Help with ex-wife. What do I do? Help plz.

[blackiesharley]

I'll try and give the background here in a nutshell. Was together for 12 years, married for 7. Never a fight or cross word. Built a life together, owned a home and businesses. (No kids) One day she sends me an E-card from her office with the Bon Jovi song 'Thank You For Loving Me' attached. I though I was the luckest guy in the world to have such a wonderful wife. Three day's later, out of the blue it was "It's over,' for no apparent reason, except the high-school chickshit ' I love you but I'm not in love with you.'

What could I do? I begged and pleaded to work it out to no avail. I had to accept it, as hard as it was. We sold the house, settled money issues amicabally, shook hands and went our seperate ways. This was 1.5 years ago. We did stay in touch, I started dating again, even had a couple of mini-relationships but nothing to really get excited about.

I choose to move from L.A. after thirty years to Gulf Shores, Alabama. Sounds hick but it's a beachside resort area. Bought a house, finished a two year business project that finally has succesfully come to fruitation (that's she's aware of) and we've kept in touch via email, quite friendy. It seems that the volume of her emails increased when I moved. The emails (on both sides) were becoming a little meloncholy, IE:

Her: 'I still have my moments' or 'I've never been back to our favorite resturant.'

ME: 'I went there twice but left after an hour' or 'I put a swing on the tree in the backyard and thought how much fun it would be to push you in it.'

I felt that the dialouge was getting a bit too heavy (granted it wasn't 'I love you and miss you' on either of our parts but it was easy to read between the lines.) I lighted up on communication. Too much pain and grief to ever consider going back with her.

Then the hurricaine hit and she was in a panic to get ahold of me. My cell phone was out as the towers were down but the voice mail still worked. (She doesn't have my home number) DSL was down too but my ISP still accepted emails. Yesterday she even wrote the web-mistress of my business site (her email is listed there as 'design by...') to have her contact me.

I know exactly what happened. Sunday night she went to see our favorite singer (Robert Plant, the Led Zeppelin guy) in concert at the Greek Theater in Hollywood. We never missed one of his shows and attended other concerts at the very romantic outdoor venue. She was initally attracted to me because I look very much like Plant, it was a running joke throughout all the years, especially when people would ask me for autographs. The memories must have flooded back.

She's a good person with a big heart, just screwed up a bit. For the record, there was never a drug or excessive alcohol problem on either side, and certianly not cheating. I still don't know after all this time what went wrong.

She sent me two emails yesterday, I haven't had the guts to read them yet. I don't want to be cruel and ignore her, but I don't want to open an emotional can of worms on either side. Part of me thinks just write her a brief note saying, 'I'm OK hope you are as well' and the other part of me wants to open up and tell her that I still have feelings. If SHE ever breached the subject of a reconcilation, I don't think I'd go back to her but I WOULD listen.

What would you do in my shoes? What kinda email should I write her? I have to write something today, otherwise I'm being cruel.

[inkeepingsecret]

This is really a delicate situation, with her being your ex-wife and all. Its clear she cares about you, and maybe she just wants to make sure you are ok? It looks like you havent moved on. I mean, its kind of tough to when you still are in communication with her.

I say, try not to beat yourself more than you have to. Get it over with; read the e-mails; reply accordingly. I think you might be hoping for something that probably wont be there. If this continues to beat you up, tell her, or cut her loose, completely.

This is sad man, especially when there is no apparent reason why she left.

[misombra]

blackie...if you're not into reconcilation, then i'd probably not spill your guts out, because it might give her some false hope. or if you do be clear that you have no intentions of getting with her again. but it does sound like she misses you and probably wants to get back together. people think they're not in love with somebody after a while because they're so used to the other person being there and it's not exciting anymore, you know? but then once you're gone they're minds start going and going. anyway, i hope this all works out for you.

[whaywardj]

Even assuming your presumptions are correct, I don't see anything in her communiques as you've described them that suggests anything beyond simple concern.

[Tone]

Read the e-mails... just keep an open mind. If she doesn't mention anything - don't bring anything up...

Life is too short, people make mistakes... if she does want to get back together, keep an open mind about it. Just be thankful you aren't in the situation other people are... when their ex wants to get back together but both of them are currently married with seperate kids... now THAT is a mess.

I would definately read the e-mails... and just have an open mind. Life is too short. Make the most of the time you have.

[blackiesharley]

Now I guess she called my Brother and he gave her my home number. She left a message here. I'll phone her tonight and play it by ear.

Like Tone said, life is too short. Too short to put up with bullshit but too short to throw away what was esentially a good marriage too.

