No Birthday Sex/Not Enough Sex

[boognish459]

Hello, I am 23 years old and my girlfriend is 22. We are both college students and have been together almost a year. I am very much in love with her and always have a wonderful time. When we fight it can be bad and we have a bad argument at least once a week. We spend almost every night together and mostly ever day. Since we started dating sex has been less and less until we are having it barley once a week.. sometimes two. I do not feel satisfied with this. I feel that we are young and we need to be having more intercourse. I try to be romantic, I try to be sexy. I take my girl out all the time and get her gifts more then we have sex. Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. Instead of lying in bed all day as I had planned on doing for months on my birthday this year, I bought tickets to a Mardi Gras Ball because my girlfriend has been wanting to go to one for a long time. I spent a lot of money on tickets, tuxedo rental, and on the night in general. My girlfriend did not even have me a present, she said she still had to order me something off the internet... not even a birthday card. I highlighted how important birthday sex was for me earlier on in the day and she assured me that it was going to go down when we returned home from the ball. My night was pretty much all based on her decisions and following her around to the bars she wanted to go to after the ball. I had no problems with this as I wanted to be sweet and insure that I got lucky. When we got home she was hostile to my attempts to be intimate and shot me down. We stayed the night at her Moms and she said she was scared of getting caught... This morning her mom left for work and my girlfriend will still not give me the birthday sex i missed out on last night (like i missed out on a gift). I feel like I am more upset then i should be about this... Like I said I am very much in love with her but I am starting to worry because I am defiantly not satisfied sexually in the relationship and it starting to cause me stress. "Is she starting to be unattracted to me, am i not doing something right, is she just using me" are some of the things running through my head. I have talked to her about the problem and have started taking her out more and being more romantic like she requested and it has helped none. Sometimes i also wonder if i would be happier with someone with a higher sex drive and this scares me too because i know this is the girl i want to be with.

[girl68]

Well first stop treating her like a hooker, buying her all these things so you'll get laid.

Second talk about it. Tell her that your efforts are so that she'll feel loved and your hope is that when she feels loved you will get to be intimate. Then ask her what makes her feel most loved. Then tell her that you feel loved when you're intimate. See where that conversation takes you.

[Regnent]

Ok, seriously, if a guys gets his lady something, and wants sex in return, he's not treating her like a hooker.
She may -feel- like she's being treated as a hooker, but that's -her- perception.

Women are just as guilty as men when it comes to give/expect. Wether it's putting out, or being nice or whatever.

But when we make efforts to get in your pants, and happens to involve buying something, holy damn, you're a hooker.

A hooker is far more reliable when it comes to 'paying' for sex. Probably cheaper in some cases too.

[SelflessnHumble]

Here's the facts: A relationship is something that 2 independent people want or join into because they like that other person:

-for who they are and what they are
-and because they meet the expectations you have already predetermined to be requisites to be with them in the first place, make sense?

Since we all know: life is change...PEOPLE themselves change. This isn't so much based on them lying to you as it is: a lack of getting to know them better.

Instead of focusing on the relationship: you had an expectation to get sex because:

THIS is what you feel a girlfriend gives up on her BF's B-day (in your mind) -Wrong-
You allowed her to control the date at the ball. <-------------Your choice. You didn't step up, and she didn't ask you for your opinion.
Your reason for this? Sex. <-----------Weak excuse.

What's even worse dude: is the fact you were treating this issue of "getting sex" like some mandatory requirement which takes the spontaneity and romance out
of making love. You were all like, "I better be gettin some pussy or else!" Next time you can think that to yourself. Not broadcast it treating her like a whore.

(I bought these tickets, I better get laid) I think she picked up on it.

She was more than likely hostile due to your behavior.
Fact is: you argue once a week. Why? It sounds like the both of you are incompatible with one another.

If she doesn't have the regular issues most women seem to have when they withhold sex within a healthy/normal relationship something is wrong.
She's either cheating on you, or talking to someone else or? She's sick and tired of your bullshit.

