Getting Back in Touch

[Gigabitch]

Long story. Big question.

I met him in 7th grade. In high school, we got to be really great friends. He was always there for me in a thousand ways, from picking up the pieces after a breakup to teaching me how to fix my car. He always said that we'd end up together.

We stayed in touch after high school, through all of my moving around from state to state. He was always there. When I was miserable and too broke to rent a U-Haul, he came out to California to get me. He's a prince.

We tried to date when we were in our early 20's. It didn't go well. He was bossy. I was stubborn. Crashed and burned within 3 months, but miraculously, we remained friends.

A couple of years later, after another stint of living away, I came back to town in a pretty bad state. I'd had my heart broken, then fell in love again too fast, which scared the crap out of me, and I think I had come home to self-destruct. I broke up with the guy I was in love with and started partying like a rock star, dating everyone that even vaguely caught my eye, sleeping around a bit, doing cocaine, drinking like a fish, basically just disrespecting myself in many and varied ways.

At some point in the middle of this mayhem, I went out with my friend one night. We got shitfaced and ended up in bed again together. The next day, things were a little awkward (of course), but I blamed it on being hungover, so sure that he was a permanent part of my life I didn't need to worry about it.

I never heard from him again.

I'd like to say I called and tried to keep in touch, but I honestly don't remember if I did or not. I totally took him for granted, and I lost him somehow.

Maybe I was paying attention, though, because shortly after this event, I cleaned up my act and started dating my now ex-husband, who was a very safe bet for me. I committed myself to living a much more sane life with someone who didn't make me feel like being extreme in any way.

Now I'm divorced from that guy, and back together with the guy I was in love with and broke up with to self-destruct all those years ago, and totally happy with him. My old friend lives back east somewhere, has a wife and has a couple of kids.

I have his e-mail address. I found it online.

So the question is: Should I get back in touch? I'd like for him to know that I finally pulled my head out of my ass. I'd like for him to know that he's the best friend I've ever had. I'm afraid that doing this will stir up all kinds of shit, or that he'll have some confusion about the platonic nature of my feelings.

What should I do?

[King Zarathu]

Long story. Big question.

I met him in 7th grade. In high school, we got to be really great friends. He was always there for me in a thousand ways, from picking up the pieces after a breakup to teaching me how to fix my car. He always said that we'd end up together.

We stayed in touch after high school, through all of my moving around from state to state. He was always there. When I was miserable and too broke to rent a U-Haul, he came out to California to get me. He's a prince.

We tried to date when we were in our early 20's. It didn't go well. He was bossy. I was stubborn. Crashed and burned within 3 months, but miraculously, we remained friends.

A couple of years later, after another stint of living away, I came back to town in a pretty bad state. I'd had my heart broken, then fell in love again too fast, which scared the crap out of me, and I think I had come home to self-destruct. I broke up with the guy I was in love with and started partying like a rock star, dating everyone that even vaguely caught my eye, sleeping around a bit, doing cocaine, drinking like a fish, basically just disrespecting myself in many and varied ways.

At some point in the middle of this mayhem, I went out with my friend one night. We got shitfaced and ended up in bed again together. The next day, things were a little awkward (of course), but I blamed it on being hungover, so sure that he was a permanent part of my life I didn't need to worry about it.

I never heard from him again.

I'd like to say I called and tried to keep in touch, but I honestly don't remember if I did or not. I totally took him for granted, and I lost him somehow.

Maybe I was paying attention, though, because shortly after this event, I cleaned up my act and started dating my now ex-husband, who was a very safe bet for me. I committed myself to living a much more sane life with someone who didn't make me feel like being extreme in any way.

Now I'm divorced from that guy, and back together with the guy I was in love with and broke up with to self-destruct all those years ago, and totally happy with him. My old friend lives back east somewhere, has a wife and has a couple of kids.

I have his e-mail address. I found it online.

So the question is: Should I get back in touch? I'd like for him to know that I finally pulled my head out of my ass. I'd like for him to know that he's the best friend I've ever had. I'm afraid that doing this will stir up all kinds of shit, or that he'll have some confusion about the platonic nature of my feelings.

What should I do?

Alright, so you had some serious problems and he helped you. He was always there for you. That's cool, and he sounds like a great guy.

But aren't things working out for you now? You have a boyfriend that you're head over heels for (unless something happened that you haven't told me about), and you both are happy. If nothing is wrong with the way things are now, don't risk a ****-up with change. That's like asking for drama. "Yes, and I'd like a side of drama with that, please. Heavy on the bullshit."

Do you feel like you're in debt? I mean, okay, you tell him you've pulled your head out of your ass. Just because he's married doesn't stop him from saying that he wants to get back with you. Remember, people are crazy; we're not in 1911 anymore.

I advise against e-mailing him because it opens up a possibility for trouble, and you're happy as it is. Contacting him wouldn't do dick.

[Gigabitch]

The current guy would have no problem with this, as my feelings for my friend are entirely platonic, and he knows how much I regret losing this important friend. I think he would be completely in support of it.

My concerns are really about the friend's impression. The last time he saw me, I was a walking disaster. I was one of those girls who messes up your life. For the most part, I don't care about the damage I did (yes, I'm horrible, I know), but the fact that I disgusted him to the point where he moved on is not something that's sitting well with me.

Sometimes it's too late to fix that shit, though.

[Mathias]

I'm trying to think like the guy here, Giga.

Is there any way you can get his home address? Weird, but what I'd want if I were the guy is a personal, handwritten letter describing everything, without your return address on the envelope.

That would be the perfect closing for me.

[vashti]

I agree with Mathias, although I have to point out that if he is attached to a woman now, she may not like the idea of a woman from the past popping up again, and if she gives him hell about it, he probably wouldn't appreciate the sentiment.

Still, if you must, I say Matty's way is the best. No return address means you aren't expecting a response.

[Kiechi]

I agree with Mathias, although I have to point out that if he is attached to a woman now, she may not like the idea of a woman from the past popping up again, and if she gives him hell about it, he probably wouldn't appreciate the sentiment.

Still, if you must, I say Matty's way is the best. No return address means you aren't expecting a response.

...unless she wants one.

[King Zarathu]

I say **** the entire idea. What is this supposed to do? I highly doubt that after a wife and kids he's going to be crying in the corner, twiddling his thumbs, wondering why so and so did or did not happen.

[Gigabitch]

I did it. I emailed him, and got a response. It's all good. He's happy with his life, I'm happy with mine and I no longer have this nagging regret haunting me.

I don't know if we'll stay in touch or not, but it's not really as important as the fact that I bothered to contact him and he bothered to answer.

I feel good about this.

[Mathias]

I did it. I emailed him, and got a response. It's all good. He's happy with his life, I'm happy with mine and I no longer have this nagging regret haunting me.

I don't know if we'll stay in touch or not, but it's not really as important as the fact that I bothered to contact him and he bothered to answer.

I feel good about this.

Good! I'm glad you got that out of the way.

[King Zarathu]

Now delete this thread, so I don't look bad for suggesting otherwise.

[Gigabitch]

No, Z, I think generally, that was very good advice. Most of the time, it would be a terrible mistake to do something like this, and I don't think I'd have done it outside of this specific circumstance. I appreciate very much what you had to say.

[King Zarathu]

K, I feel better now.