I messed up severely and want to fix things

[stupidguy123]

I cheated on my girlfriend when we were seeing each other. We had a fairly casual relationship and she did not want to commit and encouraged me to see other girls etc even though I knew that I shouldn't really. I ended up getting drunk and having sex with one of her best friends. I couldn't tell my girlfriend because I didn't want to hurt her however the person I slept with said she was going to tell her what had happened because she couldn't bear the guilt. I ended up telling her first. She was upset and told me to go, which I did and she has since texted me and told me she doesn't want to forgive me and doesn't want me to contact her.

I really love this girl even though I am a dirt bag and messed what we had up. I know I made her really happy and she trusted me and our relationship was the most important thing to me and she valued it a lot too.

Should I and can I make things work again or should I let her go and give her freedom?

[michelle23]

I'm confused. If you were casual and she didn't want to commit and she told you to see other people etc-its not really cheating is it??
It sounds like you wanted to be exclusive but she didn't. Do you think this would have happened if you and she were more committed?

No I don't think you should go back. Leave her alone. If someone cheated on me, I would not want to ever see them again-sorry to be blunt.. Learn from this mistake and never do this again

[michelle23]

And getting drunk is not an excuse by the way. We do things while drunk that we would love to do sober... Alcohol makes your true colours come out-remember that in future.

[Boisdevie]

She valued your relationship but did not want to commit and encouraged you to see other girls?
My friend, I don't class that as a relationship and I don't class her as your girlfriend. She needs to make up her mind what she wants and stop acting like a child.

[rob1984]

And getting drunk is not an excuse by the way. We do things while drunk that we would love to do sober... Alcohol makes your true colours come out-remember that in future.

OP, let it go and move on, and i disagree with her above quote.. Alcohol actually alters your view of reality, hence the confidence to do things.. you normally would not have the confidence to do.. its as if its not you doing the action, so its easier to do. If her statement were true.. then every drunk driver that drove into a group of people.. wanted them dead.. just makes no sense.. its still no excuse. Regarding situations like yours or a drunk driver..which are negatives... is not something a sober person would do.. maybe think about it, cause its normal as humans.. but you otherwise would not do.

[michelle23]

Rob1984-I have been out drinking-twisted drunk in the past when I was single and if someone chatted me up-Id give them my number and leave it there. I would not hop into bed with them as I have something called self respect. I have also been out with my friends on a night out langers drunk while in a relationship and I make it clear to men to leave me alone.. Alcohol does not make you think "its alright to cheat on my partner" you still no the difference between right and wrong and cannot use it as an excuse..

I was also drunk the night I met my current partner. We kissed, cuddled, exchanged phone numbers and went on a date a few days later so I don't agree with you here. Alcohol does not change your view on whats right and wrong, it doesn't make you forget that you are in a relationship and it doesn't excuse behaving badly

[rob1984]

if you were sober the night you met your partner.. maybe you would have not gotten the confidence to do what you did, or he was drunk and lacked that confidence as well.. alcohol makes people do things they would otherwise NOT do while sober.. does not mean they never though about it. Its why people drink to get the confidence. You do not have normal motor functions when drunk.. therefor your perspective is way off. Men are attracted to the physical part of a woman, so does not take much for him to jump in to bed, a girl needs to build an emotional attachment.. maybe a friend or someone she already knew.. if the right things would be said.. single or not.. she's gonna do the guy. Now you will say this will never happen to me ect... but alot of people say I did not mean to kill this person and they have. So think out side the box. Alcohol impairs judgement.

[stupidguy123]

I know what I did was wrong an alcohol is NOT an excuse in my opinion but it is the only reason why I would do something so stupid. I wish it never happened and its the biggest mistake I have made. Question is whether you think I can fix/restart a relationship with this girl who I am honestly in love with.

[rob1984]

if you were in a long relationship with her, she may see this as a mistake a huge one, however so new in it.. she can only see it as bad things to come.. sorry. man

[michelle23]

You should just move on. Even if she tries to forgive-shell never forget and that will just lead to jealousy, paranoia, insecurity, arguments, breaking up every week, on and off until it just wears you both down and your practically suicidal. Just walk away.. even if you had been together for 10 years and this happened-nothing good can come out of staying together and trying to make it work.

