How do I save a relationship that seems to be falling apart ??

[Curly954]

SOME BACKGROUND
ML and I have been going together for 3 years now. We are the same age (76 & 77). ML is a widow having lost her second husband in 2005 (a 30 year unhappy marriage), and I have been divorced and mostly alone since 1990.

10/22 Made arrangements to meet C & C @ 2 PM and have lunch at the Lobster Shanty.

I talked with ML on the phone about an hour ago and she was concerned about what we were going to "do" today. When I asked her for suggestions she came up blank and we talked about whether we should go out to eat or whether I should cook at home. (ML doesn't cook, since she considers herself independent which means no one can make her do anything she doesn't want to) ...... and cooking is one of the things she does not want to do. So is decision making as to where we should go to eat or most anything. It seems to be up to me to make the plans and decisions, but I wish I got more input from her as to what she wants to do.

10/24
We did have a nice time socializing with our friends on 10/22 but ML was a bit sharp with me. After eating we went to our friends home and played some card games. When we got home (to my place - we do not live together), and we had uncomfortable night full of tension and sleeplessness. We cuddled as usual when we got in bed, but there was no warmth or comfort in the cuddling for me, and I believe no comfort for her either. (That was confirmed the next day during our discussion.)

We had a long discussion yesterday about working on our relationship, what we wanted from each other, etc, which ML characterizes as an argument. She is very upset because I told her that I wanted her to talk about her thoughts and feelings, since I believe that type of communication creates a closer bond between us and makes us more sensitive of each others feelings and the more we know about each others thoughts and feelings, the stronger our relationship will be. ML disagrees with me and wants to retain her privacy.

She thinks I am trying to control her and to change her and maybe she's right. I really don't know.

Neither of us wants to live together now or believes that a live in situation would work at this point. Where does that leave us?? Are we just friends who are physically intimate and part time activity partners ? What is a relationship like that called ?

The long periods of silence between us are getting more and more uncomfortable and annoying for me. ML knows this but wants to maintain her reticence and prefers not hear my thoughts or about how I feel because she feels I am attacking and criticizing her.

For example, I told her that it annoyed me when she talked about her 1st & 2nd husbands, when we converse with friends at social gatherings. She does not think that I should mind that and I suppose if it were just a sometime lapse ..... I wouldn't mind so much. However she mentions them consistently in my presence at social gatherings. I told her that I consider that to be disrespectful and insensitive to my feelings.

I am becoming confused as to what my responsibilities are to our relationship and to her. I want her to be happy and satisfied with "us", but I don't know what I can do or say to nurture and encourage that happiness and satisfaction. She prefers that I don't express my thoughts and opinions because my opinions are usually not the same as hers.

When I talked with her on the phone a couple of hours ago, she sounded blue and depressed and we ended the call fairly quickly.

Her favorite question is "why" and my favorite question is "what". My answer to a "why" question is consistently - "I don't know why and any answer that I offer is pure speculation."

My opinions are usually base on facts as I know and understand them, but in too many instances, she will not accept the facts.

It seems to me that we are mentally and emotionally incompatible, yet we still love and enjoy each other and worry about each other (that's "caring" in my book).

Any suggestions or feedback will be appreciated.

[Benni]

My boyfriend and I are in our 50's. Neither of us want to live together. We've both been alone for many years and neither of us wants to give up our independence. We have fantastic sex together, care for each other, and we laugh -- a lot. We don't go out except to eat on occasion. We are both content with the arrangement.

There is no divulging of feelings unless volunteered and no pressure to speak of our pasts-- we live for the here and now, nothing else.

This kind of arrangement may work for you. I don't know, every one is different.

[bulrush]

You want good communication, which I think is an excellent idea and which I think is fundamental to a successful and happy relationship. ML does not want that. You two have very basic differences, and she doesn't want to change. Not only that, but she seems to have a temper. I don't see this going very far.

ML also appears defensive, and unable to take constructive criticism. I think you are a smart gentleman who can do better than her.

I know you are of a different generation than I (I'm in my early 40s) but women are responsible for their own actions. You cannot change them unless they want to change. So, since she doesn't want to change her ideas about communication, your responsibility is zero. You asked clearly for more communication, she clearly refused. End of story. Don't try to change her, you are wasting your time.

[Curly954]

Things have settled down between us now. We went to the beach yesterday morning before she went to her hospital job. Talked on the phone last night and made arrangements to have lunch at Pizza Hut today (her suggestion). She is working hard to please me and is succeeding. She also seems much happier now.



I took some personality tests online last night and came to the conclusion that I have a Type INTJ (introvert/intuitive/thinking/judging) personality.The good news about that is that I am fairly intelligent. The bad news is that my social skills are a level or 2 below that of an axe murderer. No wonder I've had relationship problems all my life. That also may explain why I had such a mediocre career in marketing and sales.

[Benni]

I'm glad things are going well. Hope it lasts, and improves further.