love sucks. here's my story...

[tbo27]

Okay. So. Me and my girlfriend broke up today. I'll give the rundown of what happened, and if anybody has been through somethin like this or has any advice based on my little story here, I could really use it. Here goes..

So I met this girl at my work in august. We had talked actually talked a few times before, and knew who each other were, but never actually 'formally' met. We started hanging out a couple times a week, and very quickly realized that we loved being around each other. I mean, I get nervous as hell around girls. I'm not exactly the 'ladies man' type. But with her, I could tell immediately that it was different. I was comfortable around her. I had fun with her. We could talk. And most of all, I could tell she felt the same way. It was incredible.

So by the very end of October, we started dating. And man, it was amazing. Almost from the day that we started dating, we were around each other allll the time. She would stay at my place, we would hang out all day, and then we'd do it again. I didn't realize then that this was probably a bad idea... because at the time it was awesome.

Time went on, and as it did we realized more and more how perfect we were for each other. I mean, we are pretty much the same exact person when it comes down to it. So much so that it's almost scary in a way. We were raised the same, have the same beliefs, are struggling with the same things, and think the same way in general. Even small things like our personality traits are so similar that it's ridiculous. I know a lot of people say this type of thing, but I don't believe I'll ever find somebody as much like me as her.

Now for the part where it starts going downhill. Around probably February (about 4 months in), we started fighting over stupid stuff. From things like me smoking cigarettes, one of us being late for something, even one sentence that one of us said to the other began being taken the wrong way or causing a fight for some reason that it really shouldn't. This caused us to sort of start treating each other with less respect than a couple should. We became more like bickering little siblings, fighting about stupid things. But what's awesome is that we would talk about it, every time. We both knew that it was happening, and would have talks about wanting to fix it. A big part of it, at least for me, was me feeling like I had no time to myself. So we talked about that, and although she didn't like being away from me for very long and had a hard time understanding why I wanted to sleep alone some nights, she respected it. And spending a little less time together has helped a little bit, at least for me. I've felt less 'trapped' than I was beginning to. Unfortunately, it didn't stop the constant stupid fights where we took cheap shots at each other just to win an argument that was dumb in the first place. And since we are exactly the same person, we both would argue our points until we were going in circles, both of us having too much pride and not enough humility to let things go. Maybe me more than her, i don't know.

But now it's June, going on 8 months together. Last night we were drinking at my place, and I got wasted. I ended up being a jerk to her, and we got in a fight. What sucks is that I knew I was being a jerk, just like I always do. And I hated myself for it, just like I always do. It just seems that right now I have so much I'm dealing with in my life that I'm somewhat depressed and self-loathing, and I take it out on her in fight-form. I know it, I hate it, and it's been hard to stop it. But I've been working on it.

Unfortunately though, last night was the final straw for her. She told me that she thinks we need time apart, so that she can fix things about herself. She said that she knows she's immature right now, and that she treats me ways that she doesn't want to, and wants to have time to "grow up" so that we can have a healthy relationship. I was drunk, she was angry, so she then left and went back home last night.

This morning I woke up sober, and didn't remember much. So we talked on the phone, and she explained it all to me again. And my heart sank. I love her more than myself, more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. She told me that she doesn't want to date anyone else, she just wants to be alone so that she can have time to herself. She says she knows that we're meant to be together, and that she does want to be with me, but can't until she figures herself out first. I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm the reason she thinks she's immature, because I pretty much tell her that directly sometimes. Unfortunately, it's me that's immature, and needs to grow up. I even told her I thought it was a good idea for us to take a couple weeks apart to cool off and appreciate each other more, but she said that's not enough. She wanted to break up completely, and see what happens. So we did, about 3 hours ago. I don't know what to do.

So if you've read this far, thank you so much. And if you could let me know your opinion on this, I would really, really appreciate it. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have been an asshole to her and taken advantage of being with her, but this has completely opened up my eyes. The only problem is that I don't know if it's too late to show that to her. I also don't know how long I should wait for her, because this isn't the first time a girl has said this to me. But I feel like this is different. I feel like she is beyond the perfect girl for me, and that we could easily last together forever. Cheesy, maybe. But it's how I actually feel, and how she has (at least previously) felt. She even told me that today... that we're perfect for each other. I just don't know what to do now.

So here's the question then I guess. What do I do to show her that I was an asshole, that not everything's her fault, that I want to be with her more than anything, and that we really are meant to be (even though she says she knows it, which I believe). And how do I act during this break to make everything turn out okay... and how long should I wait?

This isn't easy.

[Teddy057]

Alright man, these are the beginning stages of a break up. Yes, you BROKE UP, try and come to terms with that. First off, I would like to say, if it's meant to be, it will happen again. Now, the only way to see if it was meant to be, is to take time to yourself, try and understand what went wrong, why you acted the ways you did, try and get a better grasp of yourself and actions.

"I feel like I'm the reason she thinks she's immature, because I pretty much tell her that directly sometimes." Honestly, she probably is immature, and you are too. How old are the both of you? And what happened to make you say she's immature?

When my ex, yes ex, went on our first break to "figure" things out, it really didn't solve much but make me go crazy. Please don't make that same mistake of completely going ape shit, as I'm sure you probably will. You need to take a few deep breaths and really understand this isn't the end of the world, you haven't lost her for good yet. Also, understand that breaks USUALLY don't work. Rarely do people change, and the same issues will continue to come out.

Whenever a girl/woman says she "needs to figure herself out" that can mean anything from sleeping around to understand what she truly wants... In your case, it sounds like she just wants to know why she argues with you so much, and why she can't "grow up" as she said. Again, age is a big factor in this. Once I find out how old the both of you are I can get a better understanding.