Imagine if she slept with your best friend???

And I dont agree that sex is just physical or just about attraction for ALL men nor is it emotional for ALL women..

[Rowen]

I know what I did was wrong an alcohol is NOT an excuse in my opinion but it is the only reason why I would do something so stupid. I wish it never happened and its the biggest mistake I have made. Question is whether you think I can fix/restart a relationship with this girl who I am honestly in love with.

First of all, I think the moderators on here should probably change your username. I say that because what you've demonstrated here is not stupidity. You clearly know what you've done wrong, but I don't think you should let her off so easy... While it is stupid to cheat on someone, you clearly do love her, and you were under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol, as you all are aware, is a depressant while slows down the electrical currents in the neurons, slowing thought. That being said, if you wanted a committed relationship while sober, how could you (as the one poster suggested) "let your true colors show when you're drunk." For that reason, I say you're not stupid.

Anyway, back to the original topic-- let her go. If she seeks you out in the long run and talks to you and forgives you, then you're golden. But don't wait around forever for that to happen. You can't base your entire life on this woman. Live for you; walk away and lick your wounds. Then move forward with your life, trying to find a love you want. If she takes you back someday after she's had time to think, great. If not, then she's holding onto something that she'll take to her grave. And if she can't forgive ever in her lifetime, do you really want to be with someone like that? Someone that holds grudges? No, I don't think you would want to. Not to mention the fact that you wanted a committed relationship and she wanted you to see other people... I'm sorry, that's unacceptable. Where I come from, if someone is in a relationship with another person, that's it. It's between them. No one else. There are plenty of wonderful women out there who would love to find a man that would want a committed, mature relationship with them. It's all a matter of finding them. At that, I wish you good luck. If you need someone to talk to, you can always PM me.

Also notice I'm speaking of forgiveness above- not forgetfulness, for they are two entirely different things. You can forgive, but you can't always forget. I've been cheated on about five times between two men. While I forgive both of them, I know I won't be able to forget it. I'll always remember what Chris did and then what John did a year later, but I'm not holding it against them. Both of them have suffered enough in their lives, and the past is the past. It's time to move forward, here and now.

I hope this helps.

[michelle23]

Yes I have forgiven an ex that cheated on me years ago but that does not mean I will ever want him back. I wont. Hurt me once-then don't come back. Simple. While I don't hold onto the hurt and anger now and I don't hate him or even think about him really haha-that does not mean he will get a second chance to hurt me again because he wont.

Plus OP-she probably would not care if it was some random girl because you agreed to see other people but friends are off limits. Thats pretty obvious.

[stupidguy123]

Thank you all for your responses. I feel chronically depressed just thinking about the fact that I might have lost her forever, even though she didn't want it to be official we were extremely close and I thought she was my soul mate... I know that makes what I have done even worse and I have to accept the consequences.

Rowan, I agree that she was in the wrong for not committing to me, I always lived with that in the back of my head and she knew how much I wanted to have something properly with her. Still, I accepted that and was happy to take things very slow. I don't know what to do now and feel so lost and empty, mainly because I saw how hurt she was, I half hoped thought that she would accept that I did what I did out of frustration, which is true but I know I also betrayed her. I would never ever have done that if she said she wanted to be with me properly, not even drunk, I lived thinking she might just change her mind about me and not want to see me on a day by day basis even though when we were together it was amazing and so special.

I will try and take your advice and move on in my heart but all I want to do is make her feel like she did before I told her what I had done, I hate myself so much for what I did. I know if she did the same to me I would find it hard to forgive her but I would and I would make the effort to try things again if she saw it as a mistake that she never wanted to repeat.

I'm sorry for moaning and sounding pathetic but I really don't know what to do. I guess I need to leave her and not contact her for a while so she can at least think?

[michelle23]

It is out of your hands now. All you can do is explain what you just said above to her and its her choice after that.

[toknow]

She might have been testing you by saying see other girls and wanted your response to be, "I'm not interested in other girls". She may have meant it, but her reaction says she didn't.