Her bf broke up with her, how should I approach the situation?

[lifesabitch]

So very long story short, this girl that i've known for almost 2 years now... I liked her from day one but she's been in this rocky relationship with a bf all that time... She had a 1 year relationship prior to meeting me that she has described to me in detail.. So she's been with that guy almost 3 years now but i've kind of been closer with her than he is. He's kind of wishy washy with her, sometimes telling her how he's so in love with her and other times saying he's unsure. So today he calls her and tells her that he's breaking up with her because he wants to date other girls and see what's out there. And that he loves her but is unsure about whether she's the one for him or not.

So I get a call, and she calls me in tears telling me all of that. The conversation lasted for3 hours and she went on and on. She talked about how she loves him and doesn't know how he could do this to her. She said how she's turned down so many guys for him and that he couldn't do the same for her. She said how she never wants to take a chance with a guy again because all guys just hurt you and stuff like that, typical sob story and i took it all in.. The part that bothered me about it was her saying she doesn't know if he's gonna come back this time (meaning he's done it before and she's even STILL wanting to wait for him to date around and come back).

Basically I want to know my next course of action. What should I do? Obviously I cannot make a move right now as she's just getting out of a longterm relationship even though it was a bad one. But how should I approach the coming weeks and months?

[lahnnabell]

Sorry to say it, but you are going to have to hear about this break-up and this guy every day for a while. She will probably ask you for advice on how to get him back, or ask you for a guy's perspective on why her ex decided to do this. And it was a 3-year relationship? Yeah, this one could take a while.

[lifesabitch]

In this conversation I was tiptoeing on eggshells... I told her I understand and she snapped at me and said "don't tell me you understand. this relationship was gonna be 4 years at the end of this year and I didn't do anything wrong. and i made so many sacrifices for him, i did this and that and this and that" and it was like i had just made a bomb explode. and i was like ok ok sorry. i'm not trying to say that i know exactly what you feel, i'm just saying i understand that you're hurting.. and saying that kind of diffused that ticking timebomb.. Then she started saying how she doesn't know if she should wait for him. Then she was saying how they used to do this and that together and going through the details of their history. Then she was saying that while she' s struggling to sleep he's probably in the arms of some other girl happy. And how she doesn't know how she's gonna live without him there and how could he do this to her and this and that. And all throughout I kept my comments really short and neutral to keep her from going off on me again by virtue of being the guy she has there to vent to.

So I don't really know what kind of time frame I can expect... especially considering that dude said he values her and wants to keep her as a good friend (even though he said he wants to see other people)... It seems like the guy wants to date around and come back to her when he gets bored.. and she actually told him that it's ok and she'll wait.. So I don't even know if I should bother to stick around or if i should just bounce.

[lifesabitch]

And to add to that.. She's known that I like her so if I tell her "He's not worth it.. and if he has to date around because he can't see what he has right there in front of him, you shouldn't wait" then she'll probably go off on me and tell me this and that about how he's a great guy and how i probably wanted there relationship to end... so more tiptoeing on eggshells there. This situation is beyond me right now.

[Jas_mine]

You can't just expect to muscle in now that her boyfriend's out of the picture! That is not how it works! She is still madly in love with him, they may even get back together, even if they don't doesn't mean you should think about making a play for her, as far as I can tell you are her shoulder to cry on - if you make a move on her you will end up losing a friend. If she does reciprocate, then remember it's just because she's on the rebound. Just be a friend to her. I can't predict how she will feel about you in the distant future but it's pretty evident how she feels about you presently.

[the_doggoned]

you're in friend zone. that's most likely the way it's going to stay.

no offense, but guys that like a girl and hang around to play "friend" while that girl is in a relationship are pretty ridiculous.

you just stick around and act like you actually want to listen to her problems about her boyfriend. but, in reality you're just waiting for an opening so you can jump in like a hungry vulture...

kind of like you're trying to do right now. in my opinion, go find your own girl and stop preying on girls in relationships and/or vulnerable girls just dealing with breakups.

[lifesabitch]

I don't know where I said anywhere that i've been waiting around.. I tried things out with her early on and then she told me she had a bf so I didn't really take them further. I've been dating other girls and I actually had a gf until February of this year. So no I wasn't a vulture waiting around for her to become single, it's called LIFE, it happens.

[sehvral]

You are definitely in the friend zone. You have no approach right now. Your only option that doesn't end with her pissed at you is to be the shoulder to cry on, be the good friend, and let her decide how things progress. If you make any move too soon, you're done for.

[lifesabitch]

I'm no fool, I know all I can be is a friend right now, but to me, the "friend zone" implies that i'm stuck in a territory that I can't remove myself from other than by leaving. When I first first met her, I pursued her, we went out and everything. We even messed around a little bit. But little did I know that she was still getting over her ex bf (ironically, him) and she didn't tell me that at all. Then shortly after I thought things were starting to take off, he called and begged for her back and she took him back. Then when I told her I want to take it to the next level she started crying and told me sorry she couldn't because she had gotten back with her ex, and told me I should've asked sooner (although it was totally not even my fault. she never uttered a word about her ex to me until he wasn't an ex anymore). So pissed off I completely stopped talking to her for maybe a good month. She kept calling me, saying she loves me and is sorry etc etc... and I didn't want to hear it. Eventually I forgave her and we became friends. Did I hold out a reserve of hope that one day we'd have a chance to be together? Sure. But I didn't stand in one spot trying to snake the dude's girl from him. I went out, I met people, and like I said I even had a gf from last April up until February, almost 10 months. But right now, at least for the moment, things look like they have the potential to change. albeit not quickly I know that, but eventually over the course of a long time. I just don't know how long i'm willing to wait.

[the_doggoned]

if you actually did try and successfully get in beyond the friend zone at this point in time, you'd no doubt be a rebound man and eventually you'd get used up by her.

stop trying to be a "friend" to her. you can't be a friend to her when what she needs is a shoulder to cry on about her newly ex-bf. if your main objective is to date her, you're in essence being deceitful and kind of creepy.

[lifesabitch]

She knows that I like her because i've told her.. So it's not deceitful at all. And as for right now, i'm not "pretending" to be her friend, we are friends. Have been for almost 2 years now, so it wasn't part of some elaborate two year plot to get in her pants.

[lahnnabell]

We know dude. But WHY did you stay friends? Was it originally to be close to her so that you had a shot at dating her? You clearly like the girl otherwise you wouldn' want to date her, and you wouldn't have been friends with her at all. But now you are essentially coming on here to find out how long you have to wait to be her boyfriend. So, yeah, it looks shady.

Just know that it's gonna be a while. If you're gonna be in that much pain waiting around and listening to her stories then give her some space. She needs someone to vent to and listen to her cry without any other ulterior motives. However, this could keep you stuck in the friend zone permanently.

[VincenzoG91]

Don't be surprised if she leans on you for support during the breakup, but then starts dating somebody else and confides in you about the new guy. After going through that a few times, I stopped trying to be friends with women that I would rather date.

[lifesabitch]

Is it seriously a crime to have feelings for somebody who is a friend?

[VincenzoG91]

No, if you want to waste years of your life on unrequited love, it's perfectly legal.