My Lover Is Now My Friend...But I'm Still In Love

[DonkeyKong]

Well, here's my first post and it'll be a bit of a long one, so anybody who takes the time to read it and respond, I appreciate very much!

The first thing you need to know in this story is that Carly and I met in high school and quickly became very close to each other. We started dating and have been together 5 1/2 years at this point. Over those years we've experienced many things together - ups and downs that are typical of any long lasting relationship. But we also grew so close that many people (including us) thought nothing could ever break us up. I've actually been told twice during this dilemma by two different friends that she and I can't break up, because we give other couples inspiration and hope that two people can really stay together for the long haul. Granted, this is coming from people close to my age (24) and so neither of them are married or have had a relationship longer than a few years, but still it was encouraging to hear.

But one of the problems stemming from the fact that we rarely ever fought was that when something did become a problem, it started as a tiny, unnoticed problem and grew into something that did end up causing us to take a break from each other - the fact that we spent every single day together, and just got into such a routine that it became monotonous. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was smothering her by expecting her to come hang out at my place almost every day and even giving her the guilt trip if she didn't want to. It was stupid of me, I can see that now, but at the time I had no idea I was doing it. That, coupled with the fact that she feels stuck in a dead end job, and still lives at home with her parents (she's 21) and can't see that changing anytime soon, made her feel like she was "stuck" in this spot in her life.

I initiated a discussion one day in November to try and figure out what was wrong with us, and this discussion ended with us agreeing to take a break for awhile. It was not a "break up" at this point, but we were going to take some time apart from each other with the intent of eventually getting back together. She said to me, "I still love you, but if we keep going on this way I'm going to go crazy."

Then a very long time went by (about six weeks) where we didn't talk at all about our relationship. We agreed from the beginning that no matter what happened we would always be friends, and that has remained true up to this point, and I can't see it changing in the near future. But of course I was getting pretty frustrated with the fact that she knew I was waiting for her and wanted to be with her, but I wasn't getting ANY info from her on how she felt.

Finally about six weeks in to this thing, we sat down and talked. I told her a few of the things I've been working on about myself during this time, and a few things I would do differently if/when we got back together. I know it sounds cliche to say "But baby, I can change..." but I truly do intend to change, and have already made significant progress with my personal improvement during this time. I told her that I still felt very strongly that we could be together and make it work...be a couple and yet still retain the newfound independence that we needed from each other. She has a difficult time talking about heavy emotional subjects sometimes, so I really didn't get much out of her that night.

But two nights later we talked over AIM (she initiated this talk) and she ended up telling me quite a lot. She said that she agreed with the things I had said about there being a chance for us, and told me that she still loved me, but didn't feel like she was in a place emotionally right now to be in a serious relationship with anybody. But she said, "I don't want this to be the end of us," and "Please understand that I do still love you."

Here's where it gets tricky.

During our separation, she developed feelings for another guy. Now, she was the first one to admit the possibility that these feelings may have only come about because she needed somebody besides me to talk to about all of this, and he was there to listen. But the fact is that at this point, these two have developed a pretty close relationship and she has not denied thinking of pursuing it further.

The fact that she is being open and honest about all this encourages me. It's good to see that she is not hiding it or lying about it. And I trust her more than I trust any other human being on this planet, so when she tells me she still loves me, and I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice, I believe it. But, he's my competition now.

At first I didn't worry too much about it, because this guy is somebody who lives a SIX HOUR drive from us. Not only that, but they've never actually met in person (we met this guy on an online gaming network), he has kids (she's not so fond of kids), lives with his ex-girlfriend (who is also the mother of his kids), and it's obviously a rebound relationship, which doesn't tend to work out.

