Need relationship advice...please

[ballerinagrl89]

First off, I would like to say hello. I am new to the board and it seems like everyone helps each other out here so hopefully someone can give me some relationship advice.

There's this guy that I've known and have been best friends with for about 3 years. We're very close and sometimes I feel like he's my other half. We have ventured into the bf/gf status about a year and a half ago, but it has been on again and off again type of relationship. We get along great, and have plenty of things in common, yet his personality is completely opposite of mine. Anyways, he was let go from his job about 3 months ago, and is leaving to move back home to Illinois since his lease on his apartment is up. He figures he would live at home until he gets back on his feet and finds a new job. For the past month he's been pretty irritable and very distant with me. His calls became less and less, and the only times we would get together was if I called him to spend time with me. If I didn't put forth the effort then he doesn't respond. To make matters worse, a couple of weeks ago at dinner he told me that he wants to break up and be just friends yet he still has feelings for me. His reason was because he was leaving soon and doesn't want to be in a relationship. My heart felt like it shattered into a hundred pieces and knowing that he has a couple of weeks left with me makes me so depressed. I'm so confused with his signals. Some days I'll stay over his place and he'll kiss and cuddle with me, then other days we'll be watching tv on his couch and he feels uncomfortable and asks me to move when I put my head on his shoulder or snuggle up to him. One night I took that risk and told him that I loved him and that I still wanted to work on our relationship even if it has to be long distance because I didn't want to lose him, nor his friendship, which means the world to me. However he said no and just wants a friend right now.

Sometimes I feel like he really doesn't care that he's leaving me. Others tell me that if he cared or loved me he would make every effort to try to spend time with me before he goes. But he doesn't call or ask me to hang out. Right now it feels like a one-way friendship with me putting forth all the effort. We'll hang out and spend time together during the week only when I ask him to. Buy every weekend I ask him to hang out, he says he's busy packing, or that he is going home for the weekend to start moving stuff. Thus with work and school taking up most of my time during the week it's hard to spend time with him when he's not around on the weekends. I just feel like he doesn't care about me and doesn't truly want to spend time with me anymore. He doesn't share his feelings with me. He just doesn't respond if I tell him my feelings deep down. He wants me to respect his wishes and just be his friend but never tells me why. He used to be so affectionate with me and tell me he loves me, but now with the snap of a finger he doesn't want to be with me, and won't kiss me. Some days If I tell him how I feel and that I'm going to miss him so much he will give me a short hug and say I'm sorry, but won't kiss me or comfort me. Other days he'll give me a long affectionate kiss and hold me to tell me it'll all work out. When he's distant I don't know what I did wrong and the fact that he doesn't tell me makes me think less of myself because maybe it's because of something that I did but have no idea what.

My biggest fear is that I'll never see him again if he finds a job in a different state other than the one I live in. And that scares me to death. He says that we'll see each other again in case he comes back to interview for jobs in my area, but there's a big part of me that believes he won't contact me considering he doesn't typically call or text me to hang out now that he hasn't left yet. I don't know why I torture myself being around him and still wanting more than friendship. My friends keep telling me to move on, but how do I throw away 3 years of friendship and not care anymore? Some days he's affectionate with me and says he loves me and wishes he doesn't have to leave, then other days he acts platonic and just wants friendship. I'm so confused. I still love him and I feel like a part of my heart will be gone forever when he moves away. Someone help me please. I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. I'm dreading the day he leaves because I feel like I will just start crying and won't be able to be strong like I know I should. Please help

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks again.

[ballerinagrl89]

Oh and to add to my post above...how do I act around him? I know I still have feelings for him, but I don't want to do or say anything that will push him away even further (he shuts down whenever there's conflict). I'd hate to push him away even further when he already seems so far away.

[haxan]

Let him make his decisions and live his life. If he has feelings for you, he will keep in close contact. If not, he doesn't. You can't change that or will it to happen.

[searock]

I think you should start treating him the way he treats you. Find other friends and interests, stop pestering him with unwanted attention. If he wants you, he'll realize soon enough and he'll come looking for you. Otherwise, it wasn't meant to be and you'll be glad you kept your dignity by not following him around like a puppy.