Terrible, terrible week. I don't know what to do please help.

[WaiKru]

My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago and I worked my butt off to make it work again. We did get back together, and since then have been doing absolutely fantastic. Talking about getting an apartment together and everything shes been extremely enthusiastic about the relationship. But Wednesday morning she comes over and decides to go to the gym with me. So we head down there and I start doing a workout, and while I'm training, she goes through my phone and spots a text conversation I was having with a buddy of mine. Any guy will tell you that girls just don't really understand guy talk. And thats exactly what him and I were doing...guy talk...about other girls. He was talking about trying to date two girls at once and how it would have so many benefits and it would be so great blah blah blah. I was just being a guy and going with the flow and joking about doing it too. And to top that off there was another convo in there with a female friend that I work with (who is a lesbian) and she was saying I need to come into work because she misses me and I was like "oh I'll be in thursday haha I miss you too!". I really thought nothing of either conversation, because I didn't put any meaning to it, and to me it was all just talk. Big mistake because to her it was dead serious, and now shes not buying that it was a joke and just bs. And on top of that she tells me she had a gut feeling somethings been going on because I've been "weird the past week or so"....? News to me.

So now I don't know what to do. I really care about this girl, and I don't want a text misunderstanding to ruin a relationship I was beginning to plan my life around. I love her a lot. We've been together for 4 years (not counting a few on and off areas), and to blow that over something like this is killing me. But she is just not having any of it when I try to explain things to her. She was in a fit of anger and even hit me and just completely flew off the handle. There seems to be no getting through to her and I'm at a complete loss of what to do...Any advice? I'm willing to go to great lengths to make this work

PS. Since then, she's been randomly texting me just to yell at me. If I leave her alone for too long I get a berating text message, but then she doesn't want to hear my explaination when I respond, and ends up telling me to leave her alone.....then texts me again hours later or the next day.

PSS. We've broken up and gotten back together probably about 4 times over the course of the relationship. In the past I had an issue with lying an that was the cause of each separation, but I fixed that and we were ready to move forward strong this time. And up until this, we were. Now my past does not help my case here at all, but the God honest truth is that everything was misunderstood and I didn't do anything this time. I'm kind of in a boy-who-cried-wolf situation, but I know there's got to be a way. I can't let the girl I love slip away on a mix up.

[hello1]

I can understand why she got angry, I would have done too and have done at my boyfriend. Your relationship is pretty fragile at the moment and those text messages she properly saw as disrespect, also put in the lies you told in the past and her mind working in overdrive. Don't send messages like that because they are disrespectful to the person you are with even if it is a joke. Don't flirt with other women, it doesn't matter if they are straight or not. I think she will come round if you keep explain yourself and tell her you won't do it again if it hurts her so badly. Give it time

[kitkitkitty]

to me, there's some fault on both parts. idk what you lied about in the past but it must've been quite bad. this lesbian girl at work... if you've been together for 4 years and you're mate, you must have mentioned her at some point right? has she ever been the reason for past problems. on the 'lads' convo, it must've looked quite bad but she should know that you were joking. has the situation of 2 girls at the same time ever come up in your relationship with this girl? cos she'd take it worse if it has.

[lahnnabell]

Hmm... your history of lying doesn't exactly put you in the best light right now. This is why I hate liars. If they get away with it for too long, and you find out about it anyway, everything else starts to look like a lie. It destroys trust. If she trusted you, she most likely woudn't have gone through your phone.

[Kyouhen]

You guys are being really tough on the guy, I mean you can't say being a guy and talking with your guys in that way is wrong, I mean the way you talk about your significant other is different but if your just messing it should be fine.

Women and men both gossip it's just different.

And true if you lied in the past it'll make it hard for her to trust you now, despite how well things are going, but if your both willing to move on from the past then BOTH parties have to let it go, not forget it but respect the other person and believe in their change.

The lesbian friend thing can be viewed poorly just because it's another woman, but honestly that's just another misunderstanding.