I made the same mistake of smothering one another for almost a year in my past relationship because of how "In Love" we were with each other. That isn't a healthy relationship!!! You must maintain friends outside a relationship, spend time apart, remember this quote when trying to understand a healthy relationship, ""Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."

We are here for ya man, post as much as you want and we will all try and help out and give advice. Try and stay calm, it will all be okay

[tbo27]

First of all, thanks for the honest thought-out reply. It helps a lot.

As far as age goes, I'm 21 and she's 19. So ya, we're both still pretty young, both in college. But we've also both had relationships before, so this isn't a 15 year old highschool freshman relationship kind of thing. But i suppose it's also not an 'im ready to get married tomorrow' type of thing either. I'm still a couple years away from wanting that, and same with her.

As for what made me call her immature.. well.. a couple different things. For instance, her being just out of highschool (one year of college done now) and me being (or should be) almost out of college. Don't get me wrong, I never exactly said the words "you are immature", but one of our recurring stupid fights for example was about me spending too much money on fast food. She would tell me not to, and I know that I shouldn't and get angry at myself as it is for doing it, so when she would tell me that I'd get upset sometimes. And possibly tell her that she "doesn't know what it's like". Same thing goes for when I'm strapped for money for my rent, her saying "well you shouldn't spend so much money on (insert stuff here)", and me saying she doesn't know what it's like to pay for your own place, bills, meals, etc. (Shes in a dorm).

Also, the snappy low-blow insults whenever we would start bickering. We'd both do it, and in that sense I said that we were both immature, and need to stop making each other feel stupid and saying things to hurt each other just to make a point in an argument. For example, I got to her house late one time for something, felt like shit about it, and when I got there she immediately was disappointed and made me feel worse about it before I could even say anything. Which escalated to me not wanting to apologize because she was being a jerk, and then both of us being jerks to each other and not just letting it go. Stupid, yes. But that's the type of thing that would happen. And every time we'd talk about it, it'd be okay, we'd be all love-y again for a day or two and then another stupid fight would come out of nowhere. And we'd go in circles.

A lot of it was my fault. Like i said in my other post, I was starting to feel "trapped" because we were together so much. I think that I was also scared because I've never been in a relationship like this before. Never one quite this long, and never one where I cared about someone this much and sincerely felt like she could possibly be the one. And just thinking about marriage is scary for me, which is why I never brought it up and we never talked about it. I think that may have been why I would argue with her.. because I was scared of the commitment of being with her forever. But now that this break up is happening, it's a complete eye-opener. And I realize that I've been an ass, that I will never find someone like her again, that it's my fault that I may have pushed her away and that there may be nothing I can do about it.

Anyway, she's coming by in a couple hours to get her stuff from my apartment. I want to talk to her one last time when she does. I'm thinking of just telling her that I'm sorry, that this is eye-opening for me, and that I feel like we can make it work. But I don't know if it would be a good idea to ask her for 'one more chance' or not. And I don't mean groveling and begging, just stating with a smile that I will never treat her that way again and that I'd love to have one more chance. What do you think.. worth a shot? Or will it just push her away even more?

Thanks again man... and sorry I'm typing novels here.

Oh and if anyone else has any advice... the more the merrier.

[Teddy057]

Alright man, we're in the same age group then. My experience with 19 year old girls is, they don't know what the hell they want. She's still a teenager man, a TEEN. Not to mention, she's living in a dorm, surrounded by tons of new people, maybe she wants to try the single thing for a while.

"And I realize that I've been an ass, that I will never find someone like her again, that it's my fault that I may have pushed her away and that there may be nothing I can do about it. " I've been in that boat, and trust me, you can meet someone like her again, and even build a stronger relationship then you've ever had. Because, you have experience under your belt, you know what works and what ends in failure.

As for reaching out for one last attempt, that's your choice. Just understand, she may totally deny you and leave your pride shattered for a while. From experience, I would say not to bother. If anything, put on a show, don't let her know how bad you're hurting, let her get her stuff, say your final goodbye, try and hold the tears back, and go from there.

Think about it, would you wanna be with someone balling their eyes out saying "take me back!! Im soooo sorry!!!" No, that's just pathetic. Don't do that. It will make her think a lot less of you. Trust me.
If she wants to sit down and talk about "fixing" things, then go from there, if she wants wants to grab her belongings and leave, then don't try and stop her.

[SweetGurl21]

So, I read as much as I could which was all of your first post.

Umm sounds like you're both immature. But I do believe that if it's meant to be you will be together. Fisrt off in order to truly "LOVE" somebody you need to love yourself. I'm 21 and with a 29 year old, we've been together for 3 yrs in July, we've been friends for 6 yrs and counting.

If you have some personal issues you need to work out and priorities you need to work on (ie; financial situation) seek out help from a counsellor ..... they DO I help. I do agree that you shouldn't be spending money on fast food and stuff like that all the time when you have rent to pay. Once in a while maybe but not all the time. Why don't you set yourself up a budget plan? Figure out how much your rent is, your bills are, how much you make and how much extra you have leftover and then try to hit sales at grocery stores and pre-make things for yourself that way you can just grab and go BUT it's something you've already made.

On the subject of the girl, it sounds like you guys are pretty compatable but at the sametime clash on alot of things. I would give her her space do what you gotta do and let her do what she has to do for herself. Be her friend and be there for her. You gotta learn to be friends with each other before jumping into a relationship and getting serious. Be friends for a bit, get to know each other in different ways (if possible). Go for lunch or coffee. And then after a while I would ask her if she wants to try again.

A womans point of veiw. We want someone we can talk to, hang out with and be comfortable around not someone who's going to call us names and make us feel bad about ourselves or the relationship.

Hope this helps, sorry I'm kinda brain dead right now say much more then that lol