I still feel lonely sometimes

[snoz]

Thought I'd warn you guys this will be a massive wall of text, I'm positive most of the time and optimistic but there are just times when I feel like why am I trying so hard. I guess you could say I'm one of those people who likes to think what he's talking about but never really quite sure about anything.

I was born in a lovely little polluted country called Taiwan, have always been a mum's boy until that night when my parents had an argument (i'll get to that). Having a traditional asian upbringing I've just accepted the fact you'd always have to be polite, sensible, respecting of your elders and bend to your parents' every wishes. Being cained was also not out of the norm, parents did it, grand parents did it, the teachers did it, it was to make you learn they cared for us and hope we never do stupid things in life.

We moved to Australia when I was about 6 years old. Nothing's changed in the family apart from me slowly understanding or i guess you could say rebelling from those traditions. I was sitting through my HSC when I found out about my real heritage and the fact that the mum I had known for so long wasn't my biological mother.

I think that's when it all started to make sense for me. I was always teased back in Taiwan for having lighter hair, cept my mum assured me it was just a passing disease, obviously as a child you're reading to believe anything. I pretty much broke then and there. The feeling of emptiness while strapped into a car and having your dad speeding down the road with the entire family and screaming "let's just end this all" is a moment I'll never forget.

Needless to say my HSC went down the drain, I started abusing drugs for my own comfort and even now I still can't quit smoking. It's actually very typical, I hooked up with the wrong bunch of people and I really do regret my poor decisions. The family's now torn apart, My parents have gone back to Taiwan after the business failed and I'm left here with my sister (whom I hate and love). Then being the teen that I was what followed was nothing but a tragic first love and my second experience of complete betrayal.

To be perfectly fair I went through depression while in the relationship and it's not easy on anyone nor should anyone have the emotional baggage. After the breakup I realised I had lost all my friends, my family I had no one to turn to and that was the breaking point and probably the lowest point in my life. For the better part of that year I just couldn't see anything or justify why I'm even alive. Why did that guy deserve a girlfriend, why does that kid deserve a family, why does my friend hate her parents when I all those things they've taken for granted are all but stripped away from me.

It's been close to 2 years now and I feel much lighter. I never got professional help and I always think I do but it's good to see the world differently. I had met this lovely young girl who had experienced something similar and it really eased a lot off my mind. It showed me people out there do care, you shouldn't have to doubt your worth because of your past. It's made me understand the difference between caring and just people who take advantage of you. I'll admit it I was willing to give my worth to anyone that looked my way for whatever the reason.

I'm slowly settling back down now, I study and work to support myself and follow my dreams. Have fun going out with my new mates and I'll say I'm quite content with myself.

I use the word content because as much as I want to stay positive and KNOW things HAVE changed for the better, all it takes is one bad thing to put the doubts in my head again. All it could take is for a movie (yeah stupid isn't it) to bring back that emotional process I went through and it was quite bad watching Uptown Girl with your mates for shits and giggle and have me burst out in tears.

I can't help but just feel completely alone even in the comfort of friends which I call family. To have known your mum gave up on you, you're father being 'the man' who you've slaved for as a kid and then eventually being disowned is something I can ever forget or accept.

I know my mentality is what leads me to being hurt but is there really ever a way of erasing such painful memories.

[starbuck]

I wish I had more insight for you, but to be honest, snoz, it sounds like you really could benefit from some one-on-one counselling. Therapists seem to be most beneficial when it comes to helping people get over traumatic events from the past.

I grew up with a very distant father and throughout my twenties, it was painful to think about. It also lead me into destructive relationships with men. Even my relationship with the sloth (a guy I sometimes post about) has its toe dipped in those very same issues I think. Therapy has helped me ALOT with dealing with that past emotional neglect. I can now think my dad without feelilng those emotions well up, and I have a pretty decent relationship with him here in the present.

Therapy is really the best suggestion I can make.

[Off2College]

search up my posts man. If it makes you feel any better, I seem to have a similar emotional life as you growing up. I still feel lonely, too.

[lastwish]

You're not alone. Many people in the world had painful pasts (dysfunctionsl family past, rape, drug abuse, homelessness, the list goes on). It seems like things has improved for you and life is content. Being content is good enough in my opinion. I don't think anyone deseves another person's love (not even from their own parents even though it is technically expected and considered "natural" in society). I think any love or kindness you get from another person is more than what is deserved. You don't "deserve" kindness, it should be given voluntarily from another peson IF they wish, in my opinion.

[snoz]

thanks sb for some reason it always is nice to know other people have gone through the same thing and are now stronger for it, just so sad it ever had to happen in the first place. We have Counseling over here, but it's more of a poor man's person to goto and I never really could afford going to a real therapist unfortunately

Off2College: yeah I have noticed your posts. Just hang in there and believe one day it will all make sense. Faith I say (nah not in a religious context) just pure blind faith life will be better.

Lastwish: I know I know, that was a prime example when old feelings come back to haunt me and I get into this mindset where I don't think anyone went through what I did and I'm just lashing out for more!

I know therapy will probably be the best way to go but perhaps if people could share how they did eventually forget and forgive that would be great. I know it does hurt so only if you're willing to share

[Zilla80]

snoz you're cool man.