BF cried when I said "I love you" after a year!

[chocolateorange]

Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Until recently neither of us had expressed to the other that we were in love with them. It had been chewing me up for weeks, so I decided I had to say something because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and that I wasn’t wasting my time.

Last week, before bed, I said “I love you” to him and immediately afterward he started crying. This obviously put very confused, mixed emotions and feelings into my mind. I asked him why he was crying and he said he didn’t know and that he just felt like crying. After he calmed down he said that the reason he got so upset was because he felt like I put myself into a vulnerable position and that he really hates the idea of having the ability to hurt me somehow. He also said that he always thought he liked me more than I liked him, which reassured him in such a way that gave him comfort in not being able to hurt me somehow. Another point he brought up was that he has negative connotations with the phrase because his ex would use it against him to make him feel badly about himself.

His ex also pressured him into proposing to her and then broke up with him shortly after he finally did. We started dating 6 months after they broke up.

He is always saying how much I mean to him and how wonderful I am. He says to me that he feels so lucky to be with me, but I get a sense that since we started dating until now, he hasn’t really gotten over all the hurt that was inflicted on him from his past relationship. He’ll do things like book a flight without telling me before hand that he was planning on traveling. I guess I’m wondering if I should stick it out with him in hopes that soon he’ll be able to move past this issues that have been created because of his past relationship or if I should give him some space and time to do so on his own.

Any thoughts or opinions would be helpful!

Thanks and all my best,
C.O.

[Gigabitch]

Wow. That's a lot of baggage for you to have to deal with. He sounds like he's not ready to be in a relationship with you.

[chocolateorange]

Interesting. He was the one that pursed him though. He was very persistent for about 3 months and then we started dating exclusively.

Should I give him some space to deal with these issues on his own?

[chocolateorange]

oops - pursued me

[Coco]

Gosh, this is tough because if you leave him... he might get worse. :/ But he it does seem like he hasn't gotten over everything and may need some times.

[Gigabitch]

I think it depends on what you want from him. He's not serious relationship material, that's for sure.

[chocolateorange]

I want a serious relationship - I thought that's what he wanted too.

[chocolateorange]

I forgot to mention that after our conversation about why he was crying he said that he wanted to say that to me so many times and almost did on a few occasions. He didn't really say why he didn't end up saying "I love you" though.

[irrelevant_89]

Gigabitch, do we have to be so pessimistic? Sure, he may not be in the best emotional place right now, but surely people can get out of such places? It does take time, but provided TS can be patient and not put much pressure in the relationship for that amount of time, I don't see a reason to give up. Yet.

Anyway, honestly I can't say I'm familiar with that sort of "I love you" response... in Europe "I love you" aren't such scary words. You Americans make them sound like a pre-proposal xD

EDIT Then again, 1 year... that IS a bit of time. Some wounds take longer to heal than others, but wonder if that is the only problem.

[Gigabitch]

Gigabitch, do we have to be so pessimistic?

Realistic, rather. I'm not saying she should dump him immediately, but he doesn't look like a good prospect to me and I, personally, wouldn't recommend making a significant emotional investment in him.

Relationships are hard enough when both people are on the same page and he's still reading the last book.

[irrelevant_89]

What if a "significant emotional investment" is the only way to make this relationship work? Of course one would have to decide if it's worth it... but it could be, in some particular situations...

[Gigabitch]

What if a "significant emotional investment" is the only way to make this relationship work? Of course one would have to decide if it's worth it... but it could be, in some particular situations...

Then it needs to be a mutual investment. Trying to turn a guy who isn't over his ex into a good boyfriend is akin to trying to polish a turd.

Life is short.

[chocolateorange]

Thank you irrelevant_89 and Gigabitch. I've asked him to take a week and think about whether or not he thinks he's ready to put his past behind him. When we're together, friends of mine say it's almost uncomfortable to be around us because he stares at me as if he's madly in love with me. I really wasn't expecting that kind of reaction from him. I know he cares about me a lot, but part of me feels like his ex put him in a spot that makes it very difficult for him to get too close to another girl.

[irrelevant_89]

...he stares at me as if he's madly in love with me.

That sounds like a good sign... the guy seems to have the right feelings for you. His odd reactions are probably out of fear of getting hurt again. I'm probably wrong because I know nothing of these things, and you'd be better off listening to Gigabitch or anyone else... but this is a turd I'd try to polish.

[Doc Durian]

Why not playfully say to him next time, "I so don't love you" while you're expressing your affection for him?

I have a brother who refuses to say the Love word to his long term gf and neither will she.

He calls her fat arse, she counters with whiskey prick, they go at it back and forth for a few minutes (often in front of us family) and she ends up on his lap with his arm around her, both with a lovestruck look upon their faces.

It's weird but it works for them.