I am not liking the Baby Momma "Drama"

[anthonee]

Greetings forum. I'm not sure where this question would go, but I wanted a women's perspective on my problem. This is also my first post, so please be kind as I try to feel my way around.

With that said, I have a girlfriend who I am very serious with, and a marriage proposal is right around the corner. I have a daughter by another women, and she has a son. Lately she's been getting really pissed because my daughter's mother calls me all the time. She even gets upset when my daughter wants to talk to me, because it's usually her mother who calls me.

My question are: Why is my girlfriend getting so upset? Is this her problem? If her being upset is my fault, then what can I do to stay in my daughters life without offending my girlfriend?

Please help.

Anthonee

[Ailish]

She entered into the relationship knowing you had the responsibility of another child. She being a mother herself should have more than a little comprehension of what that entails.
How much interest does her son's dad pay to him? That could upset her. She could be suspicious of your ex, wondering if she is using your daughter as an excues to talk to you so often.

As to how annoyed I would get would depend on how often is all the time is. I would love it if my sons dad would ring to speak to him, but I can count on one hand the number of times he has done this. My partner did get annoyed at one point when his dad was ringing or sending text messages to me 16+ times a day. That was a bit much

[anthonee]

First thank you for your reply. Her son's father is not in his life. I think she is suspicious. I think she hates that I can't see through it, or that I don't let on that I do. But what can I do? I want to be in my daughters life. How do I decrease the calls to me, when I'm thinking it's daughter related?

I would say I get atleast 1 call everyday about something. Sometimes two calls. At one point she would call and call, when I didn't answer, and my gf would get very annoyed. I would, however, feel the brunt of her annoyance.

[buzwiz]

You need 2 talk 2 your GF and explain too her that you need to be a part of your daughters life and that means keeping in contact with your ex she probably feels insercue and is worried that your ex is just trying to get back with you by ringing a million times aday xxx

[DarkDwarf]

Well, I would concur with buzwiz. You need to confront her about it and ask why she doesn't like the fact that your ex-lover is calling you. You should explain to her that you love her (your girlfriend), but you also love your daughter.

[vashti]

Take this from me: I have been a step-child, a step-sibling, and a step-parent. The woman you are thinking of marrying is going to make your life a living hell, as well as that of your daughter. She does not seem to understand that your CHILD is your first responsibility, not her petty insecurities. How can you for a single moment tolerate someone who resents your own child calling you? These problems WILL, I promise you, escalate. She will be working on getting you to turn your back on your own kid. This is a recipe for disaster. You will do irreperable harm to the relationship between yourself and your daughter if you marry this woman.

I wouldn't do anything foolish (like get remarried) until this is absolutely a non-issue. That woman is going to be responsible for helping to raise your daughter and she already resents her. BAD, BAD, BAD idea. What will things be like when you daughter is a rotten teenager, worthy of loathing? You should really think about getting some counseling if you insist on keeping this woman around, but honestly, I don't think this kind of problem can be repaired.

Do the right thing for your daughter. You are her DAD, for crying out loud.

PS - I am not a hypocrite. I've made nice with my husband's ex so many times, she actually thinks we are friends, and I really don't even like her. I also write in my husband's calendar once-per-week phone calls to ensure he keeps in close contact with his older kids. I schedule all holidays around THEIR needs so they won't have to choose where to go. I've sacrificed a LOT to ensure they have regular contact with their dad. THAT is how someone behaves when they have a child's best interests in mind.

[squirrley]

Im a parent married recently married to someone who doesnt have children and it IS a problem. Oh yea welcome arms and all but the first sight of problems and he's on the shitter. It has caused serious damage. My son is now 18. We married a year ago.

Ive expressed relentlessly to my husband when we married he KNEW we were a package deal and that seems to have to have to turned to "oh freakn well." Im in the middle but choose my son at all times. Of course it pisses my husband off to no end, cause my son is number 1 in my life and not him. But my son has been around alot longer than he is.

You NEED to tell you gf your daughter is important in your life and she needs to accept it like it or not if not theres the door. Theres not enough love that will overcome some of this trust me. Im in it right now.

Tell her, and you can express to your x to only call when there is an emergency. You need the respect for yourself and for your current gf.

you HAVE to straighten it out now because there will be years of bs to come.

[anthonee]

Tell her, and you can express to your x to only call when there is an emergency. You need the respect for yourself and for your current gf.

you HAVE to straighten it out now because there will be years of bs to come.

Again, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate everyone's responses.