I can tell you you would be much happier with another girl: who affirms her love for you better than this one ever could.

[SelflessnHumble]

Ok, seriously, if a guys gets his lady something, and wants sex in return, he's not treating her like a hooker.

I ask you this:

If a guy buys something that costs his hard earned money...
And he *wants* sex in return (which is bullshit because we both know he is EXPECTING sex in return)

Why then does the guy who gets turned down for sex: feel rejected, upset or flat out pissed off because
he spent all of this money on her?

[Kaius]

My lady told me last night that women get extra horny towards their man when:
1. They are happy and in love.
2. They are not stressed
3. They feel loved and appreciated.
4. They appreciate their man.
5. They feel secure about their man.

Lately, asides from some external stress, my woman has been very happy about our relationship. I could not get her off of me this past weekend. I went to bed last night at 10pm, and by 11:30pm, she was on top of me riding me like there was no tomorrow. I didn't expect it, and was actually half-asleep. So this is what I learned.

[girl68]

Ok, seriously, if a guys gets his lady something, and wants sex in return, he's not treating her like a hooker.

When he buys her shit all the time, yeah I'd beg to differ. A gift here and there, sure- that's special and nice. But buying her gifts all the time so that he can get laid. Umm yeah... he's treating her like a hooker/ call girl or whatever. "I get her gifts, then we have sex" <--- his words, not mine.

[Regnent]

I ask you this:

If a guy buys something that costs his hard earned money...
And he *wants* sex in return (which is bullshit because we both know he is EXPECTING sex in return)

Why then does the guy who gets turned down for sex: feel rejected, upset or flat out pissed off because
he spent all of this money on her?

Same reason I would feel rejected, upset, or flat out pissed off because I spent time, or effort and felt it was refused/unappreciated.
It's because my feelings are hurt, and because I wasted something.

It doesn't matter what it is, I expect things from my life. I expect to get paid for work. I expect my children to behave. I expect the van to start. I expect the bylaw officer in town will harrass me about things like long term parked vehicles.
Sex, intimacy, whatever, is no different. You invest in something, you -expect- a return. I invest in something when I expect a return.
And your damn right, it's selfish. I have every right to do things to meet my needs, and my wants. Selfish or not, it's still a reasonable expectation.
It's not like I expect my wife to just put out. It's not reasonable, or fair.
Just like most women -expect- a man to make effort at pleasing them, as well as themselves.

If I go and toss a woman down, do my business, and leave, chances are she's going to feel used. Why? Because sex is a commodity. It didn't cost her anything other than her body, and a few moments of her time, plus a risk of getting pregnant. But she didn't get anything from it.

Sometimes, I'm investing to get laid, sometimes, I'm just being giving. But when regular investments turn up fruitless, it begins to feel very negative.

We're not supposed to expect sex, but we're -expected- to be faithful.
I don't know how other people do their math, but that's not equal, or fair in my books.

As long as something is expected of me, I will expect things in return.

[Regnent]

My lady told me last night that women get extra horny towards their man when:
1. They are happy and in love.
2. They are not stressed
3. They feel loved and appreciated.
4. They appreciate their man.
5. They feel secure about their man.

Which I'm sure is very effective when both partners are making efforts to ensure those aspects are all met.
Regardless, those are very dependent on how a women both feels, and -chooses- to feel about their life. A guy can do everything in their power to try to -make- their woman feel that way, but the end result is completely reliant on how the woman perceives the relationship.

[Regnent]

When he buys her shit all the time, yeah I'd beg to differ. A gift here and there, sure- that's special and nice. But buying her gifts all the time so that he can get laid. Umm yeah... he's treating her like a hooker/ call girl or whatever. "I get her gifts, then we have sex" <--- his words, not mine.

