Can getting back together be sincere?

[DemiDevereaux]

Hi everyone,

Me and my ex had been together for 2 years. Both in college and we had the most amazing time.
But after a year, things started to go wrong. We fought all the time about misunderstandings and him putting his friends first.
Finally, he broke up with me and woke up the next day in someone else's bed. Not knowing what he had done. He felt horrible, but took it as a sign that we were not meant to be together.

I did not hear from him for about 5 months. When I texted him, he just asked me to shut up.
One day, I had a message on facebook, saying that he had a new girlfriend, they had been dating for about 2 months.
Little did I know, it was MY FRIEND, who had been helping me get through the breakup all those months. Secretly, she just talked to me so she could be up to date on my feelings and ask me out about him and our relation.
So, he basically took my friends virginity a few months after we broke up. I was devistated.

Now, 8 months later, he asked to see me. When we met, he told me that he had realized I was "the woman of his existance". But, he honestly admitted that he never really suffered from our breakup. He just moved on and never thought of me again. The decision to take me back, just came to him overnight. Although, he is very serious about taking me back.

The point is, I just can't take this seriously.
HOW CAN I BE THE WOMAN OF HIS LIFE WHEN HE HAS DUMPED AND FORGOTTEN ME ONCE?
How is it possible to be meant to be together when you've loved someone else in the meantime?
It just doesn't make any sense to me.

We have been "back together" for 2 months now. We are doing great. I can see that he loves me sooooo much more than he used to. But I can't just forget that he left me and has been together with my friend in the meantime.

Help me please!

[Wakeup]

The point is, I just can't take this seriously.

Then Why TF did you go back to him? This is a serious question. Why, why, why did you go back to him if you can't take "this" seriously?

BTW: Your bf sounds like a sociopath. He left you and didn't feal anything but now realizes you're the one for him? Has he even broken up with the other chick, your ex friend? Is that when he realized you are the one for him, when she dumped him?

I can see that he loves me sooooo much more than he used to.

How so? Can you explain how he SHOWS you that he loves your sooooo much more now?

[Agnus]

The point is, I just can't take this seriously.
HOW CAN I BE THE WOMAN OF HIS LIFE WHEN HE HAS DUMPED AND FORGOTTEN ME ONCE?
How is it possible to be meant to be together when you've loved someone else in the meantime?
It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Because the guy lied. He realized that you cause less trouble than your friend or anyone and it's more convenient to get you back than bump his head against stone-hearted bitches who will utilize him like a disposable napkin. It's up to you to forgive him or not.

[DemiDevereaux]

Hi wakeup,
Thanks for answering! I've stuggling with this question for quite a while!

I know this looks bad. In fact, I tried to keep him at a distance for over a month when he first said he wanted me back. I couldn't even seriously reconsider it.
But he did not give up on me. He tried to prove it to me in so many ways and never lied about anything. When I asked something that could easily be lied about to get me back, he did NOT lie about it.
I know this guy well enough to know that whenever a girl is his ex, he would NEVER reconsider going back. So him coming back to me, is a HUGE deal.
In the beginning, I felt flattered that he came back to me. Nothing more. But his persistance has changed my mind.

He dumped my friend because he hoped he could love her the way he loved me. It never happened. He couldn't deal with the difference between the 2 of us. So when he still didn't feel anything for her after 2 months, he broke things off. She was the one forcing him to have sex with her, btw. He constantly told her to wait but she didn't want to.

And why I know he loves me more this time, is because everything is backwards this time. In his eyes, EVERYTHING revolves around me. When he's at work, he wonders all day if I could have sended him a text or not. That's what I used to do when we were together the first time.

Do you think that is possible? Being with a guy that left you alone in the dark for 8 months? Who forgot about you and did not even look back?
I know he loves me again, I know he is sincere. But I don't know HOW sincere. Do these things really have a chance?

[Wakeup]

Wondering if YOU did something to show you care about him is hardly him showing YOU that he loves you. What does he do for you in ACTIONS not words or thoughts, that shows you he loves you and isn't just going back to "old faithful?" (old faithful would be you).

How do you know he loves you again, how do you know he's sincere... what are his actions that tell you that? His ACTIONS are where his truth lies.

You have doubts still, you can't believe he could be serious. That tells me he isn't showing you any actions to reassure and convince you that he really loves you and isn't just back because you're familiar and convenient. (as Agnus above has alluded to).

[DemiDevereaux]

I'm glad you just said that! After thinking about it, I realised a few things.

