Contacting an Ex after two years of No Contact / Selfish or the right thing to do?

[billyking]

I really want a second chance with my ex boyfriend because I still love him after three years of being broken up and two years of no contact. We broke up and I said to myself (right or wrong) I would try for one year to get back with him. After that I would give up. So I did. I didn't stalk him. But maybe sent one too many messages but only about 7 messages to him in the one year after we broke up. Some he replied too and some he did not. Anyway after that one year I deleted my Facebook and him along with it. The last message I sent was long and I told him I had changed etc but he had just started dating again (it didn't last) but he didn't reply.

I really still miss him though. We didn't end on bad terms or fight. My lifestyle was dragging him down with me at the time and when I think back I was an awful boyfriend. Of course he was not perfect and didn't communicate enough with me about our relationship. But he used to bake me cakes and want to cook for me and I used to drink a lot and didn't really care that much.

He found it so hard breaking up with me and would often cry. Me too. He stopped speaking to me because it wasn't helping either of us get over the other. He said I would move on but I never believed that. I have tried but I think the reason I have found it so difficult is because I wonder whether we are perfect for each other if I was sober. Which I am now.

When we were together it really was a case of I did not appreciate what I had until it was gone. He made me happy. But everything else in my life should of made me happy too. But I was depressed , addicted and unhappy. So I came across to him as unhappy in life.

On reflection he was judging me (perhaps not the best word) as a suitable long term partner. When he finally realised how unstable I was and he saw no future he ended it. I would often argue with my flatmate (he hated this and hates conflict), I got locked out my flat trying to buy booze. He showed up for our date and I was drunk and trying to break into my flat. I would tell him how I had accidentally broken things in the flat. I dressed like crap etc. I was always basically saying negative things about my life. I can see I messed up.

He would only invite me around to his place when his flatmate was away on business. He was not cheating on me at all. But him and his flatmate had some weird agreement in place. His flatmate I think fancied my boyfriend and therefore did not want to see him with anyone else in the flat. They have a long history together and emigrated from the middle east together so its complicated. Anyway I often towards the end delayed meeting him because I was drinking a lot by this point. I went to his place and was drunk. I did not want to break up with him and could not say it to him but I didn't want to drag him down with me into my spiral of alcohol abuse. I cannot remember exactly what I said but I said a lot of bad things about myself. He cried a lot that night. I passed out on his bed. I was trying to make myself seem horrible to him so he would hate me and break up with me so he wouldn't have the same life as me kinda thing. Anyway he didn't hate me. We cuddled on the sofa in the morning. But I certainly think that was one of the moments he started feeling unhappy with me.

Instead of talking to me when he started feeling unhappy he kept it a secret for months until he had decided enough was enough and to leave. I was angry a little about this. I wished he had told me so we could of worked things out before it was too late. But I also know he felt scared of telling me how he felt because he felt I was vulnerable and was so sweet he did not want to upset me or hurt me. He was so loving.

He wanted me to change my lifestyle but also said he did not want me to change for him. That I should not change for anyone else. But I have changed and I still love him so much. That's why I (a year too late) deleted him out of my life because it is obviously what he wanted.

We never said bad words to each other. We ended on good terms I suppose. The last time we ever met he wanted to kiss me goodbye. But we never met again because he saw that at the time things would have just started up again like before and same problems would have happened.

I want to wish him a happy birthday and meet up with him. If he agrees is it ok to give him a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug if we meet? Or no kiss on the cheek and just a hug?

As I said I have changed. I want to be his boyfriend/partner again and have never stopped loving him. I just suppose I have matured and know how to show love now. I am just worried about contacting him again. Maybe he will ignore me? Maybe it is unfair of me to try and enter his life again?

But at the same time I think everybody deserves a second chance. I know he loved me a lot and maybe we could both be very happy together now I sorted my life out? I have apologized in the past for my behaviour but if I do meet him again I don't think we should talk about the past.

I have tried to move on totally in the past three years (especially the last two) and enjoy the dating game but as I said I want to be with him.

If I wish him a happy birthday and get back into contact do you think we might be able to start out as friends again? I know I have said in the past he didn't want to talk but that was because he still got upset thinking about us breaking up and wanted to move on. But a lot of time has passed now. I don't feel sick and cry when I think about him anymore. I am sure he does not either. But surely there is a chance for something. I mean I have really accepted my behaviour and changed it for the better and apologized to him.

[michelle23]

Its been three years. Why have you not allowed yourself to let go? The first step is accepting its over. That is the only way to truly grieve the loss so you can move on with your life.

Clinging on for this long, still hoping their is a chance and still blaming yourself is really not good for you. Get a few counselling sessions. It should take 6 months-2 years to mourn a loss. Anything longer than that and you need help.

If you accepted it 2 years ago you could have shared the past two years with someone else who does want you. You have wasted so much time. Don't waste anymore. People break up ALL the time. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or that their is something wrong with you or that it is all your fault. It normally just means the two of you were not compatible, wanted different things or clashed emotionally. If it didn't work out the first time, the chances of it working out the second are even slimmer.

Seriously man, its time to let go

It doesn't matter that you have changed now. You should have changed for you-not for someone else. You have to accept the consequences of bad behavior and one is losing people you love. I know people who have had an affair, have gone to counselling, realized how wrong they were, hate what they did and truly sorry for her hurting their partner. Does that mean they deserve a second chance? In my opinion, no it doesn't as no matter how sorry they are or how much they regret what they did-they cannot ever take back the pain that they caused. Its selfish to think just because you changed that you deserve him back. You dont

[Starnique]

You do need to move on. I personally don't like when guys pop in and out my life. Almost as if they got it like that. If he took the break up hard for reasons you caused then you need to move on and let him go. I'm sure his life doesn't revolve around you and I think he was avoiding you for a reason.
If a guy contacted me after two years, I would be like, uhm...what the hell is he calling me for, lame.

