Jealousy

[paperflower]

Hi all. I've been in a relationship for a little over a year now. We were just friends for awhile before feelings started developing between us. He had just broken up with someone he'd dated for 3 years and I had just broken up from a 2 year relationship that ended badly. We helped each other get through the rough time. About 6 months into the relationship, he confesses that he was still having problems with missing his ex and he needed time to get over it. It hurt me because all this time he had made me believe he was ready to move on. About 3 months ago, he said he felt he was finally over it and could view his ex as a "friend". The problem is just that -- they have decided to remain friends. She has a new relationship also. She calls him nearly every day and even though I know he loves me, I get so jealous when he talks to her. They don't see each other in person (I don't think I could ever handle that) but I feel threatened by her and I don't know how to overcome it. She has asked to talk to me several times, but I am not ready for it. He tells me he has no interest in her anymore, but that he values her friendship, and that I should not judge someone I don't know. He has given me no reason not to trust him.

Why do I feel so threatened by their history together and how can I overcome feeling so inferior to her? And how can I stop making him feel guilty for things he hasn't even done? I've been cheated on before in the past and I know that is affecting me. I'm sorry this is so lengthy, but I appreciate any advice

[MissVenus]

It appears as though you have a good man. He is keeping things out in the open and my guess is his exgirlfriend is a good person. It seems as though it's important for her to speak with you possibly to reassure you that she has honorable intentions. I don't have a feel for his ex so it's difficult for me to be sure. Three years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone; they have undoubtedly bonded emotionally, but what you need to keep in mind is....you are not in competition with her! You are a uniquely special person, he chose YOU. The relationship that you and your boyfriend have is alive and growing. The relationship that he had with his ex is in the past, the fact that they can remain so close in the midst of them both having other partners, tells me that their bond during their relationship was MOSTLY friendship. I would suggest a strong dose of patience and understanding, with a line drawn...the times he is talking to her on the phone must not interfere with quality time that he is spending with you. If she calls during these times, he needs to let her know politely that he is watching a movie with you or having dinner with you and tell her he will talk to her tomorrow. I would venture to guess that when you feel the most tension/jealousy is when you feel your toes have been stepped on, you are human not a saint. Men and women need an understanding and compassionate partner. If he is asking you to make an effort to accomodate his feelings w/ regard to his friend then he must do the same and always put YOU first. I personally feel that jealousy is a sign of weakness and a waste of time, I TOO have fallen victim to it. Keep your eyes open, be compassionate to his needs and demand that he be compassionate to yours....it's a two way street! Try a little role reversal with your boyfriend, how would he feel if it were you talking to your ex in a situation that mirrors his.

[jslaughter]

To an extent feelings of jealousy are normal - how you handle those feelings is crucial to your future with your man.

The fact she wants to talk to you is a GOOD THING - she is trying to let you know that her intentions are good.

At the moment she has the upper hand on you as she is behaving in a mature manner - being concerned with your feelings, trying to reassure you. It would probably go a long way if you would just talk to her and accept her friendship with your boyfriend. He would probably apperciate you making that effort.