Friends with Benefits

[boopei]

Ok, so I slept with a friend of mine. For me it was a rebound, for him apparently he's been harboring feelings for me for a while. I'd just been dumped 4 months ago, and don't usually do the FWB thing. Although I don't exactly regret the sex, because it was just what I needed.. I do feel badly that because I realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for him, and I cut it off. Now, he's kind of acting like a wounded puppy dog. I'm sure not 17 anymore, so having a 30 something year old man act like a boy, is rather unsettling. After all the talking (100% honesty about everything right from the start), I had told him, I wasn't sure what I wanted (except for the sex of course), and he had said that he was fine with whatever I decided. Obviously he was just trying to convince himself of that I think.

He's a very kind guy, but he's not for me. He doesn't have a job he likes, doesn't have a car, is overweight and would rather complain about it than do something, etc, etc. (I'm overweight but have lost 40 lbs from trying at least). The excuses to not improve himself, and negativity drives me crazy! And I've told him that, like I said.. 100% honesty all the way. We'd been friends for almost a year but lately the only time he's happy is when he knows he's coming over to hang out with me.. for one reason or the other. I don't like that kind of pressure that someones happiness seems to depend on me. I feel guilty as hell for cutting off the sex, but I hope to stay friends with him even though it'll never be the same with us, or at least not for a long time.

What do you guys think about Friends with Benefits... good idea, bad idea, for yourselves I mean?

I think this might even out later.. I mean the sex was great, and he helped me realize who I was again, I just don't know if its worth the emotional/psychological turmoil.. I just wouldn't advise it if you know either you or the other person has ANY sort of deep rooted feelings for the other, but it seems to make the clingy factor go through the roof.. its a terrible feeling. ugh.

[nerdy_guy]

Bad idea. Always a bad idea. People get hurt, friendships become bitter and eventually lost.

[kitkitkitty]

you've slept with him once and it's already caused some small problems. imagine what would happen if you did it once, twice, three times more?

[Jinxx]

you've slept with him once and it's already caused some small problems. imagine what would happen if you did it once, twice, three times more?

Sounds good to me ...

[dewilliams2]

Well you sound like a user to me...the guy helped you rediscover yourself and the sex is great but you want nothing of him but more sex?...user. You already know the guy has feelings for you...it'd be wrong for you to continue it and let him become more attached.

FWB can work...but as long as both parties have no feelings for each other and just wanta get their rocks off.

[boopei]

I'm not a user at all. After we slept together was when he told me he had feelings for me. And if I'm a user so is he, because all the while he tried to hide the fact that he cared about me, because he wanted the sex too. So bad situation all around. Good life lesson to not do that again for sure. Just for the record, I never initiated the sex... I was just too weak willed at the time to say no because of self-esteem issues, which is wrong, but that's how it was.

IMHO, I made the same mistake a lot of people do on a rebound. Hurt, confused and lonely, someone shows you attention and you go for it. Was it right, hell no. But its done. I was talking to him again today. It'll probably take a while, but I think we'll at least be able to have a friendship in time.

[kitkitkitty]

yep like you say, lesson learnt. just don't put yourself in the same situation for a long long time, by which time you'll be a lot stronger-willed.

[IndiReloaded]

In this case, I think its a bad idea to continue since it seems he's carrying a torch for you. Friends with benefits should be renamed NSA sex (no strings attached). Your FWB definitely has a big string attached so its a bad idea to go there if you value the friendship. The only thing I have to add is that often its the gal who gets attached and causes problems. Guys seem able to dissociate a bit easier. Not always tho.

[boopei]

In this case, I think its a bad idea to continue since it seems he's carrying a torch for you. Friends with benefits should be renamed NSA sex (no strings attached). Your FWB definitely has a big string attached so its a bad idea to go there if you value the friendship. The only thing I have to add is that often its the gal who gets attached and causes problems. Guys seem able to dissociate a bit easier. Not always tho.

I agree, which is what threw me off completely. I definitely think that FWB should be renamed what you said NSA sex... because if there's even a tiny string attached.. its going to end up with someone getting hurt. Thanks for the awesome feedback!

[Henry123]

He's a very kind guy, but he's not for me. He doesn't have a job he likes, doesn't have a car, is overweight and would rather complain about it than do something, etc, etc. .

Sometimes people feel powerless and or not getting the positive moltivation encouragement that they need. Sometimes they need a good reason to continue to live.

How you can really help your friend (I'm presumming you are really his friend) is to help him find a girl thats really suited for him. It will brighten up his life.

[VincenzoG91]

Friends with benefits is like kids playing street hockey on skate boards without pads. It's all good fun until somebody starts crying.

[elmo1313]

Friends with benefits is good when both have self control and dont have feelings for eachother.. which is not the case :/. Im in a situation where the girl didnt really like me, kept sending me mixed signals, i really liked her although she labelled us as friends with benefits. She comes over, i sleep with her for the first time and now she wants to be more.. which i'm fine with.

Point is, if you're friends with him and dont want to lose that, tell him you want to be JUST friends and pray that he understands.

[originalsince85]

FWB is not a good idea unless you really are JUST friends. if either of the parties involves has any sort of feelings for the other then its a big no-no because people will wound up getting hurt whether people mean to or not.

[boopei]

I'm sticking with the no more intimate encounters because I don't want to ruin the friendship, but holy crap. He spent ALL day talking to me, trying to convince me of how logical it was for us to sleep together again. We're both single, he knows there will be nothing more, etc, etc. I kept trying to tell him, your talking about logic, but no matter how much you pretend.. you really do have feelings, and I don't want to be the one to hurt them.

I dunno if I'm just THAT good, or he's just THAT desperate.. maybe its both.. lol who knows. I went with what someone suggested.. "lets try to find someone who is compatible".. that didn't work, because he's given up on the "variety" in the town. Oh well, I'm sticking with what I said, no more sex, because I just want to be best buddies again. Could be interesting to see what else he says... LOL