Granted, in his case, I think it's more about ranking 'stuff' higher than thought or effort. Still doesn't mean he's -treating- her like a hooker.
If all things were equal, it's no different than saying 'I listen to how she had a hard day, and supported her, then we have sex'.
The problem isn't always 'he's treating her like a hooker', but that sometimes people don't provide the -right- thing.
Some women would drop their pants over being made a special dinner.
Maybe others would over a back rub.
Another might jump you for changing the sheets on the bed.

So, whether it's gifts, attention, support, or maybe even just a hot bod, is there something inherently -wrong- with actively trying to get laid by your partner?
Just because it's the wrong -thing- you might be using to try to open her pants, doesn't mean we're trying to buy sex. We do try to earn it you know.

[boognish459]

I am not saying that I expect sex from her because I spend money on her... I am just saying that I do a lot of things for her to show that I do take care of her, I bend over backwards to make sure this girl feels like a queen and is always happy. And yes she is a lot happier when I pick up the tabs and bring her home sweet little things... I think that I should be getting laid more because we are both so young.. she seems to enjoy the sex and has orgasms regularly... why is she not putting out? When I try and get rejected... i feel... REJECTED and i get upset and she can tell which does not help my situation. I have talked to her about it and it has resolved nothing.

[boognish459]

"What's even worse dude: is the fact you were treating this issue of "getting sex" like some mandatory requirement which takes the spontaneity and romance out
of making love. You were all like, "I better be gettin some pussy or else!" Next time you can think that to yourself. Not broadcast it treating her like a whore."

I do not treat her like a whore! I do not think sex is mandatory. I am questioning if something seems wrong because I am doing my part and i feel like we should be having more sex a our age. Im not saying im right, that's what i am trying to figure out. I just kind of feel neglected and rejected sometimes when she turns down perfectly good opportunities to have good sex. You take your girl out to a nice romantic ball and a nice dinner and go do something really sexy and have her turn you down when you get to bed... you will be confused and upset as me.

[SelflessnHumble]

Same reason I would feel rejected, upset, or flat out pissed off because I spent time, or effort and felt it was refused/unappreciated. It's because my feelings are hurt, and because I wasted something.

This doesn't answer the question at all. You're explaining what happened as a result of not getting what you wanted:
-Feelings got hurt and because you wasted something. So, what did you expect? Sex? But not for free. Not
because a girl loves you but because you put a price on her vagina! See that?

As an example: I get sex whenever I want without having to spend a dime.
It's only as a result of my relationship's fruition that we buy each other things. -Not out of an expectation.
But because we want to. For absolutely zero reason.

It doesn't matter what it is, I expect things from my life. I expect to get paid for work. I expect my children to behave. I expect the van to start. I expect the bylaw officer in town will harrass me about things like long term parked vehicles.

Poor analogy here.

Your labor is your private property. Sure, you can choose to work hard for nothing (volunteer work) but this
too precludes the reasoning you've mentioned in this thread because doing what you love to do supersedes
what a person who has expectations yields. Of course we need to survive. Your Van may one day not start.
Despite your expectation: it can fail. Your children *because they are children* will not listen to you 100% of the time.
Expectations fail. This is why: relationships fail.

Sex, intimacy, whatever, is no different. You invest in something, you -expect- a return. I invest in something when I expect a return.

This, while your right to feel is just so wrong- in my experience and opinion.
I don't invest in anything and I always get what I want -when I want it. BUT, in the event that I don't?
I have so much more to focus on other than something so trivial as "sex" I don't need to get butthurt nor
blue balls. When My girl is on her period, she doesn't say, "sorry" and turn off the lights. There's more to life than
intercourse.

And your damn right, it's selfish. I have every right to do things to meet my needs, and my wants. Selfish or not, it's still a reasonable expectation.
It's not like I expect my wife to just put out. It's not reasonable, or fair.
Just like most women -expect- a man to make effort at pleasing them, as well as themselves.

It's a reasonable expectation to you. Not everyone else. This to me is a worldly want.
I don't expect my woman to put out. She just does because of a combination of what I do/how she feels for me.
I've never been refused and I don't put a $ amount on her body.

