Do not know how to make my boyfriend happy. - Feeling unappreciated

[Shortiedancer28]

Hello everyone!

I posted in here about a week or so ago, I'm back again with a new situation.

My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 2 years (will be in july). For the most part I'm happy. But lately since its summer, he has been not in the best mood because of work. I feel like this happens every summer because it does. He hates his job.

I try and I try to make him happy, and it just does not seem to be good enough. I even went to the extent saying that I would help him look for a new job a few weeks ago and his reply was "I'll think about it"

Now this morning, I text him good morning etc told him I loved him. His response was "Morning lover, ugh I hate my job it sucks sooo bad" No "Good morning, I love you" nothing. So then I proceed to tell him "Well I can still help you look for a new job, I'm pretty good at it and I don't mind helping, no pressue, I just want you to know im here for you" He said "I guess you could try"

So, i go and try, and i find a job he may be interested ( I think it is a great opportunity) I tell him about it, he said "Maybe ill go apply tomorrow, I have to think about it" Then I said "Okay, well I'll look for more later" and he just says "Okie" Not even a thank you, NOTHING. Then I just replyed back, "Well I just want you to be happy" and he says "Thanks lover"

I just feel very unappreciated anymore, granted I know hes stressed, hates his job and tired. I just don't know what to do. He is most def afraid to leave his job.... I love him I really do, and all I want is for him to be happy. But him being in his horrible mood is really making me annoyed. Anyone have any advice on how to help me in this situation, It would be greatly appreciated!

[TheEvilJester]

Is that all? Are there other specific examples of things he does to make you feel unappreciated? By the way, I don't mean to make it sound like I'm trivializing your feelings by saying "Is that all" I just mean the question sincerely. If that is basically it, then it doesn't sound to me like he doesn't appreciate you. Some people aren't the "please" and "thank you" all the time type. I know how you feel, as I have always found that a bit rude myself. But, that is just the way some people are. Often times, it isn't because they don't appreciate it. They just aren't the type to think it needs to be said all the time.

Also, at least from the little you have shared with us, it seems that his somewhat morose mood is more due to his work situation, and does not have anything to do with you. Now, I know it is frustrating that you are trying to help him with said situation and he doesn't seem motivated to actually better it. However, sometimes when you are a bit depressed, it can be hard to find motivation, even when doing so could get you out of the situation that has got you down. I've been there myself. Thankfully, I have a much better job now, but I've been in jobs where I felt like I was trapped in a dead-end and very unappreciated. You want to get out of it, but sometimes you are just too depressed to be motivated to do anything about it. So it becomes like a vicious cycle. You are depressed because of your job, but you are too depressed to look for a better job.

Hell, job searching is depressing enough in and of itself. You could practically apply to thousands of job openings that might as well be describing you, and you'll be lucky to hear back from one. You are doing the right thing by being there for him and trying to help. All you can do is hope he eventually helps himself. At some point, he does need to take responsibility and do something about it. He can't just let this defeat him forever and refuse to ever start looking. If it does drag on too long, then you would not be a bad person to have to end the relationship. When it comes right down to it, if you try to help but the person is unwilling to help themselves, then sometimes it is bad for your own health to stick around in such a situation. You deserve to be happy, not to have somebody drag you down, or to feel bad for being happy because you significant other never is (or seems to sabotage their own chances to be happy). I know that from experience.

Good luck!

[Shortiedancer28]

theeviljester I totally agree, I try to get him motivated and it just does not happen. You know what else bothers me, he downgrades himself. He only has his ass. degree, so he says "He can't do anything with that" I always say, its not true because it is, I have my bachelors degree and for a good 5 months, my degree got me no where, and then for almost a year I didn't even do a job that pertained to my degree. He is just being very stubborn. There are so many people out there who have a degree and don't even USE there degree. He never can see it my way.

[chinagirl]

He's going to a depression phase, I don't think he really means to offend you or make you feel unappreciated.

It's very difficult when someone is depressed and don't take it personally when you feel like nothing you do can make him happy. When someone is depressed, nothing or no one can really make them happy (that's why it's called "depression"). You need to be there as a supportive and understanding partner.

Now, if the depression goes too long (like over a month or so), it isn't a normal phase anymore. You need to help him get professonal help such as talk therapy and possibly some medication.

