I'm so afraid 😖

[Bbcolz]

Whenever I like someone I always become friends with benefits with them and then It ends always him finding someone else. Always! I'm too afraid to date someone because I don't wanna I don't know maybe not be good enough, or we break up and me not being able to handle it or being cheated on- all sorts of scenarios. I feel I'll be single my whole life....And yes I know I'm being overdramatic but hey I'm a teenager so I earn the right to be dumb. But still how do I get over my fear and let ease?

[DalM0m]

You're not overly dramatic for a teenager. Everything IS a crisis at that age. Anybody on the other side of it has been there.

Yes, at some point in your life if you enter into a relationship you will get dumped & it will hurt. That is a fact of life, like death & taxes. It's no reason not to try. People survive this. Just like they survive the death of a loved one.

Stop selling yourself short. Talk to a guidance counselor at school & start reading some books -- yes actual books -- about improving your self esteem. As you believe in yourself more, you will have more inner strength to take appropriate risks.

[Bbcolz]

DalM0n: talk to my guidance counselor? Yeah not doing that but the reading books part I can do.

[smackie09]

It's all about making better choices. If all they will offer you is FWB, you ditch them. Be more up front with your expectations. And I can't stress this enough...you must have confidence in yourself. If they see you as vulnerable, broken, insecure or clingy, they will take advantage of that and use you. It might seem that a particular guy is way too good to give up, that right there is all the reason to stop and go no further. Remember a guy has to EARN your attention, your time, your love by proving you have worth/value to him. If you are constantly chasing or they are only interested in dragging you into bed, he's not BF material. It's old skool ways but to get any kind of respect from guys, is to keep your legs closed until the earn it. Never think that giving it up will make them like you. That's not how it works with guys. Sex to them is a free offering and they will do and say anything, and lie to get in yer pants. Sex is just sex....there ain't no rainbows, fairies or unicorns dancing in their mind.

[Bbcolz]

smackie09: With none of the guys I've "talked to" have I had sex with. I more or less have the clean version of FWB like hugging, kissing, giving hickies and grabbing. But I shouldn't be doing that either.

[smackie09]

A true suitor will take you out on dates...even as a teen guys did take me out to dinners and stuff. They wanted to impress me because I had value to them. All those other ones I just fooled around with at the park or at parties were not interested in me as a person. I get it, you, like myself, like the flirtation and kissing and stuff.....it's fun, but if you want more than that, you need to slow it down, and see if they will earn all that passion. It's all hormones at this point. There will be someone that truly is interested in being your BF someday.

What I did was never bothered with guys from my area or my school. I went and hung out with my peeps in other towns/cities and met boys that way. Just a bus ride away.

[Bbcolz]

smackie09: your right. Thanks! But when do I know is the right time to date someone and become intimate?

- - - Updated - - -

Smackie09: smackie09: your right. Thanks! But when do I know is the right time to date someone and become intimate

[DalM0m]

You become intimate after several MONTHS of dating when you have talked, gotten to know each other, have learned enough about each other to realize you have shared values. It's way more then hormones.

By talk to your guidance counselor, I meant find a learned adult who may be able to steer you toward some of the better self esteem books out there.

[bulrush]

- First, stop that negative voice in your head. This is the main thing that is poisoning your mind. Often it's our own voices in our head that are the hardest on us.
- Second, if you want something more, you have to ask for that. Men will not date girls if they don't show clear interest or if they don't know what they want. And flirting is not necessarily clear interest. You have to say words like "I would like to date you more" or "I would like us to date exclusively. What do you think?" Since men do 99% of the work in dating they will not wait around for a girl who doesn't know what she wants.
- If you don't have enough confidence, you won't get LTR.
- Communication is the foundation of a relationship. If you don't communicate clearly, you won't get a relationship.

[lovebroken]

I can tell by your post you are tired of this routine with guys you like and you want more. Now you recognize you want and need more for yourself could be the extra push you need to take a leap and not be an FWB but just be a real girlfriend to someone and risk a heartbreak because you know you deserve real love.

[TheEvilJester]

I will say this... I think it is good that you have that voice in your head that reminds you that you are just a human being yourself. That you are not God's gift to the world like some people seem to think they are. The thing is... your voice went too much to the other extreme and you seem to think you aren't worthy of other people. Believe me, I know how that feels. That's how all my voices treated me for the vast majority of my life. ...Well, except the one that just constantly yells at me to burn things. Kidding... or AM I?!?!?! LOL!

