Is he playing games with me?

[Badlover]

I've recently started dating a guy friend who has been after me for nearly 7 years, we know a great deal about eachother's past, as well as personality traits. The man in question has a great reputation, tons of friends, great accomplishments, and a squeaky clean background. He was in a terrible, volitile, toxic relationship a few years ago, and hasn't seriously dated since. He told me he's had "friends", but they knew they weren't his girlfriend so he never led them on. He said he could have been in a relationship long ago but he's waiting to find someone who will really appreciate him, respect him, and be a lady. I got out of a terribly abusive relationship earlier this year in which my ex hurt me physically and verbally. I am still pretty traumatized and going through counseling, but he has been there for me emotionally and telling me I deserve much better. He said he was upset with me for giving my last two exes a chance before him, he said he always knew he would treat me the best, I just needed to give him the opportunity.

It's been 7 to 8 weeks since we have been dating, and I can definately see us growing closer. It's sort of sneaking up on me without me actually realizing it's happening. Throughout this time I have met his closest friends, his sisters, and he's setting up a time for me to meet his mom because she's dying to meet me. His friends and family are so warm and welcoming I felt like they were my friends, and he has this beautiful picture of us together saved as the background on his phone. We have gone from random conversations a few times a week, to "Good Morning Beautiful" texts every morning, consistent calls during the day, and never falling asleep without saying goodnight to eachother. I tell him how wonderful I think he is all the time and I notice he LOVES it when I stroke his ego, like more than anything.

He established that we are not seeing other people, he told me he's serious about me and has goals and plans for our relationship. He said he would like me to be his girlfriend, but he doesn't want to rush things, and he likes how things are going so far. He went down a laundry list of things he loves about me, and I thought it was the sweetest ever. I'm so used to hearing terrible things about everything, I say, do, and feel that it's a little difficult to believe and accept someone likes the things I got constant complaints about. He tells me I'm his beautiful goddess and he thinks I'm smart and amazing and we can build a magnificent future together. He said he doesn't want to let me down, he's not trying to waste either of our time, and he's serious. I really like him, and we recently started sleeping together which is intensifying my emotional attachment to him, and I'm getting scared. I told him about how I was feeling and he's reasuring as ever telling me, "it's okay, take your time". It's almost like I'm on high defense, emotional preservation mode looking for signs and red flags to run away.

The first thing that scared me was a guy friend that has a ton of emotional and relationship problems like ALWAYS, and earlier in my friendship he liked me. I was all excited because the guy I'm dating made this sweet post about me on Facebook describing all of the things he likes about me without saying my name. All his friends were liking and commenting nice things, and I posted "She sounds cool", and he tagged me like "Yes you are", and all his friends started adding me. He posted other stuff as well that I didn't comment on, only liked but they were really sweet and directed towards me. One night we went out and a photographer took this gorgeous picture of us and he posted it as well, and the photographer wrote on his wall mentioning us together. My guy friend said the guy looked like a player cause he didn't initially tag me in the posts and claimed "he could have been talking about 10 other girls just like you. He probably likes similar personalities and killed 20 birds with one stone". No other girls responded, but he insisted his posts were written in a way to show off and boost his ego. The guy friend also claimed the guy I'm dating is hideous and I must be blind, and he looks much better than him and doesn't understand why I choose him instead.

The very next day the guy I'm dating and I were together and his ex girlfriend's big sister was calling. They had done some MLM thing in the past and he figured that's what she was calling about. He put her on the speakers in his car so I could hear the conversation, but it wasn't what he thought. She was livid he was dating someone new and asked him, "Are you dating that girl you tagged in your status?!" He told her yes, and she was very angry he had moved on from her sister. According to her, he had been sleeping with her back in April or May and they were talking about the possibility of working on their relationship. This is the crazy volitile ex-girlfriend he had been dating while we were friends, and I remember the sobbing phone calls I'd get from him when they'd get into fights. He nicely explained that he and her sister hadn't spoken since May, and he told her that he didn't want to be with her anymore. Apparently the girl didn't tell her sister that because she really liked them together and thought that someday they'd be together again. The argument went on for about 30 minutes, I started feeling uncomfortable and stepped out of the car so they could have privacy.

He explained to me afterword that he hasn't spoken to her in like 6 months, they aren't even facebook friends and he didn't realize her sister was still on his page. He asked me how I felt about the whole situation, and that I had nothing to worry about because he was not interested in his ex anymore. Just recently, maybe 3 weeks later, I noticed all posts about me and the picture is off his page, I thought back to what my guy friend said, but it had been up there for a while and he got over 100 likes and comments already. Then today he made this post "Only a ladies man can tell when a waitress or bank teller is flirting or just being nice when regular dudes would be unsure. Get on this ladies man wave". Then in the comments he wrote "There's not one lady in this world I can't get, all I need is time".

