Yet another lonely guy - 100 ways not to get a girlfriend

[mylifeis4love]

I'm having trouble projecting myself for making new friends who could be a potential lover. Despite being good in lot of things, I have never been a bully in my life, thus never had the alpha male status.

I'm 5'4 and I was overweight until very recently. After having seen one of my crushes get married and other one go out with my friend, I decided for a makeover. I started going to swim every day and I ordered nutrisystem. I was successful in losing the extra weight. I have also been successful in gaining an inch in height (I ordered another product for that.).

Also, I paid 1800 dollars for a dating service back in Feb hoping to find some luck. Unfortunately, few girls existed in my area. Lot of girls of my age group happened to be in Salt Lake City, UT, and Omaha, NE and they were not interested in long-distance relationships. Also, unfortunately, the service has a no-refund contract, so the money went down the drains. I put a hold on the account hoping that it'll be useful in the future. I have another 6 months of it left.

As a sidetrack, I also started going out to nightclubs. Usually I dance very well and one of two things happen:
- Either a few girls dance with me or
- None of the girls dance with me
But, either way I never get a chance to introduce myself to the girl. It's like either I'm just a dancing machine or a dumb guy.

Recently I read a few books on picking up girls - including - the mystery method, the Game etc. It gave a very elaborate strategy on attracting girls and providing them an opportunity to love you. I still am too shy to try any of the methods - I'm having trouble deciding where to start. The concept was that girls like guys who already know lot of girls.

After a lot of thought, I opened a facebook account and started adding girls as friends who share my interests and who I'm possibly interested in. I put my best face forward with my photos and I was lucky to be accepted by around 50 girls as online friend. But unfortunately, I also added a few girls from nightclub. They accused me of being a creep and reported my account to be disabled. My account lasted for 3 days and I was really motivated by my success. My plan was to post my adventures in my facebook account and keep in touch with girls of my interest. Unfortunately, it backfired even before I could start - here's what happened:

One of the girls said she had to work at Brusters until 5pm
I wanted to comment that I used to go to Brusters all the time, but wanted to be innovative.
She said hers is at Dormont and the crowd is old people unlike her friends' place which has lot of sexy people.
So, I said I was one of the "oldies"
She immediately went into the defensive and accused me of being a creep, reported my account of abuse and additionally commented that I look like a 40 yr old guy. I probably do. I have a few blemishes on my face.

This happened last night. The I went to the club - today was the "dumb guy" night. I didnt care.

The question is - where do i go from here? I have the best possible situation of my life and am still depressed about it.

I'm hoping they'll re-enable the facebook account and I could just keep motivating myself that the crowd is watching my progress and I can get the vibe, but it'll be disabled one day or other. It served its purpose. I need to move on. But what else can I do?

[Mish]

Are you saying that you've never had a girlfriend?

How old are you?

Have you tried online dating?

[mylifeis4love]

No, 27, Yes- no luck

[girl68]

-1800 for one service doesn't count as "online dating"
-creeping on facebook isn't trying, it's creeping and it's scary.
-going to clubs by yourself is a lame attempt.

try: actually online dating! and don't pay ANYONE nearly 2000 to hook you up. You might as well get a hooker.

don't facecreep- ever again.

[MVPlaya]

I paid 1800 dollars for a dating service back in Feb hoping to find some luck.

What now? $1800 to be introduced to girls?

Shit if you read The Game and spend money like that, why not shell out for bootcamp?

Also: Don't try to get with girls via Facebook. I have never added anyone I don't know on Facebook, and I don't bother. If girls are interested, they will add you / contact you, and even then this is only if they know you. Trying to game on facebook is a waste of time. Add your friends on Facebook, network with them, stay in touch, etc. Facebook is useful for keeping in touch and letting me know about parties / etc, not for meeting someone.

Understand, by the way, that being a bully, and being 'alpha-male' are completely separate things. And that 'alpha-male' as a term is so overused in the PUA community that it has become idiotic. Your goal is not to become the alpha-male all the time, your goal is to show that you are worth her affection. There are many alpha-males who are not worth any affection, and many 'beta's' who are. Trying to be alpha will just make you look try-hard.

Instead, carry yourself with respect and dignity, and be a good friend to people. I know its a long journey, but if you put effort into it it will lead somewhere good. And don't worry about what one girl thought, everyone has to lose in order to learn how to win.

As for height, I kind of feel for you there. I'm 6'2 so I don't share that problem, but you could do what Neil Strauss does and wear platforms + proper posture, if you've already grown an inch (5'5) you can at least be 5'7 with the right subtle shoes.


If you want to learn PUA game, go for it. I practiced it for a while but its just not really my style, there are a few useful tidbits I still carry around with me, especially openers, although I have my own. The point of learning game though, should not be to supplant your personality with that of Style or Mystery, it should be to take the best of what they have to offer and mix it with what you bring to the table. In the end it should be a synthesis.

