Sharing our bed

[jess1234]

Hi Guys, I am quite new at this but I am so stuck and dont know where to turn to for help or advice. Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, engaged for 5 and living to gether for 3 and half. When I first met him he didnt want kids (nor did I) and he didnt want marriage (neither did I). When he proposed he said that we will marry when we are ready, which I thought was sweet! We spoke about kids few years ago and we both said not right now but one day we will have a baby.

Now before everyone jumps on me, I am quite a sensible person and reliase that having a baby is a very very big responsibility and they dont stay babies forever! However it was always nice to have that little dream in the back of my mind that one day I will be a mum.

Last few weeks have kinda been unbearable..... I have been really fed up and feel like i have been taking advantage of in an emotional way..... first thing that happened, he wont ever share the bed with me, he works nights i work days, he says its too light in the room but wont let me hang up new dark curtains, also says our bed is too small, and i am like a radiator! So he sleeps in the smaller room, so we are separated. Sex has been far a few between weeks go by and nothing happens. He never comes out places with me because he is shy (even though he will be with me), never wants to mingle with his family let alone mine. He has now informed me that he never wants kids, and doesnt want to get married. So there I am thinking why have I got this ring on my finger for them?!?!?! I have been waiting years to plan my day, get excited, feel like a princess and now he says it only was meant to show that I mean more to him than a girlfriend......................

But yet after all this yes I still love him, even at weekends when i can stay up late he never shares the bed with me. Is it just me or does this sound weird?

There is no partnership, and he blames his family problems on the way he has "turned out" because my family are still very much together and his arent. But I dont look at my family and think thats what i want to be I have my own thoughts on how i believe we should be because every relationship is different. But yet he says I am living in fairy land....

HELP what do i do?

[jess1234]

and yes he suffers with depression but sometimes uses this to guilt trip me in to agreeing with him

[Wakeup]

You have two choices:

1. You accept that this is what life will be with him if you stay and you learn to be independent from him while not getting your sexual wants met. or..
2. You leave him now, heal from the death of the relationship and then you find someone who is more compatible with you.

If you've had an open honest and candid conversation(s) with him on the things you feel are lacking and he has made zero attempts to make you happy, then those are the only two choices that I can see for you. Perhaps others have some other ideas that will help you to remedy your problems. Keep in mind that the only person you have 100% control over is yourself. All you can do is ask him for what you want and if he's not interested in giving you that or at least trying through compromise then you have to have the strength to make the changes that are best for you.

Good luck with it.

[HeartIsAching]

I think Wakeup's got it. I don't see a lot of choices for you.

If you do want kids and he doesn't, this is a boundary issue - it's far too important to leave alone to fester. If you have kids, he'll be resentful... and if you don't, YOU'LL be resentful. It's probably time to go.

As to the bedroom issue - this is actually a valid complaint on his part. It's difficult to sleep at all when you're working 3rd shift. ANY distraction can screw up your sleep. I used to black everything out, turn the ringer of the phone off, and the CLICK from the answering machine switching on would wake me. Another person moving around in bed, cuddling when I'm too hot etc., would've made it damn near impossible to sleep. I understand that it upsets you that he doesn't want to sleep with you in the same bed, though.

The issue about sex is another boundary issue, as far as I'm concerned. If one partner is always feeling neglected, and the other is always feeling pressured, it just leads to strife, and possibly to cheating... never a good thing.

And the marriage part? I'm not prying here, but is there a reason that's important to you? In my opinion, marriage is wrongly regulated by the state, and at most they should only keep the records. I also don't believe it's a religious issue, as lots and lots of people with different religions, or no religion at all get married all the time... so what is marriage? Marriage in my view is a covenant between two people, an agreement and commitment, independent of governmental approval... do you need a document from the state? If you do, that's fine - my wife and did formalize our union, but she was my wife before that.

[vashti]

You do not want the same things, and aren't even sexually compatible. He isn't going to give you what you want: he has already told you so. Is this really all you want for yourself?

[Boisdevie]

Dump him. Or live a life that is really shite.

[oldskool83]

Kinda shitty to be engaged for 5 years in IMO, unless you were super young or somthing. if you can accpet what he wants and be find personal happyness living with him as a g/f fine. if you cant its gonna be a long hard road burning nearly a decade...trust me id know.

[morning light]

marriage would change nothing believe me... even if u get married he will stay the same.. u need just a document with stamp? things become more difficult after this "stamp", so if he would be ready ever (i have doubts) think twice whether u really want him as a husband

[jess1234]

thanks guys, in terms of the marriage thing it must come across like I am begging to get married just to get married. Im 27 years old, and have fallen head over hills in love. I am quite a traditional person, and for years as I was growing up thought marriage was just a piece of paper. Until I met him, things changed and I thought maybe this marriage stuff is suppose to come around when you have found the right person. The way I speak it must come across like he is a butt head but he isnt. Just difficult to tell him exactly what I want without crying like an idiot through all the strains we have faced! He has suffered terrible last few years with depression, and BDD. So everything is a very touchy subject... its even rubbed off on me a little to be fair. Never the less, I still love him. I suppose maybe I am looking for a little comfort in the fact that I am not getting younger, and would like to think that growing older is something to look forward to. Having a future, making plans, none of this has happened for about 18 months. And he being a muscian has some what made me feel like I am on the side lines....We chatted last night about it all. I didnt or couldnt say everything purely because it was like he thought "its hormonal" or "just moaning" arrgghhh

[HeartIsAching]

thanks guys, in terms of the marriage thing it must come across like I am begging to get married just to get married. Im 27 years old, and have fallen head over hills in love. I am quite a traditional person, and for years as I was growing up thought marriage was just a piece of paper. Until I met him, things changed and I thought maybe this marriage stuff is suppose to come around when you have found the right person. The way I speak it must come across like he is a butt head but he isnt. Just difficult to tell him exactly what I want without crying like an idiot through all the strains we have faced! He has suffered terrible last few years with depression, and BDD. So everything is a very touchy subject... its even rubbed off on me a little to be fair. Never the less, I still love him. I suppose maybe I am looking for a little comfort in the fact that I am not getting younger, and would like to think that growing older is something to look forward to. Having a future, making plans, none of this has happened for about 18 months. And he being a muscian has some what made me feel like I am on the side lines....We chatted last night about it all. I didnt or couldnt say everything purely because it was like he thought "its hormonal" or "just moaning" arrgghhh

Trust me young lady, life doesn't end at 30. It doesn't even end at 40. Hell, my wife's closer to 50 than to 40, and we're trying for a baby. Relax.