Settling, Pt. II

[Glyph]

The thread title is a bit of a misnomer, since it's not really about settling, but it's a continuation of my other thread.

So, I broke it off with UK guy who, if you remember, I have been friends with for a few years now. He's really upset, which is to be expected because I really do believe he loved me (still does, I suppose). Of course, the hurt very quickly turned to anger, which I also expected. Hell, I wouldn't have much cared or been surprised if he said he hated me, called me names, etc. But one thing he has done that I'm NOT okay with is writing my reasons off as "excuses", and stupid ones to boot.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but if a person isn't willing to marry for any reason, and the only way they can qualify to immigrate is by marrying someone in the U.S. - isn't it safe to say that that pretty much cancels the relationship? Am I crazy, or is there really no reason to continue that relationship if it can never be truly realised by that person sharing at least a 10 mile radius with you?

That, and is that what MOST men do when they're hurt - try to take it out on you by diminishing you or implying that you're a liar of some sort? Or is that merely the immature ones?

Right now, we're pretty much maintaining radio silence. We're not speaking or having any contact while he gets over it. In the meantime, I'm considering our friendship and if I'm expecting too much to have him respect the reasons why I felt our relationship had to end? Whether my best friend Sam is a part of it or not, the foremost problem I see between UK guy and I is the fact that we'll never be less than a thousand miles away from each other. That kind of makes any other points rather moot.

Opinions?

[Gigabitch]

Logic does not live in the heart.

Don't expect this guy to be your friend. Some guys just can't pull it off. If it helps at all, I think you did the right thing, even if he never understands it. Actually, the fact that he's having such a hard time understanding the reasoning behind this tells me he's either too romantic to be any good to a smart girl like you or didn't believe that you would never marry him (self-delusional). Either way- not the guy for you.

To be completely selfish about it, I'm glad he's out of the picture. It means you have lots of time to post on LF, where we all embrace you and don't expect you to marry us.

[Glyph]

Ha, I still have a good deal of time, relationship or no. Online jobs are a beeeeaaa-utiful thing.

I forgot to add that, when we were discussing things, he came up with the logic that the marriage would be purely convenience-based - therefore, what should it REALLY matter since marriage means squat to either of us, but we can still be together? Nevermind that a person has to stay married for at least two years for his residency to be permanent. What if something happens in that time? What if the relationship isn't so great, yet here we are, married and therefore legally bound?

Which is when he got *more* hurt that I was so uncertain about the strength of our relationship. It's like he seriously couldn't comprehend that EVERY person thinks their relationship is "the one" when they commit to it, else they wouldn't bother. Everyone thinks they've found the one they'll be with for the long haul. Being not too long out of a divorce, I no longer have that kind of wide-eyed idealism. Any relationship can take a turn; there are never any guarantees, and right now in my life, I can really only tolerate that which is reasonably finite. I want to know what I'm getting into, I want my eyes to be wide open before I leap into anything.

Therefore sort of meaning that I . . . am just not ready for relationships right now, at all. Period.

Which he takes to mean that I'm just completely frigid and closed off to relationships "like, forever", which I don't believe is true, but one of the follies of youth is short-sightedness. I don't know what's going to happen in a week, or a month, or several months or even several years. I'm sure I'll completely recover one day and be open to something. But that's the thing he's not getting - even if I DID bounce back with a vengeance, I still couldn't be with him. I doubt the "not-wanting-to-get-married" will ever change.

I'm absolutely SURE I did the right thing. I'd just really hate to see our friendship go tits up over this. He's pissing me off right now, but I love him. That doesn't necessarily have to end because of distance, it just can't ever be in a romantic sense.

[Gigabitch]

I forgot to add that, when we were discussing things, he came up with the logic that the marriage would be purely convenience-based - therefore, what should it REALLY matter since marriage means squat to either of us, but we can still be together? Nevermind that a person has to stay married for at least two years for his residency to be permanent. What if something happens in that time? What if the relationship isn't so great, yet here we are, married and therefore legally bound?

That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Somebody recently told me, "Men find themselves ready to get married when the time is right. Women will get ready to get married when they meet the right guy.

I think it's possible that you may someday find yourself suddenly revising your opinions about marriage. You just haven't met the right guy yet.

[General Mac®]

IF he/she lives across any POND of some sort and neither of you is willing to relocate..TERMINATE THE RELATIONSHIP...you got geography against you mate