This pissed me off cause when we first dating, he went bragging to one of our mutual friends like "I've been after her for 7 years! I told you one day she'd come around, I told you I'd get her! I told you I can get any girl!". I subtlely mentioned it and he explained himself that he didn't mean it in a disrespectful way, he just knew we would be good together from the day he first saw me, and he knew if he was persistent, with time I'd see it too. He said when he says he's a "ladie's man" he means he knows how women think because he grew up in a house with a ton of women, he doesn't mean it as in being a player, just mentally in tune with all women. I didn't mention the comment he posted tonight about being a ladies man or being able to get any woman he wants, but it's making me feel like I'm a conquest or an ego boost. I assume he'd respect me and be considerate of my feelings because of our friendship, but posts like these make me wonder. He called me tonight, sweet as ever blowing me kisses, wishing me sweet dreams and making plans for our reoccurring weekend date night, I didn't say anything about the posts.

I guess now I'm just wondering if he's getting comfortable since he knows I'm falling for him, although I never verbally expressed this. I was bothered that I'm not officially his girlfriend although he introduces me as his girlfriend to everybody, and if he's playing games with me. I understand we are early in our relationship, but I'm catching feelings for him slowly but strongly and I want to be wise enough to catch red flags before I fall head over heels in love. I told him how I was feeling already and he said it was okay and we can take our time, part of me wants to be official, but the other part of me is scared. If we're official and posting pictures all over the internet, and I introduce him to my family and things don't work out, I'd be so embarrassed. Everyone seems amazing at first, I just need time to figure out if he's all the wonderful things I think he is before he meets my dad or goes on my FB or Insta.

I also need to know his temperment and if he'd ever physically hurt me. I've never seen or heard of him having angry outbursts or fighting or hurting anyone, but I'm very scared of making him angry because of what I've gone through with my ex. I'm secretly afraid I'm just a barbie doll to him, everyone thinks he's hideous and I'm too pretty for him but this means nothing to me. When I look at him I see a wonderful person that I admire. I think he's intelligent, classy and the quintessential gentleman, there's nothing bad I'd ever say about him and I personally find him handsome and sophisticated. He's someone I'm proud to be with and to be seen with, but I'm wondering if he's viewing me as some "hot chick" he gets to show off to all his friends like a trophy. Like "Look what I got!", which is why he posted the picture and has it on his phone showing everyone. I know Facebook is a stupid way to guage the progress of relationships, I'm 26 years old and so embarrassed. I just don't like his bragging, and I'm wondering if he's leading me on, especially since we are a little long distance as we live 45 minutes away.

[Wakeup]

I think you should talk to your therapist about your fears with this guy and discuss the situation with him/her. You are obviously not over the issues that took place in your last relationship and so your current boyfriend is suffering the sins of the other men in your past.

You don't trust him. Whether he is untrustworthy or not depends on how he has been treating you. Everything you describe in your opening post does not indicate an untrustworthy person.

Your other male friend ... well, I'd not listen to him because the chances are high that he has ulterior motives and boosts his own ego by putting this guy down.

Anyway: If you are such a wreck about what he writes on some stupid social networking site then why not ask him to go private and quit bragging about how good he is with women if he wants to be with you. You're not happy as is so you might as well see what you can get that will make you happy. If he refuses then dump him and save yourself all the grief in your insecurity while you creep his page and yourself right out of a relationship.

Do work on coming to terms with your past before you date again if you leave him. If you insist on staying with him while you watch him play havoc with your fears then you don't love yourself much.... Yet!

[Badlover]

I think you should talk to your therapist about your fears with this guy and discuss the situation with him/her. You are obviously not over the issues that took place in your last relationship and so your current boyfriend is suffering the sins of the other men in your past.

You don't trust him. Whether he is untrustworthy or not depends on how he has been treating you. Everything you describe in your opening post does not indicate an untrustworthy person.

Your other male friend ... well, I'd not listen to him because the chances are high that he has ulterior motives and boosts his own ego by putting this guy down.

Anyway: If you are such a wreck about what he writes on some stupid social networking site then why not ask him to go private and quit bragging about how good he is with women if he wants to be with you. You're not happy as is so you might as well see what you can get that will make you happy. If he refuses then dump him and save yourself all the grief in your insecurity while you creep his page and yourself right out of a relationship.

Do work on coming to terms with your past before you date again if you leave him. If you insist on staying with him while you watch him play havoc with your fears then you don't love yourself much.... Yet!

I appreciate your response so much, thank you for taking the time to even read my post cause I know it's lengthy. Realizations like these are difficult to come to terms with, I do have a lot of emotional baggage to overcome and I had the feeling most of my feelings had no substance in my current relationship.

For this reason, I try my absolute best to conceal these insecurities from the man in question by NEVER mentioning them. I always try to sound light, happy and free when we speak although that's not how I'm feeling inside. He truly is a wonderful man, he's the best I've ever dated, and it sucks that we get together while I'm having such a tough emotional time. I really do want to continue dating him as I really like and value him, I know I just need to take it slow and focus on current actions instead of anxiety and fear.

Last weekend I did come clean about my fear of deepening my emotional connection, about how I acknowledged it had nothing to do with him, and I needed time to get myself to a point where I can be comfortable. It felt so good to be honest and all of the weirdness went away and he was very supportive. The Facebook situation was stupid, I'll never mention it ever, I'm actually thinking about deactivating my account.

I'm happy to be realizing my flaws and weaknesses and baggage because this is the only way I can change it. I secretly get myself way too worked up and stressed out over things that aren't even happening. I need to chill out and live more in the moment, and this guy is a saint for not taking advantage of my vulnerabilities the way my ex did and displaying such patience.