He lives with his ex and kids and many other stuff....

[kareen]

Hi guys, I really really really need some advice once not many people know about this situation.
I'm from Stuttgart (deutschland) and he's from the US. I met him almost 2 years ago, he was spending a month here working for his company. After spending a day with him he was open with me and told me he was divorcing with his wife and had 3 kids. And, of course, still lives with them. He says it's because of his kids (that are still 8, 10 and 11) and because he is spending his extra money to come to Stuttgart to see me and so he couldn't afford another house.
I didn't mind that much cause I didn't think that the things were going to be as they are now.. The fact is, 2 years after we first met, he came to Stuttgart like 10 times already. He has a good condition of life but he's not rich. He's investing in our relationship.
All my family (they are very "church people" as we say here) met him already and they like him a lot.. Of course, they don't know abt his ex wife and kids.
He's very good to me, always treated me very well, says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and such....
I'm going to the US in 8 months to study. It's somthing we both have been looking forward to.

But I'm feeling really lost!!!! Don't know what to do. I feel I can't hide this from my family anymore! And I'm not strong enough to deal with the fact he's still living there...
I'm 22 and he is 35. Age is not a problem for us, but I feel too young to have a situation like this one in my life.

NEED UR ADVICE GUYS!! Please.

Thanks!!

Kareen

[vashti]

YOU are the problem hun, not his wife. Talk is cheap, and I am sure you know that men tend to lie about the state of their marriage when it suits them. Unless she tells you herself that their marriage is over, I wouldn't believe anything he tells you. He is a man fast approaching middle age, and having a hot young girl in another country to have sex with must be great for his ego, and the bonus is that you are so far away, his wife won't ever know about you.

[girl68]

I'm 22 and he is 35. Age is not a problem for us, but I feel too young to have a situation like this one in my life.

... therefore age IS a problem. you are too young to have to deal with an ex wife and 3 kids!

[kareen]

Yea I've heard from her they don't have anything, by the way she has a boyfriend. They sleep in different rooms and such. He's always so kind with me, treat me very well, talk about me to his family (I've listened to him talking to his father on the phone) and friends. I'm already very attached to him, don't know what to do!!!

[vashti]

I suppose you should tell your family the whole truth, then. Love affairs built on lies never last.

[Primo]

Sounds like a mess...if he's moving on from his ex, he needs to find an older woman who has children herself so they can identify. Even if you lived here in the US, you'd get buried in this situation.

[kareen]

ahhhhh I'm abt to go crazy with this stuff....

[Sanctuary]

Have you met my friend George?

[kareen]

what???????

[The Wise]

YOU are the problem hun, not his wife. Talk is cheap, and I am sure you know that men tend to lie about the state of their marriage when it suits them. Unless she tells you herself that their marriage is over, I wouldn't believe anything he tells you. He is a man fast approaching middle age, and having a hot young girl in another country to have sex with must be great for his ego, and the bonus is that you are so far away, his wife won't ever know about you.

I don't think he's lying. You never know, obviously there's lots of people who have affairs and lie to their lovers, but if he was lying then in no way he would be looking forward for Kareen to come to the US. Also, having a lover in another town is convenient, having her in another continent is probably very "safe" but how expensive is that?

Breaking marriages are terrible and complicated, much more so with kids involved. I do not think it's easy to just walk out of the house when your kids are that age. On the other hand, living in the same house doesn't make sense for the ex-couple itself, so it's of course possible that the crisis they're living may not end in divorce after all.

I think it's ok for Kareen to go and study in the US for a year, as long as she does it not only for him. Make your american experience if you want, and see what happens with your man, my guess is that once you're close to each other for a longer time, the relationship will change, for good or bad, and then you'll know more about what to do. Then don't forget you're there to study! Whatever your studies are, make sure to complete them. In the worst case, you'll come back home single, but you'll have something good to take back with you.

Anyway, my biggest concern in this scenario is the age difference. He's seen it all already: marriage, paternity, newborn babies and schooling kids, (almost) divorce. You ain't seen nothing yet. This means that you already have a very different view of life, different beliefs, dreams and desires. These are irrelevant in a long-distance affair, which is mostly based on passion, strong feelings, and of course sex, all of which can be good even with the age difference (esp. for him who gets a young pretty lady, but perhaps you enjoy his greater experience and confidence). Forming a stable relationship, live together daily, build a future together are another thing... watch out.

[vashti]

I don't think he's lying. You never know, obviously there's lots of people who have affairs and lie to their lovers, but if he was lying then in no way he would be looking forward for Kareen to come to the US. Also, having a lover in another town is convenient, having her in another continent is probably very "safe" but how expensive is that?

Not expensive at all, if you travel for business. Also, if I had a hot young lover living overseas, I'd be happy for them to move closer. Just not TOO close.

[kareen]

actually he came here for work once, since then he's cming only to visit. And I think that it would be easier for him to have an affair in a closer city and not in the other side of the ocean....

For me, it's also very important that he told me all this stuff right after I met him. He didn't wait or hide this stuff.
And before I met him I already had the plan to go to the US after my graduation. Good thing is I don't need him for anything, I have work experience and studies so I'm pretty independent, I'm going to the US with my own money.

Well I think that my coming to the US will be good cause I will have the real feeling abt being with a guy that has kids and such. He's really really good with me I wish I could just broke up with him but I can't!!!!! I really care abt him so so so much! =/