Rekindled Romance - do they ever work?

[Melina]

I'm in the early stages of some form of "relationship" with a guy I have known for over 20 years, since I was a young teen. We have been together before, several times over 20+ years but for one reason or another we drifted apart with one or other of us just not being in a good place. Last time we were together it ended badly with another person involved. We met again recently and for the first time ever, are both in really good places right now (by places I mean with regards to general wellbeing and circumstances). What happened last time was down to many things, both of us were to blame and do recognise that - these things have been put in the past where they belong, a line drawn so to speak. I can live with that, I'm happy to forgive that hurt only as the circumstances were so extreme at the time.

I love this guy. I always have. Their is something there for both of us, of that I am in no doubt whatsoever. This time, for the first time, we are both happy with who we are and what we want in life and if I'm honest, the only thing missing in the last few years has been him. Sounds pathetic I know but it has always been him. Anyone I ever met I compared to him (and all his faults!!) and noone ever even came close. I know it sounds corny but it's always been him. I have loved every minute of his company and don't want it to end. We danced around the topic of a relationship the other day then a real deep discussion and we would both love to try again, I really do believe it would work this time as we both seem so "sorted" now I think it really has a fighting chance.

I'm scared of hurting any of the children we have, they were all hurt from the last split. I don't ever want to put them through that again. So at the moment we are tenuously seeing one another without their knowledge until we are really sure this is something that can last. We both want this and are both prepared to keep putting the effort in to ensure it has the best possible chance.

Do rekindled romances ever really truly work? I would love to hear some real stories about some experiences if you would care to share? Anything I should be looking out for?

[marzipan.banana]

I have a friend who's getting married to a woman he met nine years ago. They've lived in separate countries since then, and she's two states away from him now. But they're still going to get married.

It can work. I can't offer any advice past that because I have no experience. But good luck.

[smackie9]

If you do think you are going to give it another try I suggest some couples counseling, to help you "sort out" things properly. If you both have struggled, off and on throughout the relationship for the last 20 years, while each time trying to make it work on your own unsuccessfully, maybe it would be wise to seek out some professional help.

[haxan]

No, they never work out. It's just a toxic addiction. It will end, again, probably more turbulent than the last time. How many times do you have to fail at something to realize it doesn't work? You both may be happy with who you are and where you're at, but when you mix it together, it will turn sour, as it always has. Some people just don't work in relationships.

Counseling is a waste of time and money. If you can't figure out your own problems, a disinterested 3rd party isn't going to help.

[Boisdevie]

If it was going to work it would have already worked.

[smackie9]

In certain cases yes it can because you are in a better place in your life. My GF has rekindled a relationship she had ended when she was 19 because she was not in a good place, so now that she is 50, divorced for about 7 years, got out of a long term about a year ago, she found her old love on facebook. She told me when they finally got to see each other again after all those years it was love at first sight. She is doing very well, and couldn't be happier.

It's up to you my dear if you want to really make it work this time. Counseling is only a waste of time if one or the other is not on board with it.....BUT if your gut is telling you no this is not feeling right, please don't ignore this warning, the other do have valid points on how these things go.

[Melina]

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate the time you have spent writing them. I can see this from so many different angles as if it was me responding, I too would also be "OMG DONT GO THERE"... or kinder words to that effect.

I have decided to ignore my own advice and go with my gut instinct as it's never let me down - what has let me down has been choosing to ignore it. I've ignored my instincts before with this man, I knew I, or he, wasn't ready, weren't in the right place and yet continued with a relationship anyway. This time, despite the difficult history, it feels so right. We are taking our time to get to know one another as if there was no history at all, something I feel we neglected to do in the past. We are also communicating, properly, on a daily basis with complete openness and honesty. The answers to questions, his or mine, aren't always perhaps what we wanted to hear but they are honest and we have talked through them.

I never thought I'd trust him again, ever. I never thought I'd trust anyone again come to think of it. Neither did I ever think I'd love anyone again, not properly, I've always held back to save myself from hurting. This time, I'm going to give him 100% as I figure if I'm doing this on any level and it goes wrong it will hurt like hell so I might as well give it a good a chance as it can have and really open up to be me. He appears to have done the same and it's not just words, small gestures, thoughtful ones, his actions and his general manner tell me I'm not just being sweet talked.

My eyes are wide open, we have both had counselling albeit separately in recent years, but it seems to have done the trick when it comes to knowing who we are, how to talk things through and focusing us, couple counselling is something we have discussed if anything comes up that we feel we need some help with. What's the worst that can happen? So I might get hurt, but by not even trying I'll be hurt with the "what ifs" and seeing him without being with him, that will hurt me too. I've been to hell and back through my life and in comparison, a broken heart is nothing and however difficult, I'd get through it and come out stronger once again.

I really do have a good feeling about this, it may well be we decide to be just friends but I can't see it the way things are going at the moment. I guess we both finally grew up...