[mylifeis4love]

Well thanks for the reply. Here's some additional facts:

Dating service:
I read the books recently, while I joined that service(therelationshipcompany.com) in feb. I had a friend who motivated people to spend high for everything and I got carried away staying with him. Also, background check seemed like a big deal after having met some imposters on a previous dating website (friendorama.com) It didn't work out for me I guess. I'm never good with timing of purchases.

Just the other day I was looking for deals on camera and couldnt find any for a week, and today there was one for 30 bucks..

Facebook:
I know facebook was a dumb idea, and those three days I went into an obsession and I'm glad I was relieved of that misery and I know it could've probably lead me to jail in an extreme case and I'm really glad for not having had to go through that. My initial strategy was to just add friends and not make any personal comments but make myself noticable by being nice. I can see how even a harmless comment could be viewed as a privacy issue when it comes from a person you haven't met.

Height:
Well, height is no longer an issue. I'm not conscious of it any more -that's half the battle I guess. Yes, I have the platform shoes and sometimes I feel tall enough even without them. Thanks for the advice on that.

Race Issue:
I'm prejudiced against based on my race (east indian), and that's a major hurdle which cannot be circumvented in the current timespan - looks like I have to tweak my expectations a bit. - not sure what I can do.

Self Pity:
I think this one's from the past. Old habits never die easy. I was so conscious of my height that I never even mingled with other kids in the college - being fearful of bullying. I deliberately put on weight in order not to be pushed around. It helped me survive, but made me a loner and looks-wise- a freak. By the time I came to the US, I had to mingle with friends to survive. Then weight became an issue. Having not been aware of the options available to improve my appearance, and unable to imagine myself with the girls I like, I started training myself not to act on any interest shown by any girl I meet (the fear lingers even today.) Back then, I taught myself to ignore girls unless necessary for a job function or other business activity. My parents also imbibed this thing on me throughout the childhood. I was the star performer in my first job - no girls - as described above. Second job was not too bad either.

Love Opportunities and My self pity killing me
My friends always gave me good reputation, and I threw it all away due to my self-pity.

2006..
1)Friend of My cousin - She was around 3" taller than me. I had a crush on her and she did show some IOIs. I was so much into the stereotype that I had to be taller than my girl that I never even admitted my attraction to her when my cousin got back to me telling me her friend was interested.

2007...
I used to attend Tennis classes and there was a girl who showed clear signs of interest in me. She was the tallest of the group and I did have a crush on her. But I couldnt accept my reality and never gave a chance to myself..


2008 Aug..
A new girl was added to our team and she is an angel, and did show some interest. I hated myself so much that I never gave her a chance. My friend started seeing her outside of work and then I realized how much I was attracted to her and couldn't hold back no more. I talked to my friend and he said she was interested only in him and welcomed me to try my luck. I was so depressed at the possibility of failure that I still haven't tried - to date.


2008 Nov..
I used to go in early at work and there was a girl who used to show up early too and she showed some signs of interest. I don't even know her name - even today (Yes, I gotta be ashamed of myself). After losing all my weight - in like 6 months - I did manage to say hi to her one day and she "sadly" (yes- I'm serious- sadly) announced to her colleague that she's getting married. I could see her upset over me being too late. Let's assume her name's Taylor Swift for the rest of the discussion (she somewhat looks like her, but of course not that tall).

2009 Mar/Sep..
Then came another girl at work (they're in a different department and we don't get formally introduced unless in the same department.). She looks so much like Jessica Biel. I think I have a crush on her. She's still single from my knowledge. And she did show a few signs of interest and gave me a few opportunities which I screwed up in my self-pity. Once I had to fix a coffee machine she was using, and she totally not ignored me. There were clear IOI and I failed to bring on any move. Taylor Swift-like girl and she are now friends, and initially, Taylor became an obstacle for me. In the last encounter, I acted like a gentleman and did not make any stupid moves like not making eye contact- etc, and she's over being an obstacle and she's nice whenever we see each other. I haven't had another encounter after Sep 15 with Jessica. But I know I screwed it up especially during April, May, June when I was still working on my weight.

2009 Jun..
One of my friend's friend who is in her 30s and single wanted to go on a trip and I accompanied her. She showed clear signs of interest and I was attracted to her too. But this time, I was too picky of her age and didnt make a move.. I think here- the alpha male theory- backfired.

2009 Aug..
One of my buddies (a guy) at the gym offered me a massage and it quickly turned ugly. I managed to get out of there in one piece. But I realized that I am indeed attractive.


