Am I being inappropriate or is he being controlling?

[SecretlySad]

I am a very sexual person, and anytime I want to express that sexuality my bf makes me feel disgusting.

I read erotic books and he asks me why I read them. I love burlesque and he shakes his head at me. I wear a nice costume to a dress-up party, one that makes me feel incredible, and he makes me feel like garbage all night.

I have had boyfriends who liked it when other guys hit on me, liked it when I looked gorgeous and I was on their arm. But this bf seems to be the total opposite. He is insecure and jealous.

It's taken me a long time to be comfortable with myself and finally now that I am, he seems to want to keep me in a box wearing neck to knee clothing. He is addicted to porn and anytime I suggest something a little out of the ordinary sexually, he asks me what's gotten into me. I don't get it.

[vertical_sky]

I don't think it's appropriate for him to make you feel ashamed about your sexuality. Good for you for being in touch by enjoying burlesque and erotic books.

However, the costume bit and other guys' hitting on you... I think there CAN be some compromise. Yes, you should wear stuff that makes you feel incredible. But if it makes him feel shitty, then it's not a fair trade. I'm not quite sure what kind of costume it is, but it IS possible you're displaying more than MOST guys would be comfortable with. You really need to turn a critical eye on your behavior and appearance, step outside yourself and say," IS this something that is perhaps a little too risque? What message do I send when I wear this?"

Again, kudos on embracing your sexuality, but I also think it's possible to PUSH your sexuality too much. I mean, WHY are you dressing up like that? Maybe your boyfriend isn't responding to the costume itself, but your attitude... that you WANT other guys to hit on you, you want to appear sexually available. Yeah, he needs to be more secure, but you also maybe need to be more aware of his feelings. So maybe sit down and see if you can come to a compromise, one that lets you feel sexy without threatening him.

As to him looking at you crazy when you suggest something "a little out of the ordinary," I'm really not sure what you mean. I very much believe partners should be GGG, but if over dinner one night you're suddenly like "Hey by the way, I have this clay fetish," and you then go out, buy $50 worth of clay, pore it into the bathtub and expect him to jump on board.... uh.... you might be going about it in the wrong way.

So what sort of stuff are we talking here? "A little" out of the ordinary for you might mean "REALLY" out of the ordinary for him. How do you bring it up? When do you bring it up? (Hint: bringing up a kink/fetish in a *slightly* hesitant, teasing way during foreplay is great timing!) Do you ever ask what HIS fantasies are?

[Charisma]

tbh, I'd dump him.

There's a tonne of different kinds of people, and like you said, your sexual expression didn't bother other boyfriends you've had. The fact that there's books on the very things you enjoy means you're not alone in liking those things. So as far as I can see, everything you've mentioned are perfectly healthy.

The fact that he can be addicted to porn also adds to this whole contradiction and double standards I think he has about sex. Sure he might be privately sexual, but as long as you're not cheating on him and tell him so, then it's no less shameful to be sexual in a more extroverted way. It's difficult if he's not willing to at the very least respect your sexual tastes. It's a shame on him, because you sound like a pretty cool gf to have (not lessy or anything, just in case I sound like it).

Find someone more understanding?