It's not that most women expect a man to make an effort to please them.
It is incumbent as YOU: a sentient being to be respectful and loving in a relationship.

See, you can be lazy. She'll just say "F this shit" and find someone who matches what she wants.

If I go and toss a woman down, do my business, and leave, chances are she's going to feel used. Why? Because sex is a commodity. It didn't cost her anything other than her body, and a few moments of her time, plus a risk of getting pregnant. But she didn't get anything from it.

If this is how you feel? You've got A LOT to learn about women dude.

Sometimes, I'm investing to get laid, sometimes, I'm just being giving. But when regular investments turn up fruitless, it begins to feel very negative.

Ego, jealousy, and expectations do this.

We're not supposed to expect sex, but we're -expected- to be faithful.
I don't know how other people do their math, but that's not equal, or fair in my books.

Sex is a natural occurring act that exemplifies a healthy relationship.
If there is no sex: screw the expectation for just a second and ask yourself WHY that is?
It is choice PERIOD. She chooses not to have sex with him. He chooses to stay.

Leaving a woman who fails to affirm her love for her man isn't an expectation that isn't being met.
I don't expect my woman to love horror movies and I don't dump her because she'd rather watch the notebook or the lakehouse or some other mushy shitty movie like that. I respect the fact she likes sappy movies and move forward.

If a woman chooses not to be sexual with me? Fine.
She has her reasons and her choice for doing so.
What I would do is sit down and address the issue and get to the root of the issue.
Then if it is decided that we're just too different in that I love sex more than she does? Cool.

It doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life without sex just to please HER.
It's about me too.

[Regnent]

This doesn't answer the question at all. You're explaining what happened as a result of not getting what you wanted:
-Feelings got hurt and because you wasted something. So, what did you expect? Sex? But not for free. Not
because a girl loves you but because you put a price on her vagina! See that?

I didn't plop a price tag on it, she did. Many women do.
You don't make sure she gets off too? So she stops putting out, hey, she just put a price on it. Whether it's pleasure, money, intimacy, foreplay, flowers, love notes, what ever it is, if you don't pay it, you're got getting it.
There's a few issues;
Not every woman shows (or indicates) what the price is.
Not every man can read the tag.
Demand is often higher than the supply. Though this can go both ways, for a man or a woman. Women just seem more... firm.
I've seem woman ticked off because they 'had' to have sex, but I've met very few men who feel angry they 'had' to put out. Although, it honestly could be due to the odds of it happening in reverse.

As an example: I get sex whenever I want without having to spend a dime.
It's only as a result of my relationship's fruition that we buy each other things. -Not out of an expectation.
But because we want to. For absolutely zero reason.

And I congradulate you on your success.
From your previous posts, I gather you don't bother with 'problem' sex drives? (Not being insulting, just commenting.)

Poor analogy here.

Your labor is your private property. Sure, you can choose to work hard for nothing (volunteer work) but this
too precludes the reasoning you've mentioned in this thread because doing what you love to do supersedes
what a person who has expectations yields. Of course we need to survive. Your Van may one day not start.
Despite your expectation: it can fail. Your children *because they are children* will not listen to you 100% of the time.
Expectations fail. This is why: relationships fail.

It's not a poor analogy.
My labor is my private property, just as a womans body is hers.
I work for money, I work for pleasure, and I work for duty.
Anything I 'pay' is handled the same way. Labor, money, time, even emotions.
Some is done because you are 'earning' something, some is done because you -want- to, and some is done because you are required to.
Only one of those expenditures has no return expectations.
If for whatever reason, the remaining two are failing to meet expectations, you feel a deficit.
If spend money to 'earn' a car, you spend money to enjoy a moviel, and you spend money to feed yourself. A failure in the car, or the food results in a far greater 'loss' than a failure in the movie.
This works even with emotions. You 'earn' a love (open up, expose yourself, trust), you enjoy a movie (made you feel good), or you manage your anger in a stressfull situation. Same transactions, same choices, same results. Just different commodities.
When I work, I'm expecting pay, I'm expected to work, and the end result is; I feel good about making my expected paycheck, my boss feels good about the expected work being done.
If the pay, or work is out of balance, one side feels used.