It would be easier if I knew what I wanted....

I'll keep ya posted.

[MrDrum]

First... I would bet money that the "reason" it ended the first time, was because of another man. It is the only thing that makes sense. If the relationship was good, no real big issues, normally a woman will not leave unless there is somebody else to leave to..

Second, I would do what you yourself has suggested, just write and say "everything is ok.. im fine, I hope you are well". I would move on amigo.

[blackiesharley]

First... I would bet money that the "reason" it ended the first time, was because of another man. It is the only thing that makes sense. If the relationship was good, no real big issues, normally a woman will not leave unless there is somebody else to leave to..

Second, I would do what you yourself has suggested, just write and say "everything is ok.. im fine, I hope you are well". I would move on amigo.

The other man theory is very logical and I'd be the first to suspect it under different circumstances, but that wasn't the problem in this case. I knew where she was 24/7. She was either at her office or at home. There wasn't so much as an hour a month that I didn't know exactly where she was. Not that I was checking up on her at all, don't get the wrong idea, but she would call me throughout the day for whatever reasons, I would return her calls to her office (not cell) phone and she'd always pick up. If she went shopping on weekends, it would only be for a little while and she'd come home loaded with sacks.

Long story, but she got WAY into studying some real kooky religions that might have had something to do with it. But who cares at this point?

I did write her a friendly but nothing sappy email last night. Short and to the point. I have tried to move on and will continue to of course, but sometimes it's a little hard after twelve years, in other words, I occassionally still have 'my moments.' Guess it's normal.

[Jsnowman]

Blackie,
It's totally normal. 12 years is a long time. Everyone brings up a good point about how life is short and you have to make the most of it. I agree. In addition to that thought, I think that life is short and you must constantly strive to make yourself happy and to be happy at all costs. My ex left me five months ago but it's only been a few weeks now that I've finally decided to let go and to find things in life that will make me happy.

I wasn't married but it felt like it sometimes. She gave me the same reason, for the most part, as your ex did. "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I still don't know what that means but I'm fairly certain that it was not another guy. Either way it does not matter anymore. My ex calls from time to time and I answer. We chat for half hour to an hour and that's it. I answer accordingly but do not open up anymore for I tired in the past.

I think you should test the water now that it's been quite some time since you both parted ways. Life is full of risks and it is important to take those risks for the potential reward of being happier then you are now. It's obvious you still care and have feelings so it is worth the short term pain you may feel if nothing comes out of it.

Final thought though. If you get no reciprocation, then it may be necessary for her to stop contacting you and let you fully move on. I'm to that point with my ex. I don't think anything will come out of this for me so I need time to move on and then perhaps we can pick up the communication down the road.
Good luck, keep us posted.

[blackiesharley]

Blackie,
She gave me the same reason, for the most part, as your ex did. "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I still don't know what that means.

The 'I love you but I'm not IN love with you ' is the worst chicken-shit excuse anybody can give for breaking up. It's just a cop-out.

Doe's anyone really believe that the romantic euphoria that occurs when two people first meet and in the earlier stages of a relationship can last forever? Of course it cannot, things 'settle in.' Not that that's bad, we can strive to make every day like the first date, (no matter how long people have been together), but it's humanly impossible.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I know what you're going through all too well. What I've found is that every day got a little bit better. I was told that I started dating too soon after the break-up, and although nothing spectacular came of it, in retrospect I'm glad I did. Beats sitting at home moping and is a lot more fun than the cliche advice 'Join a club, get a hobby, see your friends, work on yourself,' at least for me.

Good luck. Someday we'll look back at this and wonder what all the fuss was about.

[Tone]

Did you ever read the e-mails she sent you?

[inkeepingsecret]

Did you ever read the e-mails she sent you?

yeah, what he said

you know he did

[Tone]

I don't know how you couldn't..

[MrDrum]

The 'I love you but I'm not IN love with you ' is the worst chicken-shit excuse anybody can give for breaking up. It's just a cop-out.
.

I don't think so. If a relationship has been going on for a while, and eventually you get to the point where you are no longer in love with the other person, and can see yourself happy without them... then its sometimes time to move on. That doesn't mean you don't love the person... but "love" and "in love" are two COMPLETELY different things... Therefor you can love somebody, but be nowhere near "in love with" them. Hence, time to move on.

What it means, is they are no longer interested in you romantically.

[whaywardj]

What it means, is they are no longer interested in you romantically.

That's only half the equation. The other half is loving someone romantically without being lost in the glow of being 'in love' with them.