The return of the bipolar, suicidal "friend" with an obsessive "crush" on me

[searock]

I used to be friends with a guy named Jake. We are both 23. He is bipolar and has attempted suicide several times. Once, in spring 2011, it was so serious that he stayed in a coma for 3 days and doctors said it was a miracle he came out of it alive. During the rest of spring and summer, I tried to be closer to him: in my ignorance and naivety, I was under the delusion that I could actually somehow help him get better. For a while, all seemed to be well and better. We hung out, also with our group of friends, talked about everyday stuff.

In summer 2011 Jake moved back to his parents' house, in another town, and we kept in touch through frequent e-mails. I soon realized, by the contents and tone of his e-mails, that there was simply no way I could help him. He would constantly repeat that he was a total failure, saw no point in living, was 100% sure that he wasn't meant to be alive, etc. There was nothing I could tell him, that might make him even just consider the possibility of things being different. So I started telling him that he should have gotten therapy to help him through the toughest times. He told me that he had been getting psychiatric help (pills, but no talk) for years, but "it never did him any good". I kept telling him to get therapy, because I couldn't think of anything else, and was feeling more and more responsible.

One time during the summer I went on holiday for a week, during which I was off the internet. When I got back, I checked my e-mail and found out he had tried to hang himself. That's when I fully realized that I needed to distance myself from him. In those same days, he confessed his feelings for me... he had been "in love" (read: he had been nurturing an unhealthy obsession) with me for months.

At this point, I want to stress the fact that I have never led Jake on in any way. I was actually in a relationship ever since we became friends, he even knew my boyfriend at the time. In May 2011, I had broken up with the bf, and in June I had started dating my current boyfriend. Jake didn't know that I had broken up and was dating someone else: as far as he knew, I was still together with my ex.

When Jake confessed his "love" for me, I informed him about my dating situation, and I told him I was in love with the guy I was dating (we had been best friends for a long time). Jake went out of his mind. He went from supremely pissed off to violently depressed and back again, repeatedly (bipolar, as I said). I was even more freaked out, and started to reply less and less to his crazy e-mails.

September came, and Jake came back to town. We share the same group of friends, so we would sometimes hang out all together. I ignored him as much as possible, just said "hi" and "bye". He started pestering me with e-mails and texts, trying to guilt me into replying and to suck me back into that unhealthy "friendship". He was evidently obsessed by me. It finally got to the point in which I told him to "Please never contact me again", in those exact words. It was mid-October.

Jake obliged, and moved back to his parents' house.

Jake didn't contact me for about an year. He has now started to e-mail me again, and since I have always felt a lingering sense of guilt in his regards - after all, I know that it's not his fault if he's ill and acts as he does, he is clinically unstable -, I replied. I explained to him the reason why I thought it was best to keep our distances, I told him I don't think he's pathetic or anything, and that I want to stop talking about this for ever, but we can still talk about everyday stuff every once in a while, if he wants.

It's not working, of course. Every single e-mail he sends me is filled with provocation and bitterness and obsession. He begs me to "not take away what we had, otherwise he has nothing left".

What should I do? I think I should tell him that it's just not working, and we should go no contact again. It's sad, because I thought we could have finally moved past all that... but he clearly isn't.

[vashti]

Get rid of him. You can't help him, and he will drag you down.

[searock]

Thank you, vashti... it's what I though. Ugh, I hate having to do that again! How could I word it this time? I was thinking something along the lines of,

"As I said, I really don't want to talk about any of that ever again. So either we talk of something else, or we don't talk at all."

He will certainly reply with something bitter and hurtful to try and guilt me into talking about what he wishes yet again. And I will not reply. He will then wait for a day or so, and then tell me something even more bitter and hurtful, and also with a dramatic final tone to it, like a "last goodbye" or something, leaving me with the impression that he will kill himself in the evening just because of me. I am so irritated at him, even though I know it's not really his fault.