Personally I would try to fix things, but it is also her fault for feeling this way but delving into your privacy and assuming on the things she saw.

She is at fault as well.

I'm not saying start a fight with her, but you don't have to feel one sided on the subject, just dont bring it up in an argument or point as an excuse for the situation.

Reassure her with the best way you know how, and let her know how serious you are about her, and that might mean giving up some stuff for a short while till you both can fully mature into your latest relationship

[kitkitkitty]

You guys are being really tough on the guy, I mean you can't say being a guy and talking with your guys in that way is wrong, I mean the way you talk about your significant other is different but if your just messing it should be fine.

Women and men both gossip it's just different.

And true if you lied in the past it'll make it hard for her to trust you now, despite how well things are going, but if your both willing to move on from the past then BOTH parties have to let it go, not forget it but respect the other person and believe in their change.

The lesbian friend thing can be viewed poorly just because it's another woman, but honestly that's just another misunderstanding.

Personally I would try to fix things, but it is also her fault for feeling this way but delving into your privacy and assuming on the things she saw.

She is at fault as well.

I'm not saying start a fight with her, but you don't have to feel one sided on the subject, just dont bring it up in an argument or point as an excuse for the situation.

Reassure her with the best way you know how, and let her know how serious you are about her, and that might mean giving up some stuff for a short while till you both can fully mature into your latest relationship

we're not being tough we're telling him how we see it. and it's plain to see that there's fault on both sides. it's just that he's lied about something and he has to deal with the side effects that may have lasted this long into their relationship.

[Kyouhen]

True realistically it will have it's effect but like I said, if they want to move on with their relationship, they will have to move on from that, it's tough but you can't hold your significant others' past faults against them if they want to move ahead in a realationship

[kitkitkitty]

i'm not 100% sure that she's sure if she wants to get back with him for whatever reason. im only young but im not sure i'd want to be in a relationship where i'd want to get back together after breaking up. something was obviously bad enough for a decision to have been taken. surely if it were truely solvable it would've been done with no break-up. but that's just me. but i agree that she should be able to move im sure he's done the same for her in the past. but i think there comes a point where you have to say enough's enough.

[Kyouhen]

I agree there is a limit, now we just gotta wait and see what actions he took and how she responded to find out what their feelings are, that is if he does a follow up

[WaiKru]

Wow! Thank you all very much for the responses. I've posted in other relationship forums before and never gotten this kind of feedback.

Perhaps I should go into more detail about some things. I'm a security guard at a club that has a primarily gay/lesbian crowd. A lot of my coworkers are also gay/lesbian. Now as I've worked there over the months I've come to learn that this crowd of people in general has a very sexual undertone to many of their jokes and conversations. They all know I'm straight, but I'm an easy going guy and we joke around none the less. We all hug when we say hi and say we'll miss each other, etc. But it's all in good fun to us because we know we're all kidding around. My ex on the other hand does not really understand this type of thing. She's not a big partier and just doesn't get exposed to these things like I do (I'm not a partier either but working at a club; I have no choice but to be around it).

Also, my past history with girls isn't exactly flawless. I am a kickboxer and keep myself in very good shape for fights. I've also been told I'm attractive. SO.....I have had a problem with other girls hitting on me throughout our relationship and just generally being attracted to me. And I have occasionally flirted back. Stupid. I know. I've never cheated on her, but she's found out about the flirting every time and I think she may suspect more was going on. Although this is in the past, I don't in any way justify it. I was completely in the wrong and since getting back together the last time I made every effort I could to be 100% honest with her, and shoot down any other girls right off the bat so there was no confusion.

But then she sees these texts from a coworker and friend and misunderstands them. Pile that on top of my history, and I have some poor odds stacked against me here. But I do have some things going for me. I was her first serious boyfriend. We were both each other's first time having sex. We've vacationed together and just generally have a very very long history. We were together for basically all of our high school careers. 5 years is tough to just block out or throw away. Although she's very mad and said some very mean things (she's said everything from "I hate you and never want to speak again" to "I hope you fall off a bridge"), I can't help but feel like the insults are forced, just to appear mean. They're very uncharacteristic of her and seem to be just coming from anywhere she can think of.