So, I understand how you feel. But, you need to stop letting that voice have so much power over you. I also understand that is SOOO much easier said than done. Cripes, I'm old as EFFFF (okay, I'm in my 30's, so I guess that isn't THAT old) and I've basically just recently learned how to finally actually care about myself. But, really the first thing you need to do is to realize that you are pretty damn awesome! Any guy would be lucky to be with you. Again, it isn't like I'm suggesting you get full of yourself and think you are the most awesome thing in the world. Taking a complete 180 and turning into a cocky jerk would NOT be my advice.

It's just you need to realize that you are great and you have a lot to offer somebody. Don't ever let fear stop you from living your life. Pain is temporary. If you go out with somebody and only wind up hurt for it, absolutely that will suck.... but in time you will grow stronger and stronger for it. In time you'll get a better sense of what you want in a relationship, and you'll get a little better at telling if a guy is serious or just wants to use you. Not that it is always completely clear, some guys are real pigs but are really good at hiding it.... but you'll at least get better at seeing the signs.

But if you never try, then nothing will ever change. You are young. That's the good news. So, you have plenty of time to learn, to grow, to make mistakes and learn from them. But you won't learn if you don't even try. I know, I know. All easier said than done. Take it from a guy who knows. But, really, the only way to learn and grow is through experience. There is no easy answer. I wish I could offer one.

Good luck to you either way. If nothing else, remember that you are awesome. If a guy just wants to use you for "benefits" and isn't really interested in anything serious with you... well, then he doesn't deserve you in the first place.

[Bbcolz]

TheEvilJester: it's like you read my mind and know exactly what to say! Like, everything you said I needed to hear. Thanks! Lol.

[Hooo!]

Care for what other people really want and why
Be emphatic

[TheEvilJester]

TheEvilJester: it's like you read my mind and know exactly what to say! Like, everything you said I needed to hear. Thanks! Lol.

Well, you are welcome. I am glad if I was able to help even just in some small way. I did not, in fact, read your mind. (By the way, you think about pickles A LOT. ) I've just been there myself. I know what it is like to be a teenage girl. (Take a pause to see if anybody catches why that doesn't make any sense. LOL! )

I'm kidding. Being serious, though, I just know all about self-doubt, especially when it comes to looking for love. I've lived most of my life thinking I was worthless, and it makes it so hard to believe anybody could want you when you barely even want yourself. Even if you don't realize you are doing it, it winds up permeating your whole life and you unintentionally act on these false beliefs your inner-voices tell you. So, that really is honestly the first step. Just realizing that you are pretty damn awesome. Realizing that you deserve somebody pretty damn awesome. Realizing that even if you get hurt a little along the way, the journey can be a lot of fun.

Don't stop believing. Hold onto the feeling. Street lights. People. ...Oh wait. You're a teenager. You probably have no idea that I'm referencing a Journey song because I said the word "journey" above. ....God I'm old.

[PRW]

I wand to "Ditto" what TheEvilJester said, and...

You heard "practice makes perfect"? It works with dating too, and you are at the perfect time in your life for it. It is tough for me, I'm 55, so the chicks have 35 years of baggage, or are crazy, or bitter, or on life support. But you have it all fresh out in front of you.

Learn the concept of "casual dating". It is what all dating should start out as until, and if, it becomes anything more. It is NOT "casual sex",...your pants can, and should, stay zipped. You go out on dates with overlaping guys. They are not your boyfriend, you are not their girlfriend. You go into this without any outcome expectations. I recommend casually dating 2 or 3 guys during the same period of time, more than that can get too complicated. Do not get committed or invested in them. At your age they are just "punks" right now.

The idea is to practice dating and build up your dating skills and learn to read people and their intentions. Learn to spot the good ones, bad ones, average ones, sly ones, the users, and the abusers. You need to have the attitude that it is they that have to impress you and convince you that they are worth your time. You do this for about a year and you should be a lot more solid in your dating abilities and with more emotional control and overall self control. Then, you will be on more solid footing for more serious dating.

Practice makes perfect.