[Wakeup]

He's just a complainer in general by the sounds of it to me. Why don't you stop care-taking him and let him sink or swim after telling him (next time he complains about the job) that you don't want to hear his whine anymore and that if he really truly hated it, he'd do something to change that up.

You're not his mother and if you keep treating him like you are, he will lose sexual attraction for you. After all, who TF wants to screw their mother besides Oedipus?

Here's a link about the difference in "caregiving" and "caretaking." You might want to read it. If you understand what you're doing, you may be more easily able to stop trying to control *while mistaking it for trying to help.

[url]http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/[/url]

[dem862]

You can't MAKE him happy. You can't MAKE anybody feel anything. It comes from within. All you can do is control your own feelings, attitudes, and reactions. If he is not happy in this job, he probably won't be happy in another job. It sounds like a chronic pot smoker, who isn't smoking. They get really crabby too.

[bulrush]

Life isn't perfect, he's not perfect, and you aren't going to get appreciated every day. That's just how it is. He's really stressed out right now, so don't expect too much.

Or you could mention how much you are trying to help him and say "it would be nice if you said thank you sometimes". I'm sure he appreciates you but he isn't expressing that.

Don't take it too personally.

[Shortiedancer28]

(next time he complains about the job) that you don't want to hear his whine anymore and that if he really truly hated it, he'd do something to change that up.

wakeup, I know I'm actually getting to that point to do that. I pushed him a little, now he can do the rest, and if he doesn't then its his problem.

[surfhb]

Wake up has it right. She's like the wizard of oz.....the all knowing and powerful wizard

He needs a wake up call and you're the perfect person to do it. It may not be in your nature to throw some tough love at him but he needs to realize that he has a paying gig and it's what we humans do to survive. Period

This is straining you and your relationship...he needs to understand this

[michelle23]

My bf has had the same job since I met him and he goes through phases too of hating it and complaining etc.. it used to annoy me and eventually I would just do what wakeup suggested and say "your the only person who can change it".. I used to put so much effort into helping him with his resume, boosting his confidence, searching courses, jobs etc.. but the reality is he doesn't think hes good enough to do anything else (which isnt true) but I cant force him to see that. It really is up to him and all you can do is support him. My bf is intelligent, ambitious, so hard working, responsible. He is an asset to that company and I remind him of that every time he implies hes not good enough.

He always sees the best in me and any time I doubt myself or feel insecure-i try to see myself through his eyes. And I try to show him what I see in him when he doubts himself. One day he will have his own business doing what he does best and what hes confident in.

[Shortiedancer28]

Michelle23, Oh my! Ive done exactly the same thing!! Put so much effort into helping him with his resume, etc (everything you did) and My boyfriend is pretty much the same way as well! (his phase of really hating his job comes during the summer, because it becomes crazy busy). My boyfriend is also such an asset to his company and I don't believe he realizes it. I think I am going to be do exactly that, Ive realized he is the one who has to do this for himself. I know the only reason he won't leave is becasue he is scared. He's admit it numerous times. But sometimes you have to take risk in life and he just does not understand. I beleive any company would be so grateful to hire my boyfriend. Hes such a good hard worker and very smart as well. Glad to know im not the only one out there who is having this minor issue

[Rowen]

It does sound like he's going through a depression phase... I would try to communicate with him about how you feel and try to be understanding. Tell him that you know he's going through a lot but that you'd still like to know he cares once in a while. Short of getting him help- which I don't think he'd take kindly to with his stress- there's not much you can do but buckle down and make the best of the ride after communicating with him.. I'm sorry; I wish there was something more I could think of for you to do, but it's a sticky situation... :S

On the bright side, remind yourself this- he wouldn't respond to you if he didn't care. Be thankful he's talking to you.

[IndiReloaded]

Do not know how to make my boyfriend happy. - Feeling unappreciated

Of course you are feeling like this... because its NOT your job to make him happy. So don't.

The next time he whinges just say "oh, that's too bad. But you are a smart fellow. I'm confident you will figure something out." Then remind him about something awesome in your day and tell him to compliment you on it.

If the whinging gets to be too much, consider breaking up with him. You aren't married to him and don't owe him anything.

Life is too short to surround oneself with people who are downers and unwilling to change a situation they find intolerable. Great couples boost each other to greater heights. Negativity is infectious. Don't be one of those women who tries to find her self-worth in fixing those who won't try to lift themselves up from the dirt. You'll end up dirty and used, and you'll only have yourself to blame.