She does have a quick temper and often blows up, only to quickly realize how silly she was for doing so. This is not towards me specifically, it's just in general. She has also told me all these things before (knock on wood), but no matter what we do we always seem to find our way back around to each other. We can both be single, both try to date other people, both try not to speak, etc. But the minute any kind of civil communication starts, it just escalates to flirting and getting back together. We're basically the type of people who can't associate with each other without flirting. I'm just praying that I haven't used up all my lifelines so to speak.

As far as progress goes; there really hasn't been any. Today she left for the beach with her dad's side of the family (a vacation that I was supposed to go with her on). I sent her a short text saying that I hope she has a good week and enjoys relaxing. She responded angrily as expected. I'm hoping her time at the beach helps her cool off and think about some things, but I can't be sure. Where should I go from here?

(Thank you again to everyone who's posted advice)

[lahnnabell]

Wow! Thank you all very much for the responses. I've posted in other relationship forums before and never gotten this kind of feedback.

Perhaps I should go into more detail about some things. I'm a security guard at a club that has a primarily gay/lesbian crowd. A lot of my coworkers are also gay/lesbian. Now as I've worked there over the months I've come to learn that this crowd of people in general has a very sexual undertone to many of their jokes and conversations. They all know I'm straight, but I'm an easy going guy and we joke around none the less. We all hug when we say hi and say we'll miss each other, etc. But it's all in good fun to us because we know we're all kidding around. My ex on the other hand does not really understand this type of thing. She's not a big partier and just doesn't get exposed to these things like I do (I'm not a partier either but working at a club; I have no choice but to be around it).

Okay. You work at a club. And they all like to make sex jokes at work. Perhaps you should refrain from saving any texts you get from coworkers unless it is strictly business. Unless you want your girlfriend to find more of them when she goes snooping again.

Also, my past history with girls isn't exactly flawless. I am a kickboxer and keep myself in very good shape for fights. I've also been told I'm attractive. SO.....I have had a problem with other girls hitting on me throughout our relationship and just generally being attracted to me. And I have occasionally flirted back. Stupid. I know. I've never cheated on her, but she's found out about the flirting every time and I think she may suspect more was going on. Although this is in the past, I don't in any way justify it. I was completely in the wrong and since getting back together the last time I made every effort I could to be 100% honest with her, and shoot down any other girls right off the bat so there was no confusion.

The fact that you can't get away with casually flirting leads me to believe you're doing something wrong here. Everyone flirts, but it is very uncool if you're making it so blatant that your SO finds out about it. I know my boyfriend flirts with other women, but I don't have to see or hear about it. That's fine.

But then she sees these texts from a coworker and friend and misunderstands them. Pile that on top of my history, and I have some poor odds stacked against me here. But I do have some things going for me. I was her first serious boyfriend. We were both each other's first time having sex. We've vacationed together and just generally have a very very long history. We were together for basically all of our high school careers. 5 years is tough to just block out or throw away. Although she's very mad and said some very mean things (she's said everything from "I hate you and never want to speak again" to "I hope you fall off a bridge"), I can't help but feel like the insults are forced, just to appear mean. They're very uncharacteristic of her and seem to be just coming from anywhere she can think of.

Having such a history tends to mean nothing when lies crop up. Lies are like poison to a relationship. They slowly seep into what was once a healthy, balanced organism and destroys it. You can't trust someone who tells lies, and those with a history of lying are difficult to trust. You made your own bed with this one.

She does have a quick temper and often blows up, only to quickly realize how silly she was for doing so. This is not towards me specifically, it's just in general. She has also told me all these things before (knock on wood), but no matter what we do we always seem to find our way back around to each other. We can both be single, both try to date other people, both try not to speak, etc. But the minute any kind of civil communication starts, it just escalates to flirting and getting back together. We're basically the type of people who can't associate with each other without flirting. I'm just praying that I haven't used up all my lifelines so to speak.

