thinking it's time to end it

[jon]

i have been been with my wife since 1998, and married for almost 4 years. obviously, when we were in college, we had a fair amount of sex. it has died off considerably over the last couple of years. in fact, last time we had sex was about 14 months ago, when we conceived out first child. even that wasn't "special." she seemed to want to rush it along. before that, it was rare as well. seems as though she is not attracted to me anymore. she always say i look cute in this and that, but when it comes toime for "romance," it's too hot or cold or early or late. when i ask her about it, she gives no real answer, and says don't be mean. i love her, and i'm sure she loves me, but i feel more of a convience than a husband. looking for some advice. is this enough to call it quits on?

[Asip4u]

IMO, it's not enough to call it quits. Every relationship goes through rough times and it's way too easy to just give up and look for change. Work on it together and find something that will bring back those old days. I'm sure some of those who are/were actually married can give more insight so i'll leave it at that.

[jon]

i tell her how attractive she is and such, and we spend plenty of time on vacations without the baby, and it just seems as though there is no sexual interest. she doesn't "like" to be touched on the chest or anywhere else intimate, and rarely do i get to even see her naked anymore. i tried to get her to ttake a bath with me, to no avail. she is on the pill(not sure why), and when we were at the supermarket the other day, i asked if we should grab condoms, and she said the pill is enough. IMO, that is overkill, because you can't get pregnant if you don't have sex. REALLY FRUSTRATED.

[alice]

dear jon,
a lot of women lose interest in sex after having a baby, as far as i know. but 14 months, man … sounds like you're really in trouble. if you want to keep your relationship going, you oughta get some professional help!

(or haven't you talked to your wife yet? – i don't mean the "don't be mean"-thing, but have you asked her why? and told her how you feel about it? – if not, try that out first)

[jon]

dear jon,
a lot of women lose interest in sex after having a baby, as far as i know. but 14 months, man … sounds like you're really in trouble. if you want to keep your relationship going, you oughta get some professional help!

(or haven't you talked to your wife yet? – i don't mean the "don't be mean"-thing, but have you asked her why? and told her how you feel about it? – if not, try that out first)

seems as though she lost interest before the baby. out of the blue one day, she decided she wanted a baby. that was really the only reason we had sex. as soon as she found out she was pregnant, we were "done" again. we occasionally "dry hump," but when she is done, "WE" are done as well. i try to remove some layers and she either crunches up, or rolls over or such.

[alice]

just find out WHY! …*doesn't she fancy YOU anymore? or is it MEN she doesn't fancy? or did something traumatic happen to her (lately or childhood)? … it is NOT normal in a young woman to have no "bodily needs" at all. professional help, as i said before.

[alice]

p.s. to my last posting: i'm not very fond of psychotherapy myself. if she isn't either, you shouldn't insist – noone can be helped if he/she doesn't want to.

[vashti]

The pill is very well known to diminish sex drive, and yes - babies do, too. (The baby bit may take as long to get over as it takes for the baby to become less dependent on mommy.) However, lack of desire is no reason for her to cut you off entirely. I do think that because you are married, she has some obligation to perform at least minimally, unless she is having some sort of discomfort, which is a medical issue.

I suggest she talk to her gynecologist about the pill. It could just be that she needs a weaker dosage. If she loves you, maybe she could just fake it for a while until her own sexual impulse returns.

By the way, I am assuming you don't suck in bed, because if you do, that would require a whole different answer.

[alice]

I do think that because you are married, she has some obligation to perform at least minimally, unless she is having some sort of discomfort, which is a medical issue.

come on, tell me you're joking, PLEASE!

[vashti]

Well, "obligation to perform" may have been worded too strongly, but certainly there is an obligation to seek some sort of compromise or solution. Why should a man feel motivated to stay married to a woman who absolutely disregards his physical needs?

I can't help but wonder, though, if her lack of desire isn't partially tied to his lack of skill...

[alice]

that's why i think it's so important they find out WHY she doesn't regard his physical needs anymore (the pill thing's a good clue, though it never did that to me, the baby bit – i don't know, since he said, it'd started before she was even pregnant) – only after that they can start to think about a solution. (which, in the worst case, might be a divorce after all)

[funsounds]

I can't help but wonder, though, if her lack of desire isn't partially tied to his lack of skill...

I mentioned this in another thread...and i'll say it again, but my statement is based on two assumptions: 1) his penis is not too small or too big for her and 2) he can last long enough to make her orgasm. If either of these don't hold true, then that sucks. But then also she would have known before they got married...so it's still on her...

Here's my point. If his size is right and his stamina is right, then any lack of sexual enjoyment on the part of the woman is entirely her fault. She needs to tell the guy how she likes it. You know...for guys, it's a lot simpler in reaching orgasm. But with women...to a certain degree, it's like starting all over whenever you're with a new girl...every single one likes things different. Take control of your sex life, people. Let the guy know how you like it.

If you girls tell the guy and they still can't/won't do it...then it's his fault. Or if his size is not right, then it's his fault...but what can the guy do? If he has no stamina...again, the guys fault.

as for the whole obigation thing...you know, i could see myself trying to physically please my girl even if i wasn't in the mood. for sure. it's not that big a deal.

[vashti]

Premature ejaculation is a BIG problem for men, funsounds. Also, in order for women to like you IN bed, they have to like you OUT of bed. We are not animals, and sex is definitely tied to the brain for women (not to mention our rapidly shifting hormones). True, some women don't know how (or what) to ask for, but I think blaming her entirely is very simplistic.

[Tone]

Premature ejaculation is a BIG problem for men, funsounds.

shh!, have you forgot?

We're on LF on the internet. This is not a problem for anyone here. The problem is they get tired from being so good giving 10 orgasms lasting 12 seconds each in a 4 hour period of love making, duh.

[alice]

1) his penis is NOT too small OR too big for her and

how could that be?