Fighting negativity

[mrtdg82]

I did vow on never posting a topic on this forum and just offering advice to others but now i feel like i need a little advice myself.

Ive been with my girlfriend for coming up to 6 years in what has been an on off (mostly on) relationship. Things are generally great however the one thing that constantly gets me about her is her negativity.

Im a glass is half full kind of guy, i do a lot of sports and live life to the max all the time however she is the opposite. We have the same interests and get on great but this is all we differ on and at times it drives me mad.

For example...

She is always in some sort of pain whether it be her knee, feet, head, stomach it doesnt matter something hurts often enough. And its not just a little sore or a bit tender it is agony every time supposedly (it clearly isnt ever agony but just discomfort at most but her overuse of the word agony really bothers me). The problem is that she states she has problems all the time with her body and it gets to the point where i never know when to believe her. I generally only make a big deal out of not being well if i genuinley am very poorly, or have really inured myself to the point i cant do something properly. I know some may say that things may be wrong with her and i am ignoring them, well after 6 years of absoloutely no medical discovery, or certainly nothing substantial i am beginning to have my doubts!!! Its not even if she does it to get out of things all the time, even though she will use it as an excuse on occassions (not for sex, she usually inciates that).

Further to that she constantly moans about her job, every day. I wake up everyday to a text saying 'i really dont want to go to work' or 'i hate work'. Id prefer a good morning text personally and have raised this with her but it isnt happening. i have told her to change job but she isnt interested she just says 'im tempted' but never takes action on it.

I personally think all this is due to her mum through her upbringing. Her mum wrapped her in bubble wrap obviously from a young age and even now at 23 years old she has to text her mum every day when we are on holiday to tell her she is ok. I went for a meal at a place about 150yards from her home last christmas with with her family. Her mum demanded she (the mum) got a taxi home as it was icey outside and if she fell over she would get hurt. I instantly disagreed saying it was a 5 mnute walk and im not wasting the money or embarrassment of such a stupidly short cab journey when we had walked there in the first place!

Anyway, tonight wegot into my car after a night round a friends and the first thing she said was 'ive got a massive headache'. I tried to explain to her that she had to more positive as she was always saying she was either ill or injured in someway and she just replied 'its because i hve a shit body'. I have tried to explain that i think a lot of the time she is turning small issues into big ones but still doesnt really listen. On the negativity part, she states she wants to be negative as then she is never disapointed. Anyway it just turned into a row tonight as i said i dont think she is ill as often as she makes out and that often she is just overreactting.

I have tried reassuring her, getting her to look on the positive side but it aint happening. Nothing i try works. She now even says she doesnt really want to have kids as it looks too painful (well she is in agony so often id hate to think what giving birth would do to her!).

I really dont know what to do....

[Mish]

Anyway, tonight wegot into my car after a night round a friends and the first thing she said was 'ive got a massive headache'. I tried to explain to her that she had to more positive as she was always saying she was either ill or injured in someway and she just replied 'its because i hve a shit body'. I have tried to explain that i think a lot of the time she is turning small issues into big ones but still doesnt really listen. On the negativity part, she states she wants to be negative as then she is never disapointed. Anyway it just turned into a row tonight as i said i dont think she is ill as often as she makes out and that often she is just overreactting.

Some people are more sensitive than others and they sense things differently, it's not their fault if they do. From you description it sounds like the two of you may not be very compatible, you should think about this because you won't be able to change her.

[mrtdg82]

Cheers for the reply...

Im not trying to change her, just positive thinking is far healthier then negative thinking.

[starbuck]

You say you're not trying to change her, but you have one mindset and she has another. You think yours is better and would like her to help her to think the way you do. That IS trying to change her. And although it would most likely help her in the long run, it's not something she will change, unless SHE wants to.

You can, however, change your reaction to it. Instead of getting mad at her, maybe you should try sympathizing with her. She sounds like one of those people that needs to vent alot. She probably just wants someone to "hear her", especially if she's in physical pain.

What's driving you crazy is not necessarily her negativity, but your opposition to it and your refusal to "give in" to the behavior. I would argue that you are not giving in, but only managing your own reaction so that you don't get aggravated with her. This is really the only thing that you can do here because it's doubtful you will be able to change patterns born of possibly years of negative thinking. Unless she wants to come around on her own and decide that SHE doesn't enjoy being so negative, the only thing you can really do is live with it (and modify how you react to it) or leave her over it.