Now I'm not so sure. She is planning on taking a weekend trip to go and meet him. We talked about this, and I don't get the impression she's driving down there for a booty call, because she seems to be genuinely unsure if that's what she wants or not. Also, she's getting her own hotel room (I'm not naive, I know this doesn't mean there won't be sex involved). Originally she was going to fly because her car isn't too reliable for a trip that long, but we both agreed that it was better if she had her own vehicle to use while there so she wouldn't be totally reliant on him to get around, so I am letting her borrow my car. I told her that I think this is a trip she needs to go on, because regardless of what happens between them, it will help her figure out how she feels about them, about us, and about herself.

So now that I've shown her the support, I don't know what my next move is. I know that being so understanding and supportive of her feelings during this situation - even though it makes me uncomfortable - reflects well upon me. And I truly believe her when she says she doesn't know what she wants. I know that I still have a chance to get her back. But my question to all of you is, what do you think I should do to make myself the most appealing option? What should or shouldn't I do to preserve not only my chances of being with her again, but also the quality of our amazing friendship in the event that we don't get back together?

Thanks in advance for any advice, and sorry for the long post. I guess it was kind of a long story, since I left out quite a bit of detail and it still ended up this long!

[DonkeyKong]

I should also probably mention that in the last two months we've been broken up, we've spent quite a bit of time together just as friends, and she still calls me almost every day.

[cmacattack1]

That's the thing about taking a break: are you guys really taking a break? When you talk every day and do everything a couple does but aren't together, does that really make sense to you? Look what happened too: she was out there hitting it up with other guys while you are just at her side waiting for her and supporting her decision. Doesn't this kind of piss you off?

I understand you are in love and you will do anything for her but what seems reasonable about this whole scenario? She's going along with this and you are supporting her through this. What makes it so tricky is that now you can't badmouth this guy because it will just encourage her more. You are more to her than just a friend, don't act like a friend.

Oh and you guys weren't separated by the way. You guys officially weren't together but you were there as her cushion. She got all the comfort that she could want in a relationship from you, but now can meet other people and give them a chance. It's having your cake and eating it too. It's a win win for her. She could have this other guy that's new and exciting and if that doesn't work she has you to go back to as a back up plan. And I ask you again, none of this is pissing you off or upsetting you?

What I'm concerned about is your motivation for changing and becoming this better person for your girlfriend. You are doing this for her. What happens if she decides that she likes the excitement of meeting new guys and getting out there more after the same guy for 5 years? What will all this improvement be done for? You have to want to do this for yourself so that if you end up with her, or somebody else, you will be a better person regardless.

So you think she's the one and you would do anything for her. You are going to put all your time and effort into somebody that is exploring their options. While it clearly can't work between this guy and your girl, she is not going to learn anything from this if you are just going to catch her when she falls. She really has to be on her own to learn from this and become a better person. You do too. You have to think about yourself in this and put you over this relationship and do things for you. And the first thing you have to do is back away and take off her training wheels so she is riding on her own.

I'm not saying you have to go out and tackle a floozie to show her something, but you have to kind of dissapear from the picture and take care of yourself. How is she going to miss and appreciate you when you are there every step of the way? How is she going to see that she makes mistakes too if you are her crutch? How are you going to feel if she decides to not come back to you? You will have nothing and feel like there is nothing to live for.

[DonkeyKong]

I agree with most of what you said, and after seeing what you wrote on other people's similar problems I can't say I'm surprised. But I should clear up one thing at least: the changes I'm making ARE for myself, not just to win her back. I am looking at this in the light of a self-improvement opportunity, and if that happens to make me more appealing to her then great. I have made it clear what my feelings toward her are, but also that I'm not going to sit around and wait forever.

The real dilema I face is the whole friendship thing. She and I are still incredibly close friends, and when we have been seeing each other AS FRIENDS, without discussing the relationshiop, it hasn't been awkward at all, and we've both enjoyed it. I totally get what you're saying about me being her cushion for if (when) this other guy doesn't work out. Here's the thing though: most of the guys on here who are trying to remain friends with their ex seem to be doing it in hopes of getting back together with them. I do want to get back together with mine, but I also still want her as a friend even if we don't. So all these people giving advice on cutting off contact and such, well, it just seems to me like that would harm our friendship in the long run. I will say though that the times we are in contact right now, 90% of the time it's HER initiating contact, not me.