Your Van may one day not start.
Despite your expectation: it can fail. Your children *because they are children* will not listen to you 100% of the time.
Expectations fail. This is why: relationships fail.

And sorry, but your reasoning is flawed.
While children being children may result in failed expectations, it does not have to result in a failed child, or parents.
Ditto for the van. If it fails to meet my expectations, I do some math, and decide to fix it, or replace it.
Relationships do not fail because of expectations, they fail because expectations -cannot- be met. (Cannot be fixed, or compromised on)

This, while your right to feel is just so wrong- in my experience and opinion.
I don't invest in anything and I always get what I want -when I want it. BUT, in the event that I don't?
I have so much more to focus on other than something so trivial as "sex" I don't need to get butthurt nor
blue balls. When My girl is on her period, she doesn't say, "sorry" and turn off the lights. There's more to life than
intercourse.

Of course there's more to life than intercourse.
Pick something you enjoy. Then make it hard, or unreasonable to get. It will bother you. Period.
Like pizza? What if you could only get them for $200? Good books? What if you could only get the first half. Satisfied having a full stomach? Hm, you only get a PB&J and a apple a day.
We all have things that we value more than others. We often have multiple sources of 'income' to meet our needs (like you say, sex isn't everything), in case one fails, or fails to provide adequately.
Some things only have limited sources of income, some are limited by choice, some are limited by supply.
I -highly- doubt you would be fine with a sexless relationship if you desired your partner.

It's a reasonable expectation to you. Not everyone else. This to me is a worldly want.
I don't expect my woman to put out. She just does because of a combination of what I do/how she feels for me.
I've never been refused and I don't put a $ amount on her body.

You see it as a worldly want because you are getting what you want.
Tell me, honestly, how you would feel if you were in the same relationship, did the exact same things as you do now, but you're almost always refused.

It's not that most women expect a man to make an effort to please them.
It is incumbent as YOU: a sentient being to be respectful and loving in a relationship.

So, if I'm doing a $20/h job, and I treat it as a $20/h job, but I'm only paid $5/h, you'd say quit, or get a raise.
If a woman expects it, and you do it because you want to, it should work out. That's the logic. But just like wages, it's not always a fair transaction.
While peoples needs and wants aren't quite as simple as simple numbers, the same principles apply. If I'm paid $20/h to do a $20/h job, but I'm doing $25/h worth of work because I choose to, it may well not be worth quiting over, but you are looking for a bit more.

If this is how you feel? You've got A LOT to learn about women dude.

.. what? Well damnit, if that's the case, you're right, I've been doing this wrong all along.
I guess I should just start tossing women down and having my way.

Ego, jealousy, and expectations do this.

Really? Gimme $100 bucks, and I might give it back then.

If a woman chooses not to be sexual with me? Fine.
She has her reasons and her choice for doing so.
What I would do is sit down and address the issue and get to the root of the issue.
Then if it is decided that we're just too different in that I love sex more than she does? Cool.

It doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life without sex just to please HER.
It's about me too.

Right....
So, your expectations dictate what you will and won't do. Be it sex, or money, but not movies.
The only difference is that you won't invest into a sexually lacking relationship, or will cut your losses and move on, while some of us will continue to work at it.

You already apply the logic I've pointed out. So I don't know, maybe some of us are just too 'stupid' to cut our losses and fine fairer game?

[girl68]

She simply doesn't want to. The desire or drive isn't at the level you want or expect. Sometimes it's as simple as that. If you think you've tried everything to get her in the mood, then you simply ask can I deal with this amout of sex forever? If you can't you leave, there's no 2 ways around it.