[TablesandChairs]

Firstly - have you changed for you? How long has it been since your last drink/drug? Are you a happier person now? Do you have goals? Are you doing something with your life? If all this is in place and you've been sober for longer than just a month, then saying 'happy birthday' won't hurt anyone - but that's where things should end unless he throws the ball back by replying. If not, then you have to accept that for him, it's well and truly over.

I've noticed that for addicts or people who party way too hard, time goes by slower; it's like they stagnate and suddenly start seeing things clearly when they've no longer under the influence - the problem with this is that the rest of the world never stopped, they kept moving forward. So...you might find that he's not interested and that's okay - don't take it personally. Know that you've done a great thing by quitting whatever was making you miserable and you will only go forward from here on.

[billyking]

It has been over 20 months since I drank Alcohol. I was a real heavy drinker. Something like 6 bottles of wine per day. It depended when I was with my ex. It wasn't 6 bottles. The first four months I was sober from drinking but I started again and the last four or five months I drank.

You are right. I as an addict certainly have found that I stagnate. I don't mean this in terms of intelligence but I certainly view my life as three or four years behind everyone else my age as a general rule.

I have goals now. I had gotten myself in a rut but ironically when I was dating him I should of been the happiest. Because at the time I was on a university course and lived in a nice apartment with a friend. But in the end I lost it all some of it I am not so sad about losing now though.

Whatever his reason for keeping me on Facebook for a year it was me that severed every tie with him by deleting it. Trust me I wish I didn't still care. I would prefer if I hated him or was indifferent. But I'm not. I can't help how I feel can I? If it hasn't gone away after three years then it's not going away at all. I do my best. Apart from this forum post it is not like I have been pining over him and not dating other people etc.

My worry is if I wish him a happy birthday and he has a boyfriend then he probably wont reply. If he is single there is more chance he will reply. Don't you think? Because if it was me and an ex contacted me for whatever reason even just to check in and be friends perhaps if I was dating somebody else I would be a lot less inclined to accept an ex's friend request just out of fear it may put into jeapordy my existing relationship.

[michelle23]

The only reason you cant let go is coz you wont allow yourself too.

Did you ever think that maybe the reason you relapsed and were not happy back then is coz the relationship didnt work? Perhaps being with him dragged YOU down.

Surely if he was so great and you two were so perfect then that would have been motivation to stay clean and dry?

I am not in anyway blaming him for your behaviour. I am just saying when two people are not good for each other it shows..

Have you ever seen someone who has completly let themselves go? Put on weight, stopped making an effort, became lazy etc and wondered what the heck happened to them? 9 times out of ten it means there deeply unhappy and it shows

[billyking]

I had massive alcoholism issues and I am not sure it makes a difference who you are with. I could of been with the most beautiful, wealthy, powerful person in the world etc (for example). Still would have drunk.

I was not good for him. He left. Good for him. But that was along time ago and I was a different person.

He is my motivation to stay clean. He is one of the main reasons I have stayed dry and got my life back on track. But it took him leaving and his absence from my life to motivate me enough. Him not being around was more motivating than anything he could have done if he had stayed. By that I mean I lost a lot through alcohol but losing someone like him who I loved because of it (despite him telling me at the time it was not just the alcohol) hurt enough to get me to stop along with nearly being stone dead.

[TablesandChairs]

Plenty of people have rekindled old flames years down the track and it's worked out; so I still maintain that you have nothing to lose by wishing him a happy birthday. If he doesn't want to reply for whatever reason, then at least you will have tried and you can put it to rest and be confident that whatever relationships you have from now on will be healthier and happier.

[billyking]

Thanks for all the advice

I just think now that because I am at least in some ways able to be a happy person and love myself now that maybe that will show and therefore I can love him. Whereas before I didn't love myself and was not happy so therefore was not fit for any kind of relationship and it showed.

I'm really a romantic at heart and I like the idea of getting back with him years later because it just seems so romantic and would strengthen our bond if it happened. But I am not just in love with the idea I do love him too.

Then some days I do think especially with the first few posters comments that do I need a different type of guy?! He is certainly strong willed and is one of these people that will probably never understand addiction problems. You know the type?! Some people just say "no" and can never figure out how others can not just say no to a certain vice and find it so hard to understand.

So sometimes I do think I might need somebody who would understand and therefore could be the most supportive to me when I am feeling low and am vulnerable to picking up alcohol again. Then again maybe that is wishful thinking and who knows how he would be like if he saw me strong willed but struggling. He might be very supportive. Of course this I suppose is all theoretical he might not even reply!

Or maybe after all these years and me being a different better person he will get emotional because he loves me too and he knows I do after all these years.

We will see I guess.

[namemyname]

He is my motivation to stay clean.

And, that's why you'll relapse.

Your motivation should have been for YOURSELF.

If you contact him, and he rejects you, are you going to be OK to move on? Or, will you use that as an excuse to drink again?

Honestly, if someone told me they quit an addiction for me, I'd run. That's not the right reason, and lacks staying power.

[billyking]

Sorry I did not phrase that properly. You are right at first along time ago I tried for him but failed. I have tried many, many times in my life to stay clean. I failed.

I got clean for myself. What I meant about him being a motivation this time was that losing him and therefore love through addiction made me realise I wanted love more than to be drunk and therefore for myself I stayed clean. That's how I found motivation from him. Rather than him being my motivation.

If I do decide to message him and we do meet then I don't want to talk about the past any more. I thought I did but I think all of it is best in the past. I would just talk to him as if we were kinda meeting new and see how things go. Maybe it is for the best that we just become friends again and chat occasionally. I think that would be the best outcome from all of this.