Another thing...the car issue for her trip. You make it sound like it's a bad idea for me to let her use my car, and I can definitely see your point. Believe me, it was something I wrestled with for a long time. But at this point, I feel like now that I've agreed to it I'm kind of stuck because if I change my mind now, it can only hurt the situation.

Right now I am more concerned with bettering myself, and preserving our friendship than saving the romantic involvement.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, I know I recycle the same phrases and same advice more or less, but that's because for most people they do not want to be friends after.

My question for you is what do you really want? Do you want to have a relationship with her? Or do you want to be friends? If you want one more than the other, you should concentrate on that. Hence me telling you that you should back away.

If you are willing to be friends and she wants to be friends as well, there shouldn't be anything stopping you, whether you give her some space apart or not. Relationships aren't the same. If you want a relationship with her, you have to act now. You can strike up a friendship with her at any point down the line if she still wants to be friends. Do not worry about whether this will hurt your friendship, because friends do their best to understand and I'm sure she would understand.

This is about what you want. What do you want more than anything?

[DonkeyKong]

What I want more than anything, is a hard thing to define. I am willing to settle for being friends if that's the best I can get out of it. But I want more than that.

Are you suggesting to go the no contact route? And if so...the car situation...ugh...I don't look forward to the conversation where I tell her I've changed my mind on that. I know she'll be understanding, because when we were discussing it to begin with she made it very clear she in no way expected this of me. But still...not looking forward to it.

[cmacattack1]

Well that's all on you. You are going to do what you want to do. You don't have to back out on a promise to her. But as soon as you are able to you I just think you should be backing away from her. It would be kind of obvious if you just all the sudden stopped callling her and stopped talking to her. You could just be honest with her, and let her know how you feel and that you want to be with her (which she knows) and that if that's not possible, there is really nothing else for you to do but back away from it. At least that way she'll know. That's if it's what you really want to do. In the experiences I have had and read about it seems to be the best thing for you but if you don't believe in it, your execution of it is going to be tough.

The thing about wanting to be with her and wanting to be friends with her if not, is that they are two different directions. Doing one for one might be impeding the other and vice versa. It just clashes. That's why you have to decide on one, the one that you want yourself.

[DonkeyKong]

I think she'll understand if I explain my reasons for changing my mind on the car issue. I'm going to have this talk with her tomorrow and then give the "no contact" a try...but not with any specific goal for our relationship in mind. She was the one who initially needed the break, and now I need to just let go and get away from the situation entirely for a while. Then, when I'm ready, I'll see how I feel about bringing her back into my life as a friend and we'll just go from there I guess. Thanks for your advice, it's helped me to realize this thing which I knew all along but couldn't bring to the surface of my brain. Sometimes it just helps to hear another person say it.

[Dogtoast]

I think she'll understand if I explain my reasons for changing my mind on the car issue. I'm going to have this talk with her tomorrow and then give the "no contact" a try...but not with any specific goal for our relationship in mind. She was the one who initially needed the break, and now I need to just let go and get away from the situation entirely for a while. Then, when I'm ready, I'll see how I feel about bringing her back into my life as a friend and we'll just go from there I guess. Thanks for your advice, it's helped me to realize this thing which I knew all along but couldn't bring to the surface of my brain. Sometimes it just helps to hear another person say it.

thats what this place is for!

The whole letting her use your car to go see this guy threw me for a loop. Its totally up to you, but theres no way in hell she'd be using my car for that!

[DonkeyKong]

thats what this place is for!

The whole letting her use your car to go see this guy threw me for a loop. Its totally up to you, but theres no way in hell she'd be using my car for that!

