Long distance relationship problems??

[LaurenR22]

Hello.. first post, so be gentle!

So background information.. Have been in a couple of long term relationships before. The last one was with someone who i suppose wore the trousers in the relationship, and i kind of took a back seat and did what he wanted as i couldn't be bothered with an argument. I was by no means a pushover, but just bored of his tantrums and selfishness so opted for the quiet life. I was 15 years younger, and was always told how much he loved me etc until he found a new model!!

Have been single for 18 months and decided to try internet dating.. Enter new guy. We have lots in common, seems to share the same lifestyle (ie Country) and on paper would be great together, but there are a few things niggling at me

First off, we are having a long distance relationship so only able to see each other every 2 weeks for about the past 4 months. We spoke online for hours when we first met and text most days and sometimes i feel really connected to him. Just when he is in person he can be so shy! The times i have been to stay with him on his turf i felt so at home and never wanted to leave. He was so much more relaxed and things felt right. But when he comes to stay with me i find it really hard work, he turns back in to this shy person that looks for reassurance and just wants to do whatever i want to do, and to be honest i find it infuriating! (to the point where we will be watching tv and he will just have to glance at me every so often, just makes me so tence!). I think he can be insecure and a bit needy, and this is not what i am used to. I do like to cuddle and be affectionate, but he always has to be stroking my hand or give me a kiss when ever he is next to me or passing, which sometimes is ok, but other times again i find it too much and just need some space. Just wondering if anyone has had experience of this or am i just being emotionless.

When he is being confident and himself i found myself feeling that i could really fall in love with him, but then he has moments of just switching back to this insecure needy person and i don't know if i'm the person to deal with this, or if i should call it a day and let him find someone that appreciates his affections more??

[LaurenR22]

a shameful bump!

[Cerby]

A sheep in wolf's clothing. A guy who shows strength and confidence when out in the real world or in his comfort zone, but when in a relationship he becomes the shy, needy, insecure momma's boy that he is underneath the person he pretends to be.

This is something that he might move past once the relationship grows, but it might also get worse. If he falls in love with you he might end up becoming a whiney clingy man who gets upset any time you have a thought that isn't about him. This is a hard one to read because he exhibits behaviors of both confidence AND insecurity.

Take this one carefully, and see how it develops. LDR's are tough enough as it is, one with someone like this might be hell.

[bulrush]

First, I believe you when you say he sounds insecure and needy. His extra touching may be an indicator of that.

OTOH, you sound like you are annoyed with his insecurities. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker. Most people never change, a few do. Do you think he will change? What evidence do you have of this? Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Or do you want someone more confident?

Answer these questions, then get back to us.

[Phoenix23]

Constant Affection is not necessarily a sign of insecurity.
Sometimes it's a sign of, surprise, tremendous affection.
Some girls like it, some don't, so it's hard to judge if he's being excessive.

I'd say ask him why he seems more shy when he's at your place. Maybe as he becomes more comfortable there his confidence and assertiveness will come out more.
There are plenty of guys like that, who may be shy in new circumstances but open up to have more confidence as they become comfortable.

[LaurenR22]

Thanks for all your replies, it's good to get others points of view.

Well, decided to bite the bullet and have a talk. Told him of my concerns and we're going to see how things go. I am seeing him this weekend, so will see if he has actually taken on board what i have said. He did say he knew he was acting a bit needy and thinks it's due to the long distance thing, i did explain that i do like my space, but at the same need to acknowledge his needs and wants too.

Hopefully we can meet somewhere in the middle. I don't want to just give up on this, but at the same time don't want to get deeper in to it if it's not right.

The crazy thing is, if he was able to back off just that tiny bit then i know i would go to him for affection too rather than it feeling so one sided. Hope i don't sound too much like a crazy girl that doesn't know what she wants!

[Splashstorm]

Just get to know him more, and if you don't really like him, let him go.

[LaurenR22]

Just get to know him more, and if you don't really like him, let him go.

I think this is what i am going to do, just hope i can figure out either way sooner rather than later.

[Splashstorm]

Glad I could help