Finding it difficult to be attracted to my girlfriend

[Codo]

I know the title might be a little confusing, but I'm hoping for your advice. I've been going out with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now, and it's been our individual longest relationships. We were relatively good friends before we started going a bit more serious, and we both hang around with the same group of friends.

However, recently I've been finding it difficult to be intimate with her, or to find the motivation to have sex. Not to say that I'm a nymphomaniac, but I do enjoy it, and I believe that the physical side of a relationship is as much part of it as the mental attraction. Before, we used to perhaps do it once or twice every week or so, but that last time has now been over a month ago. I can get myself into a frame of mind to perform, but even then it feels forced.
I've also been picking up on a lot of her flaws where normally I would've overlooked them. For example, when we're out with friends, often she'll end up overly intoxicated to the point where I deliberately make conversation with others while she "cools off", or when I'm made to be the one making decisions all the time. Not the I don't like her respecting my opinion, but I'd like her input at times too - but I digress.
I also feel bad for this, but I've always known that she is a little on the heavier side, but it never mattered to me. I don't know how to explain it, but when I try to be romantic, her physical appearance is starting to become a factor. Is this just me being selfish?

In my own mind, reading this makes me sound like I'm just not greatful for what I have. She's a great girl with a lovely personality, but to an extent I'm finding myself becoming a little more distant. What am I feeling? Am I wrong in feeling this?

[tremolo]

So... it sounds like you're primarily unattracted to her because she's heavier than you'd like? Was that always the case or has that changed? You don't come right out and say what is putting you off the sex... what is it?

[devonbrown]

Every relationship has a little bit of a cooling off period. You are getting into the period of the relationship where you are "settling" into things with each other. It is understandable.

But what you have to do is talk to her. In a calm and non-accusatory way. She may be feeling the same way about things with you. You are in a relationship together, so it is up to the both of you to work on any issues.

Good luck.

[Codo]

It's not exclusively due to that, but when we first started seeing each other I thought about it briefly before we advanced, but it never bothered me, but now, especially in the bedroom, it's more prominent. To tell the truth, I'm not too sure what it is that's putting me off the sex - I would say that I'm not feeling a lot of physical urges to make moves. Sorry that I can't describe it too well, it's quite difficult for me even to understand.

[Codo]

Every relationship has a little bit of a cooling off period. You are getting into the period of the relationship where you are "settling" into things with each other. It is understandable.

But what you have to do is talk to her. In a calm and non-accusatory way. She may be feeling the same way about things with you. You are in a relationship together, so it is up to the both of you to work on any issues.

Good luck.

Thanks; I was actually going to ask if what I'm feeling's expected. I always knew that after the honeymoon phase ended that things would slow down, it's just that I've never been with someone long enough to recognise it.

[Vanity]

Your are right when you say,

I believe that the physical side of a relationship is as much part of it as the mental attraction.

You can love everything about a girl, but if there is no sexual attraction between the two of you then the relationship isn't going to work. People can say looks don't matter all they want, but it's not true. And no you are not being selfish, many men and women may lose attraction with their lover after X many years. It happens, you just have to figure out how you are going to handle it.

So what can you do about it? You need to find out what is putting you off of her. Is it her weight, is it the way she gets overly intoxicated, ect. When you figure it out try telling her how you are feeling. But be tasteful about it.

For example, if it's her weight you can say something like "I really want to start getting into shape and I would love if we could eat healthy and exercise together."

You can get her to change her ways without hurting her feelings.

[Boisdevie]

For example, if it's her weight you can say something like "I really want to start getting into shape and I would love if we could eat healthy and exercise together."

You can get her to change her ways without hurting her feelings.

In my experience this just does not work. A woman will only lose weight if SHE wants to lose weight. My ex wife got fatter and fatter despite everything I did to help - having the kids to let her go to the gym, cooking whatever she wanted. NONE of this worked.