The problem is, back then, I did a lot of things that did not make sense to him.
They did not make sense to me either. I kinda dumped him every week the last couple of months we were together. He could not handle it anymore, so he left.
The time we spent apart, I learned I have borderline personality disorder. He didn't know that yet when he asked me to get back together.
He was prepared to take all the bullshit and fighting back, as long as he could be with me again. So in that case, I am the least convenient girlfriend he ever had.
He couldn't stay with my friend because she was TOO easy. They never fought, they completely think alike, have the same humour.
While him and I were complete opposites. He missed the emotional depth our relationship had.
When I was convinced he really meant it, I told him about the borderline. He was SO happy to know that he finally had an explanation for all the things I did and said.
That was the moment he said I was the woman of his life.

In this case, do you think it could be sincere after all?

[DemiDevereaux]

It actually comes down to one sentence...

I'm affraid I'm only in his mind, not in his heart..
Because the mind replays what the heart can't forget.
He never thought of me again, so that indicates I was out of his heart...
Once you are out, can you really get back in?

[DemiDevereaux]

Oh, you are completely right

I'm not seeing anyone right now, because it doesn't help. They always tell me things I already know.
But I have evolved SO much since I accepted being a borderliner.
He wants to make a great effort to learn everything about borderline, so we can prevent it from getting bad again.
He is NOT the type to come back to drama, he HATES it. He wants to solve it.

But there is so much thruth in what you say, wakeup... I can't ignore it.

And about the sex, also true..
I was the best he ever had, and honestly, the sex IS unbelievable. (too much info, sorry)
He did admit that 50% of the reason the wanted me back was because of the sex. Who would ever dare say that to a girl he tries to win back?! Lol (but look at the honesty again)
But it's not all that matters though.. I randomly refused to have sex for 2 weeks. He didn't even complain or nag about it.

OMG, this is SO confusing!

[smackie9]

A lot of people just start with a clean slate, and continue to have a fulfilling relationship. Your problem is that you are over analyzing everything which is ruining your opportunity to rebuild the relationship into a better one. Before you didn't really see the issues, now you do and together you both can work through it, and learn things about each other you didn't before. This can strengthen what you already have.

He didn't forget about you, he emotionally detached himself to protect his feelings....guys will do that. The rebound relationship in another method of hiding from the hurt....a lot of people do this after a bad breakup.....it's perfectly normal. On your end it looks heartless, but he was protecting his heart. Deep down he was very hurt.

Now that some time has past, those feelings surfaced, and made him realize all the mistakes that should have been dealt with, instead of running away from them. That's why you see a new person, trying to make it up to you.

You always take a risk going into a relationship, perfect or not....if it's worth the effort to you, then do your best...if it doesn't work out, at least you won't be sitting there wondering "what if".

[Wakeup]

I had so many additions I'm just going to repost:

Maybe this site will help you: I'll look and try and find something that will help him and get back to you.

http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

Here's one that is geared towards helping your bf with the support and knowledge he's going to need before HE makes a decision to return to you. again, and again:

http://bpdfamily.blogspot.ca/2010/08/being-victim.html

It touches on what ails him (codependency and the need to fix) Sadly, he can't fix you.

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When you're boarderline personalitied you only see things in black and white, love an hate, come here, go away. This is far more complicated than any ordinary relationship and the psychology of such.

If he were here on this forum, Demi I'm sorry but I would tell him to run far and fast from you. You will drag him back and once you know you have him, you will push him away again and this will keep happening until he's so addicted to trying to fix you and this relationship that he will be a former shell of himself.
Most men who stay/return to a BPD'er come back for the sex. You mirrior what he wants so that it's perceived to be perfect.

How many men have come and gone from you to this point in your life, luv?

I'm not seeing anyone right now, because it doesn't help. They always tell me things I already know.

You may already know things they tell you but that doesn't mean you've come to the point yet where you realize what you're doing when you're doing them.

He wants to make a great effort to learn everything about borderline, so we can prevent it from getting bad again.

Impossible. Especially if he himself doesn't know about his own codependency and need to caretake. He might do well to also google "White Knight Syndrome" as well as getting some of his own therapy with someone proficient in codependency.

I kinda dumped him every week the last couple of months we were together. He could not handle it anymore, so he left.

This is your "I love you / I hate you" and "Go away / Come back" ^^^^ You kept hoovering him back to you and he kept letting you. Soon he will do something innocent again (like not seeing you one night because he wants a boyz night out )which you will perceive as him not loving you and you break up with him again only to want him back once he's gone.
Leave him alone hon and work on getting yourself to a stable point in your own life.