Chaos after an affaire

[Jillian]

Months ago, I had a one night stand with my boyfriend of a few years cousin. The two of them had always been close, but very compeditive. They were like brothers growing up, but grew apart later. I had always been attracted to my boyfriends cousin. We had known eachother since childhood, but we weren't close. I thought he didn't even like me.
But as months went by, we started to see him more and more. He began treating me diffrent to. He started by teasing me in a playful way, she started calling me beautiful, he would wink at me, whisper in my ear, and stare into my eyes forever. He would flirt with me. At one point he said to my boyfriend that they would have fought over me if he had the chance. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do. Later I messages him. We admited to a mutual attraction, he told me that he could even reject the idea of being with me. I senced he was becoming unfomfurtable. I avoided him for several months, in this time, he told family members that I was after him and had made sexual advances. I didn't hear any of this till months later.
Time passed and we started talking again. He was now diffrent, he had no problem with flirting with me and quickly he became sexual and eventually asked if I would sleep with him when we the chance. He said he cared for me, and how much he wanted me. He asked for pictures and sent me song lyrics. He bought condoms and we slept together. Right after it happened, he regreted it, he was scared to death that my boyfriend knew. Withen 24 hours, the whole family knew. Now I'm outcastes, and so is he. Everyone hates me and at this point Ive accepted the fact that I'll never be accepted into this family. At first he claimed he was way too drunk and accused me of taking advantage of him. He quickly recalled his statement and said it wasn't true before changeing his story again. My boyfriend and i have been able to work through this as well as much more emotionaly painful issues. What kills me is that the other hates me more then anything. He won't speak to me at all and he blames the every single thing that happened on me. I cry all the time wondering if he cared for me in the first place. He had other women after him that night, but he chose me. So I wonder why he didn't to avoid as the conflict. I feel thrown under the buss. What's worse is I still care for him. I love my boyfriend and I care for them both. Now my boyfriend hates someone who was raised as his brother and I don't know what else I can do. I tried to take the blame for as much as I could for what happened, but it doesn't help. I still care about him much. It hurts that he doesn't to speak me again. I still have feelings for him, but wonder if he just used me. I've only been with 2 men even into my 20s.*I had never dreamed cheating before. I didn't sleep with him to be some homewrecker or just wanted sex, but rather developed feelings for the wrong person. I stillloved him and miss him. I want to fix things, for everyone.

[kitkitkitty]

after all of this the best thing to do is just leave it. this guy you developed feelings for is going to have to do the same.

[sparkle_jello]

It's really hard to feel sympathy for you. This wasn't a one night stand, you slept with the guys cousin. You even talked about your attraction months before. This wasn't spur of the moment, it was like you were waiting for your chance. God knows how your bf took you back.