me that he showed up but I had a feeling he did so i asked her point blank. Given her current state of emotions, I didn't even slightly hint that i was annnoyed at this.

Anyways what should I do or say? I feel helpless.

[theotherguy0123]

you will drive over to her house, knock on her door, and give her a hug, bring her a gift. This is a special occasion, cheer her up.

[football]

You have to make sure she knows you are there for her, you want to be her shoulder to cry on, the one that she will tell her great moments with her uncle too. Since you have never had this kinda thing happen to you, dont say crap like, I know how your feeling and stuff like that, she will see right though you and it will feel so corny. Dont try to give her advice on how to solve the problem, just be there for her and listen and care for her, it sounds simple but thats what a girl wants.

I would say call her up, tell her your coming over, dont ask, and she should be greatfull and welcome it.

[Only-virgins]

Nothing. Unless you can resurrect dead people.


_________________

[Hugo Pickle]

You all ready know that most of the time when women talk about things they really don’t want your advice, they just want to talk and have you listen. Mostly all you can do is hear them out and hold them or change the subject or make a small joke or whatever. I’m sure that she doesn’t want to hear bible dogma from you or Socrates thoughts on death.

I tell ya though it smells like bullshit to me that her ex just “stops by” at just the day that she needs someone after not seeing her for 3 months. Sounds to me like she called him and he rushed over and then wasn’t even going to mention it to you. Problem is that you can’t show that it gets to you or that you may think that. Because of her death in the family you can’t say to her that it is ****ed up that she “ran to her ex.”

Reverse the situation and think how she would react. You have a death in the family and your ex girlfriend comes over to you house on that same day and you “hug and talk.” Yeah, she would throw such a hissy fit like you have never seen before, but she wasn’t even going to tell you that her ex even stopped by. Something totally ****ed up about that. Did you ask her why he just stopped by after 3 months of not seeing her? If I were you I would either ask her if she called him or sneak a peek at her cell phone and go through the call list to find our when the last time she called him was. Something tells me your not getting the whole story on that one, and if your not, it is completely disrespectful. Like I said before man you need to start going out with other chicks and tell her they are just friends and let her chew on that one for a few weeks.

As far as thoughts on death and dying i can tell you if you want but i wouldn't give her a speach about it

[vashti]

If you choose to focus on a sympathy visit by her ex-boyfriend during her mourning process, then you are extremely selfish. I wouldn't blow that out of proportion until it becomes a recurrent problem. Then again, I don't have problems with insecurity. Do you?

There is not a "right" thing to say when a loved one dies, although there are lots of "wrong" things. Football's advice is right on. You can skip the gifts - they won't make her feel better if she loved this man. Besides, it is appropriate she spend time mourning his loss, and not be forced into feeling better about it on someone else's schedule. She shouldn't have to feel like her grief is bothering you so much that she has to "take care" of your emotional needs by cheering up.

Just be a good guy and be present. Silence is golden.

[Lloyd95]

If I were you I would either ask her if she called him or sneak a peek at her cell phone and go through the call list to find our when the last time she called him was.

Yeah, that's a great idea. Not.

Just go over there; take some food for the family b/c they won't feel like cooking; get a sandwich platter at a caterers or lasagna or something.

[Tone]

If you choose to focus on a sympathy visit by her ex-boyfriend during her mourning process, then you are extremely selfish. I wouldn't blow that out of proportion until it becomes a recurrent problem. Then again, I don't have problems with insecurity. Do you?

There is not a "right" thing to say when a loved one dies, although there are lots of "wrong" things. Football's advice is right on. You can skip the gifts - they won't make her feel better if she loved this man. Besides, it is appropriate she spend time mourning his loss, and not be forced into feeling better about it on someone else's schedule. She shouldn't have to feel like her grief is bothering you so much that she has to "take care" of your emotional needs by cheering up.

Just be a good guy and be present. Silence is golden.

I agree 100%.

Sure it bothers you but this is NOT the time to bring it up. Like was already said - you just have to be there for her. And like shh! said there is very little you can say that will make things better, but a whole lot you can say that can make things worse. Be there for her, comfort her, but above all else - keep your selfish, parinoid, insecure thoughts to yourself until at least a couple weeks when things have calmed down.

[MastaPDiddy]

Yea, I do have to just be there for her asd you guys are saying. She called her ex tho just to tell him and he insisted on coming over, even though she told me she told him she was uncomfy with it. BTW shes about 45 minutes drive from me, so its not THAT easy. It makes me slightly angry that she called him (even tho she called me first). I don't know, all I know is that this is something that i cannot bring up right now, and will be quite sometime fore i can.

I called her today,and the first time she picked up there was alot of noise so i hung up and called right badk. She answered again, and sounded kind of cold. I told her that I am thinking about herr and hoping she is alright. She said "ok" and then goodbyes...no i love yous. Whatever, i hope she gets her stuff straightened out.