[TheEvilJester]

He's just a complainer in general by the sounds of it to me. Why don't you stop care-taking him and let him sink or swim after telling him (next time he complains about the job) that you don't want to hear his whine anymore and that if he really truly hated it, he'd do something to change that up.

You're not his mother and if you keep treating him like you are, he will lose sexual attraction for you. After all, who TF wants to screw their mother besides Oedipus?

Here's a link about the difference in "caregiving" and "caretaking." You might want to read it. If you understand what you're doing, you may be more easily able to stop trying to control *while mistaking it for trying to help.

[url]http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/[/url]

Hey, come on now. That's not entirely fair. ....

Oedipus didn't know it was his mother. LOL!

Seriously, though, back to ShortieDancer...

How long has this been going on? You mention it seems to happen every year? How long has it been happening, and how long does it tend to last before he seems happy and normal again?

I only ask because I don't think you should quickly go from being supportive to suddenly basically saying "Stop whining and do something about it." Doing that is not "tough love" doing that is being an uncaring, unsupportive jerk.

On the other hand, if this has been going on for a long time and he never does anything about it, then I would agree you start to get a little less supportive and a little more tough love. Maybe just start by slowly saying "I know. I understand how you feel. But, really you are the only one who can change that." At that point, stop helping him and let him do it himself.

If that still doesn't help after a while, then is the time to start being more harsh if that is what is needed. Unfortunately, if it gets to that point, chances are he still won't do anything about it, and he'll just see you as heartless and unsupportive. If that is the case, that is fine. Dump his @$$ at that point and let him think whatever the Hell he wants. You will know the truth.

Trust me, I've been there. I was married to a woman who could NEVER be happy no matter what she had handed to her in life. Mind you, I didn't discover this about her until we were married. She would constantly be depressed, yet NEVER do anything about it. Yet, I spent way too long being supportive and there for her and bending over backwards to do whatever I could to help. In return, I only got treated like garbage for it. Slowly, it became harder and harder to care to the point where I got to that tough love stage. And you know what.... she still didn't learn a damn thing. Instead, she selectively forgets all the time I spent bending over backwards doing anything I could to help, and chooses to remember only the time when I'd finally had enough.

I'm divorced now, and SO happy to be out of that relationship. Hopefully you can learn from my story. If things get THAT bad, do not let him drag you down with him. You deserve to be happy too.

Still, he needs to do something to better his own situation, and if he actually DOES make steps to do so, then you should support him in that. Remember, also, that if he does start to try, it may take time for anything to work out for him. So, don't expect him to instantly get better. It may take time, but as long as he is making steps to make it work, that is what is important. So, I wouldn't personally recommend you completely do an instant 180 on him and stop being supportive. More of a gradual change if he still refuses to do anything.

[michelle23]

Michelle23, Oh my! Ive done exactly the same thing!! Put so much effort into helping him with his resume, etc (everything you did) and My boyfriend is pretty much the same way as well! (his phase of really hating his job comes during the summer, because it becomes crazy busy). My boyfriend is also such an asset to his company and I don't believe he realizes it. I think I am going to be do exactly that, Ive realized he is the one who has to do this for himself. I know the only reason he won't leave is becasue he is scared. He's admit it numerous times. But sometimes you have to take risk in life and he just does not understand. I beleive any company would be so grateful to hire my boyfriend. Hes such a good hard worker and very smart as well. Glad to know im not the only one out there who is having this minor issue

Sometimes though you gotta see the bigger picture. We are in the middle of a very scary recession. It is risky and scary to leave a secure company where you are "safe" then to risk leaving and going on probation for 6months in a new company where they are possibly only looking for someone temporary during a busy period.

My bf works full time, he works hard, our bills are paid, food on the table, money left over for date nights etc.. sometimes you just got to be thankful for what you have. And everyone has a bad day sometimes. Some days I freaking hate my job. Other days I am happy enough in there..

These days were lucky to have a job. When the time is right-he will spread his wings. Just let him do it his way. Men need to know you are proud of them and you appreciate the hard work they do. Its what makes them feel like a man-you know the whole provider thing so next time hes pissing you off complaining-use it as an excuse to drag him to bed for an hour that will take his mind off it

This week I am soo sick with the flu, in bed feeling sorry for myself and I feel blessed that I can afford to take a few days off because my bf is working over time (its really busy in his company right now too).