I have told my ex that. I have asked her only to call me during emergencies. But what about when my daughter wants to call me? She's only five, so she doesn't know how to call me herself.

She has expressed that this has been really hard on her to tolerate. I fear that this will bring much bs to our lives.

She has a son too, and I expect her to put his needs first in her life. Why can't she understand that I have to do the same for my daughter. Given, the situation is a bit different, in that my daughter's mother is the custodial parent (we were never married), but my daughter is the light of my heart.

I think what I've gained from the few responses I've gotten so far is that I need to discuss this with my gf, and let her know that her resentments are preventing a healthy relationship with my daughter, she comes first in my physical life, that I don't want my ex back, and that I love her (gf).

[squirrley]

Youre doing the right thing for your daughter. Your gf honestly is being petty about it. Shes FIVE!! She's going to be in your life the rest of YOUR lives. If she cant deal with the minor stuff now what is it going to be like when she hits a teen? OMG oh wow, you need to set the ground rules. She either accepts it or she doesnt. Theres no middle ground. When your x calls you dont have to talk to her or keep it simple. Your daughter IS your life. And believe me you have so many years ahead of enjoyment and heartache with her, dont miss out on something wonderful because your gf cant get it. She's being insecure which is almost selfish on her part. She's like taking it out on your daughter because she cant call? Thats honestly messed up.

Its nice and great of you to let her know her son comes first too. Its important she knows it. The love you feel for your children cant even compare for the romantic love you have someone. But a child is something uncomparable. You can have a healthy relationship with someone as long as they understand there is a child involved.

Again, just let her know how important she is to you, but your daughter is just as important and you want to be involved in EVERYTHING in her life!

[vashti]

I hate to say it, because it is one of the very ugliest parts of being a woman, but a great many of us can't handle well someone else's children being in the picture. "There shall be no gods before me and MY children" thinking.

Don't marry a woman like that.

As for your ex trying to get you back (if that is indeed the case), once you have a stable relationship formed with someone, her excessive calls should diminish. However, if you marry a bitch that is interfereing with your ability to parent your daughter, your ex will have a great deal of justifiable wrath, and you will ALL suffer.

[Michael6084]

DON'T MARRY HER. your daughter is your blood and there is no way to change that. your girlfriend is acting like a 16 year old girl: it's all about her in her mind. she thinks she should be the center of attention. spoiled as hell, i presume?

i would think as a father, raising a daughter would be hard enough, worrying about the types of guys out there and whatever. then you have to worry about your current girlfriend over stupid shit because she believes she's the center of attention?

damn, if that was my girlfriend i would make it VERY clear that my daughter comes first and if she doesn't like it, she can find someone else. don't let her push you around and be very firm in that, no if's and's or but's about it.

[anthonee]

DON'T MARRY HER. your daughter is your blood and there is no way to change that.

Please keep in mind that I want to keep this girl in my life. She is my friend. She is my partner. I believe God has helped us find each other. I don't want to give up so easily. Just trying to find a way to make this work for everyone.

I think lately people give up too easily on what they deem important to them at the moment. Then when things get too hard, they give up.

Ladies of this forum, maybe you could help me to form the words I need to say to keep my friend, and help her see that my daughter is important to me.

[vashti]

I think lately people give up too easily on what they deem important to them at the moment. Then when things get too hard, they give up.

Yes. Men (and sometimes women) often walk away from their children when things get tough. I don't want this to be you.

Ladies of this forum, maybe you could help me to form the words I need to say to keep my friend, and help her see that my daughter is important to me.

Tell her you love her, but you are absolutely unwilling to allow ANYONE to come between you and your daughter, and that she (your daughter) will always be your first priority, just as her son should be hers. And then tell her that if she loves you, she will support you 100% on this position, just as you intend to support her in her loyalty to her son.

I know you are trying to figure out a way to sugar coat this, but I really think you need to be direct and blunt. It may hurt some now, but not nearly as much as it will when you start having step-issues later on.

Be firm.

[Charlie Boy II]

Vashti is really collecting names and returning favours in this thread.

[Mish]

I've made nice with my husband's ex so many times, she actually thinks we are friends, and I really don't even like her. I also write in my husband's calendar once-per-week phone calls to ensure he keeps in close contact with his older kids. I schedule all holidays around THEIR needs so they won't have to choose where to go. I've sacrificed a LOT to ensure they have regular contact with their dad. THAT is how someone behaves when they have a child's best interests in mind.

I liked reading that Vash. You should post insights like this more often.