How Can I End Dependent Relationship?

[argh]

I'm 27 and still with my childhood sweetheart. For years I was very, very happy and never cared about the compromises we had to make to be together. I loved being with her and she loved being with me. Over the last 3-4 years though, I've become slowly very unhappy. Somehow I feel like I've ended up in a relationship where I am more of a care giver than a boyfriend. She wants me around constantly, but seems to have no sexual feelings for me. I feel more like a comfort blanket who can be relied upon to do housework, cook her meals and keep her company.

We've been together 10 years now and I guess loads of couples reach this point, where one or both people are not happy. My problem though is that for her, our relationship is the most stable thing she has ever experienced. Her father passed away some years ago, her mother is a violent and abusive sociopath, and her relationships with other family members is strained. She has a network of very close good friends but they are scattered around the country. She feels she moved to where we live now because of me - although she never said that when we made the decision to move here, in fact she said she felt it was the best place for both of us in terms of careers.

I love this woman dearly, I want her to be happy and I always want her to be a part of my life - we've grown up together, lost our virginity together and experienced everything together, but we aren't happy together. She insists she could not cope with us being apart. I am miserable, I recently have begun having panic attacks when I think about trying to talk to her about our relationship problems and explain clearly that I am unhappy. Everytime I try, she cries so much, I can't stand seeing her so upset.

I have to break it off. I can't cope anymore. I desperately want to do this in as kind a way as possible, and to leave the door open for us to work out how to be friends. How can I do this?

[basilandthyme]

You asked in another thread how to do this nicely. The main thing to doing it nicely is to not surprise your partner with problems which they didn't know existed. Now, it sounds like you've talked through the problems and nothing has changed...so now it's time for you to find the courage to withstand her crying and begging. I know it's hard but you need to be firm and unwavering in your position. If she says things like "I can't live without you" you reply with something to the effect of "you can live without me and you will need to find a way to do so"

Lastly, continuing to have her in your life after breaking up would be incredibly selfish and cruel of you. If she's to get over you and move on with her life, you need to make a clean break.

[Wakeup]

Bite the bullet, check your own codependency issues (get help for them with therapy) and get on with your life without her in it AT ALL. Its selfish of you to want to demote her to friend when she is quite happy with being your life partner. Zero contact is counter intuitive to you but its what makes people get to the stage of indifference to one another so that they will be open in mind and heart to be able to give themselves wholly to another.

[argh]

Wow. I guess I hadn't thought of it that way - I didn't really consider that it would be better to have no contact with her. We care about each other very much - in a lot of ways I kind of feel like we've become best friends who live together. I just don't think we make sense as a romantic couple. I suppose you may be right - but the idea of telling her I don't want to see her feels worse than saying I don't want to be together - more hurtful somehow.

I don't know much about codependency to be honest - what kind of issues do you think I might have?

[basilandthyme]

It's not about "not wanting" to see her. 'Not wanting to see her' implies that she pisses you off and you just don't want to see her again.

Rather, making a choice to not see each other is about finding a path to a quicker recovery for both. It may sound like semantics, but really important to be able to tell the difference between the two.....and to explain it to her.

What kind of issues could you have? It may be easier if you tell us why you're so miserable and why it can't be fixed. Give us some background to go on.