This is nothing new. Of course you guys get back together when you start talking again. The attraction is still there. When you break up there needs to be A LOT of space. Anybody who tries to "stay friends" after breaking up is kidding themselves.

As far as progress goes; there really hasn't been any. Today she left for the beach with her dad's side of the family (a vacation that I was supposed to go with her on). I sent her a short text saying that I hope she has a good week and enjoys relaxing. She responded angrily as expected. I'm hoping her time at the beach helps her cool off and think about some things, but I can't be sure. Where should I go from here?

Stop texting her or calling her. Let her cool off this week and talk to her when she returns home.

[WaiKru]

The fact that you can't get away with casually flirting leads me to believe you're doing something wrong here. Everyone flirts, but it is very uncool if you're making it so blatant that your SO finds out about it. I know my boyfriend flirts with other women, but I don't have to see or hear about it. That's fine.

Well I definitely was doing something wrong. I shouldn't have been doing it in the first place.

Having such a history tends to mean nothing when lies crop up. Lies are like poison to a relationship. They slowly seep into what was once a healthy, balanced organism and destroys it. You can't trust someone who tells lies, and those with a history of lying are difficult to trust. You made your own bed with this one.

It can't count for nothing though. We've done so many things together that there's really no where in our area that doesn't remind us of one another. And she's admitted that in the past when we were on breaks she was constantly reminded of me and started to miss me. Don't you think that after the initial anger subsides good memories will start to resurface?

This is nothing new. Of course you guys get back together when you start talking again. The attraction is still there. When you break up there needs to be A LOT of space. Anybody who tries to "stay friends" after breaking up is kidding themselves.

Well I'm not trying to get over her so I don't want to completely remove myself from her life. Perhaps for a while so things can cool off and we can have some separation, but I want to work things out and get back together.

Stop texting her or calling her. Let her cool off this week and talk to her when she returns home.

This is a very good idea and was what I had in mind.

Her younger sister (16yrs old) is also very angry at me for this. Even though it's not really her business, I can understand that she's concerned about her sister. She posted on facebook "Just arrived at the beach with the newly single and happy sister! watch out OC...". Did she do this just because they know I'll see it? Ugh I hate this whole situation...

[Kyouhen]

Well from what I read, I don't think any of it is break-up worthy atleast if things have been going well, and despite your lying in the past (EVERYONE LIES OMGOSH MY VIRGIN EARS) the snooping and auto-suspicion then getting broken up over it, its all extreme and personally I think your the victim in this situation.

Yes she has reasons for acting this way, BUT it does not excuse her poor behavior, like I said relationships require trust, and despite what has happened, if she can't truly trust you and will always be suspiscious you might be better off without her.

I think it sucks to lose all those important memories, or pretend they dont even exist especially 5 years worth. But if your really being good and trying and she isn't trusting you then there is a major problem.

None of us know exactly what you did, but honestly if it's harmless texting and her suspicions are from SPYING on your phone, then she is at fault.

You don't jump into a sea of needles and expect to come out fine.

[WaiKru]

Holy hell...some of her friends that go to the club might now be spreading a rumor that I'm a "player" and always dance with girls and hit on them at work. Security isn't even allowed to dance at work! Ugh I just wish I could figure out what the hell to do here. Should I just go no contact for a few weeks (another forum preaches this religiously, but I've never been sure)? It appears she's going to have people whispering bad things about me in her ear now. So if I break contact and she only has them to listen to am I pretty much screwed?

I'm sorry I sound so frantic but I'm just really scared. This is the girl I wanted to start my life with...there's got to be a way I can't let her go.

[Kyouhen]

well most people will tell you to give her space, but i'm gonna say do the opposite and let her know how serious you are about her, if there are people that are going to nay say you and will try to ruin you for her, then you need to show that you are better than that and that YOU truly want to be with her, that means you might have to do some seriously extreme romantic crap, like go down and see her and some sickeningly sweet kind of deed to win her back