You know, I originally thought the same thing. And it's easy to see why. But my reasoning behind it was that I was still hoping that she'd go down there and that would somehow help her to realize how unrealistic a relationship with this guy is, and she'd come back to me. Now I realize that's wishful thinking. But at the time my logic was to let her use it because of my concern that she's going to go down there and be completely dependent on this guy who she's never met before except online and over the phone to drive her around, and then what if something goes wrong and he flakes out, or whatever. It was out of concern for her safety, both physical and emotional. But now I realize that I can't be viewed as holding her hand through this, that she needs to do this completely on her own and whatever happens happens. I'll still be her friend on the other side of it all but I'm not going to do anything that would make it seem like I'm trying to win her back, because I've given up on that. If she wants me back sometime in the future, great, but I'm done waiting and hoping. I need to stop waiting for her to make the decision for us and show myself (and her) that I have the power to make a decision too.

[cmacattack1]

The irony of it is is that when you stop waiting is when they start making the moves towards you. They get caught in a mental rut thinking you will always be around. And even when you are gone for a little while, it doesn't even feel real to them. That's why many relationships go the break up route because it takes losing something to really appreciate what they had. Sad but true.

They have to figure out how they feel and if they want something (you in their life) you better believe they will go for it.

[1337lizard]

this is depressing, it's like reading my relationship from a third person perspective. Literally the exact same scenario.

Dated for over a year, saw each other the majority of everyday, had a few dumb mistakes, she broke up with me, I changed myself for her, was very supportive, etc. etc. and yeah I did eventually get her back.

But last night she spent the night at another guy's house after lying to me saying that she went home. Avoid the bullshit. Go out, find yourself a girl, have a casual relationship. Seeing other women interested in you will help you realize there is more than just your ex out there, and there are a lot more women who can build a stronger bond with you than your ex could.

[cmacattack1]

2. Make her jealous too by starting a casual relationship with another girl, for a long time, you have given her the security in this relationship that she had not appreciated it, so don't be downcasted, if she starts to see another lady around you, she will fight back to secure her position with you if really loves you as she claimed.

Having a casual relationship with the purpose of making your ex jealous is wrong. It's petty, immature, and selfish considering you are bringing another person in the picture that might develop feelings for you and that's a whole other mess to sort out.

Seeing other women interested in you will help you realize there is more than just your ex out there, and there are a lot more women who can build a stronger bond with you than your ex could.

I think he makes a good point in that there are more than just one "one" out there for us. You kind of have tunnel vision because you are focusing on this one person you have given your everything to and don't even see anybody else out there. There are other people you can build a bond with like the one you have with your girlfriend, although it seems like a daunting task considering how much you invested in this one.

DonkeyKong's story really defined the reason why I've been scared to invest in a relationship. I've been in many relationships but I've always mentally checked out before I could become attached. I fell in love with my last girlfriend, although I didn't sort my feelings out until she dumped me and had a new guy. I was always afraid that I would give somebody my everything and they would get bored and lose interest and I would be left in pieces. But that's the risk you run when you enter a relationship and with experience and knowledge you can greatly reduce that risk. And the rewards always outweigh the risks.

[DonkeyKong]

Well, here goes...I am minutes away from having the discussion with her. I'm going to basically lay it out that I'm not going to be her "backup" guy, and that I'm going to make myself scarce for awhile while she sorts out what she wants from this new relationship, and that will obviously decide what's happening with us. I've realized that in order to mentally get myself past the point of thinking her as my girlfriend and to the point of thinking of her as a close friend, I need some time apart from her...to take a step out of the fire for awhile. Hopefully this time apart will allow both of us the time we need to move on and decide what we want.

[cmacattack1]

Good luck man. When you walk this path you have to stick to it. I'd put money on the fact that she's going to try and contact you anyway, and you are going to have to kindly remind her that you need your space and that she needs to respect that.