Dance Club Screw-ups
Jul 09
I went in with the drink buy-up spree for a bachelorette group. Bought then Tequila, Beer etc. All was well, we danced, took photos. There was a girl in the group who showed genuine interest too. Along came a PUA, started dancing with a few of the girls. Then he bought them a few drinks and bought me too. Then I got so drunk, I lost track of her.. I was so upset over that that I spent the rest of the night at my workplace, puking all over. I cleaned up all of that and am still glad it's all fine. I stopped going to *that* club afterward. I mean, I was thrown out of there that night for being too drunk. I took a break from nightclubbing for a month.

Sep 09
1) I got so drunk that I danced amazingly one day. Two girls joined in on different occasions the same day- first girl was taller than me and got sarged out by a PUA..I managed to introduce myself to her after the dance, but she wasn't interested at that time.
She was at the bus stop sitting on the floor waiting for the car, and all I could manage was say hi and asked if she was okay.. I guess I never had a chance there, but that was some discouragement.

2) Second girl had a tan. I managed to impress her with my dance. She left with her boyfriend that night. The week after that we saw each other again at same place and her boyfriend was ignoring her. She even came closer to me in the dance. I failed to introduce myself.


Sep 19 - last interest
3) I met a girl at the nightclub who danced with me. She was sitting right there looking at me. But I just went past her to dance. I screwed up real big time there.. Other girls started calling me a freak. I danced well that day too, but gave a big dent to my reputation on that day, and got into a depression mode for a couple of weeks.. then watched south park - got better- and then went into that facebook abuse thing.

Ya, I had it going, but I was too indulged in self pity and hurt my chances myself thinking of the stereotype that the man has to be the try-out.. may be that's the mistake I've been making?
Any thoughts?

Thanks very much MVPlaya for the advice.. and thank you too girl68 for sharing your opinion.

[nutkenz]

"I got so drunk that I danced amazingly one day", that's what you think... Trust me, being drunk shows and it's not attractive to girls. Having a few drinks is ok, but girls are creeped out by drunks in general.

[mylifeis4love]

Yesterday I tried the "watch and learn" thing. I've seen a guy dance with a girl and take her out of the dance floor. I think may be that should be the goal. I haven't had any goals in mind when I went to the nightclub in all my previous attempts. That sounds like a decent goal to work towards.

The music was too loud to decipher the conversation but he asked her if she had any friends with her and she brought her friend. And they three danced together. Then he called his friend and the four of them walked out of there.

I can't try it because I don't have any friends who want to go to a nightclub with me. One thing I haven't tried is making friends at the nightclub - which is in the book.

I have a problem making new friends out of my network after my first attempt almost lead to a sexual abuse (in Aug) from the other guy. He was kind enough to leave me alone though.

People started calling me gay and when you are under that kind of attack, you seem gay in both the cases - when u admit it, when u deny it too. May be the only way to fight it is by saying "You're gay". I haven't tried that. Does that help fend off?

Today I met another girl near tennis. We met a couple of times earlier at the classes. She's pretty attractive and I never opened to her. Our instructor let us introduce our names. It so happened that the instructors were on strike today. I badly wanted to play tennis and there were three girls and she was one of them. I suggested "may be we could play somewhere". But it felt like I was hitting on her. We all left. I am not able to execute normal actions in my life if it even remotely leads to a flirt

[BoredGeorge]

I don't know dude I feel the same way I can't see a girl liking me.

I think that because I do not know your situation you should just be more brave about how you deal with girls. Sometimes men are just shy.

[mylifeis4love]

I tried an experiment later in the day with an infant. I know this seems crazy..

- I just looked in the eye and smiled
- got really close to the face and smiled.

I could see my nephew feeling warmer with me. May be it works with girls too?

[Cbrider]

Alpha male complex is retarded. These are the kind of guys that are always trying to start a fight to prove something.

The best part is watching one of them pick a fight and get his shit rolled by a quiet guy who was minding his own business.

[BoredGeorge]

Alpha male complex is retarded. These are the kind of guys that are always trying to start a fight to prove something.

The best part is watching one of them pick a fight and get his shit rolled by a quiet guy who was minding his own business.

Just like in the movies ? Bet he was handsome too. More like a fun loving guy just cracking jokes and enjoying himself and jealous people start fights.

[battlingpig]

find a girl who you think is only slightly attractive, a girl who you wouldnt usually go for, make conversation, practice with her. It will give you confidence for when you find someone you really do like. But dont lead this 'slightly attractive' girl on.

[mylifeis4love]

Doesnt she think I'm playing when I'm practicing?

[mylifeis4love]

Well, looking back, may be I did practice a little. It was on an 80 yr old woman. But probably I should stick to girls of my age who are attractive but don't make me too nervous. Someone who I don't have to see on a regular basis would be good I guess. I'll try it this time..