[Wakeup]

You're giving him yet another chance when you say "either/or" Just don't give him a choice. I think we've all told you all this before. Change your email address and let him do what he will do. You can't fix him, you're not responsible for him and you certainly won't be responsible if he kills himself. He's going to eventually succeed at that sooner or later whether you're still in the picture or not. Whether you were ever in the picture or not. Thsi isn't about you. Look after yourself.

[searock]

Thank you Wakeup, you're absolutely right... the only problem is that we still share the same group of friends, and he periodically gets back in town (like every 4 months). I don't want things to be totally awkward, I just want him to never talk to me about that stuff ever again.

I just e-mailed him: "As I said, I don't want to talk about any of that ever again". If he replies talking about it again... I'm going to block his address. Oh well, at least I got the chance to explain myself. Not that it will make any difference to him, but I feel a bit less guilty. I did what I could.

[PurleaseeeeeGF]

Try being less awesome. Thats what I do when a crazy chick gives me a scary vibe, then after she's out my life, I go back to being awesome again. Hope this helps.

[Wakeup]

Good.
If/When he comes into town in four months, why not just not hang where he'll be hanging for the short while he's here? It's not like he's a permanent fixture in the midst of your posse ;0)

I don't know why you'd even keep talking to him whether he talks about "this stuff" ever again or not. He has an obsession for you which is a very good reason to dismiss yourself from his life all together. It's that old cigarette anology again: You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off a cigarette. I'd just clear him from my contact list altogether.

Good luck, i hope your way works out for the two of you.

[searock]

Thank you :-) you really helped a lot, from the beginning! I'm going to do just that. There is no other way!

[PurleaseeeeeGF]

Any time, no problem.

[PurleaseeeeeGF]

lol .

[Wakeup]

.. lolzzz ...

[bcgirl]

Try being less awesome. Thats what I do when a crazy chick gives me a scary vibe, then after she's out my life, I go back to being awesome again. Hope this helps.

Lol this is what I've done in the past... Don't wear makeup around him, don't shower so u will smell, don't do your hair, belching and cussing and acting butch helps too.

[PurleaseeeeeGF]

Another good one is lighting your own farts. This only works for a man tho'. If a woman that I didnt like done that, I would probably marry her.

[smackie9]

Thank you Wakeup, you're absolutely right... the only problem is that we still share the same group of friends, and he periodically gets back in town (like every 4 months). I don't want things to be totally awkward, I just want him to never talk to me about that stuff ever again.

I just e-mailed him: "As I said, I don't want to talk about any of that ever again". If he replies talking about it again... I'm going to block his address. Oh well, at least I got the chance to explain myself. Not that it will make any difference to him, but I feel a bit less guilty. I did what I could.

Since he has become even more erratic, contact his parents, and let them know about their son's behavior towards you, DO express your concerns. Show them the emails....maybe they will take a firmer approach to getting him the help he needs. He is then their problem and not yours.

Blocking them never works, they always seem to find a way to find you.....I speak from experience.

[searock]

Blocking them never works, they always seem to find a way to find you.....I speak from experience.

Funny you should mention this... in October 2011, during one of his "low" moments, after I had told him over and over that I had nothing more to say to him, he had deleted my e-mail address, in an attempt no never contact me again. About 5 days later, I received an e-mail from an unknown sender, it was him obviously, as bitter and insulting as ever - he had found my e-mail address on the internet - I have no idea how (he is a genius, literally). This was the straw that broke the camel's back, that's when I told him explicitly to never contact me again.

I don't know about contacting his parents though. He is already getting psychiatric help, and this year he also started psychotherapy. I would feel like I'm intruding in something that's none of my business, and that's already being taken care of. And honestly I'm a bit scared of his reaction, if he ever found out. I just want the whole situation to go away, not to become even more involved.

bcgirl, LOL! That might work, but we aren't in the same town and even if we were, I see my boyfriend almost every day... he wouldn't like me filthy and smelly !

BTW, he hasn't replied to my last e-mail so far.