I would love to do anything to make her happy, but when she was telling me how she felt there were pauses where i felt like i should be saying something to comfort her. But I had no idea what to say...all i said was " I don't know what to tell you, this has never hapepend to me before so I won't pretend to know how you feel, but i will understand" She said she just needed some alone time. (this was after she saw her ex, i dunno and by the way when her ex saw her, he told her to call me because it wohld make her feel better, she said that was weird of him to say that)

[vashti]

Yea, I do have to just be there for her asd you guys are saying. She called her ex tho just to tell him and he insisted on coming over, even though she told me she told him she was uncomfy with it. BTW shes about 45 minutes drive from me, so its not THAT easy. It makes me slightly angry that she called him (even tho she called me first). I don't know, all I know is that this is something that i cannot bring up right now, and will be quite sometime fore i can.

Ugh. You DO have problems with insecurity, don't you? I suggest you man up and pretend like you don't. No one wants to deal with that while they are grieving a loved one's death.

And don't call her and then hang up. That is rude.

[MastaPDiddy]

Ugh. You DO have problems with insecurity, don't you? I suggest you man up and pretend like you don't. No one wants to deal with that while they are grieving a loved one's death.

And don't call her and then hang up. That is rude.

No i hide my insecurities pretty well. But yes, I do have some.

I didnt hang up on her...it was distorted or something i couldn't understand a word she was saying..it was cutting away and stuff. so i yelled into the phone,"IM GONNA CALL YOU BACK"

[vashti]

Okay then. That is good.
:-)

[MastaPDiddy]

So..any thoughts?

on both the ex bf situation and the what do i do or say situation.

(dont make me make this thread another 20 pages long like the other one lol)

[MastaPDiddy]

What the hell just happened????

She just told me we need to take down our relationship 20 notches, and that when i go back to school we need space from each other. This is out of now where!!!

for those of you who remember my story from the other thread....now what!!!!

[Hugo Pickle]

I knew there was something wrong with calling her ex boyfriend. I told you what to do last time and you agreed with me even though everyone else said I didn’t know what I was talking about. This is what I said in the last thread

Sorry Masta but when a girl your dating says she needs more space and starts seeing her ex, that’s pretty freaken bad man. I think you might have made the classic mistake that all of us guys have made before and that is to be too into a girl before she is really into you. Doesn’t matter now though, now you have to be a man again and start playing the field.

She said to you, “I need space and will not see you for 5 days” honestly man that is total bullshit. If I were you I would be totally freaken pissed by that. In my view there is only one thing that you can do and that is to start going out with your friends and start hitting on other chicks.

Why? Because she thinks in her mind that you are totally hers and she is trying to put you on the back burner like a pot of hot water so she can have her cup of tea whenever she wants. Your like a steak dinner that she ordered too much of and now she is trying to put you in the fridge while she looks and flirts with some kind of new flavored desert. Oh she might not have any desert but she thinks your ass is gona just stay in the fridge while she keeps looking at the menu. **** that shit.

You need to all of the sudden say, you know what, I’m getting out of this fridge and having me some fun. The point is that you can’t let her try to stick you in a closet like she owns you while she herself runs around and talks to ex boyfriends and crap. You have to put a sense of need in her like you might find someone else. You need to show her that while you like her a lot, you are not totally infatuated with her and she is not the owner of your heart and soul. Even if she is, right now you have to put it back in your pocket and treat her like a regular girl in a way.

At the time you read it you said ‘right on” but you didn’t take it to heart. You still treated everything like she is your girl and she is all you want. She did you wrong again. They told you not to get pissed about her calling her ex, I said “yeah that’s ****ed up.” What you have to do is exactly what I said before. You have to be a man and start playing the field. Be a friend to her but not like before. Treat her like any regular girl that you are not interested. If it helps, think of her like someone that you dated years ago but now all of the sudden got fat. Your still friends with her but as far as doing shit for her, no way, not unless she lets you **** her in the ass in public. You can even tell her that in a playful way with a smile.

You have to realize that she sees you as weak. Think about that. I know it hurts and I don’t mean to hurt you I am trying to help you. She sees you as someone that is not a challenge, not exciting, and she has no respect for you. When she needed a “Man” she called her ex boyfriend. That should have told you all you needed to know.

There is good news, you are a man, that’s why she got with you in the first place. The problems started ( I guess) when you started treating her like your best friend and the woman of your dreams. You can’t do that. Not whole heartedly. I’m not saying don’t ever be sweet, and never do nice things, not at all. What I am saying is not matter how sweet you are to her, you always have to be a man about things. You always have to demand respect. You always have to demand a certain kind of treatment. You always have to keep a part of your heart in your pocket and only let it all out “some of the time.”

Go out and make new friends and date other women and do not let them walk all over you. Not saying that she did, but often times when she did you wrong you sought out advice about it here before acting on it the way your instincts told you too. Trust your instincts, they are usually right, but practice acting on those instincts with a ton of self control, but always act on them.

Good luck, sorry this happened to you. Chin up, if you learn from this then things will get better.