Marriage and children

[little pingoin]

Why is it that men complain when women bring up marriage and children on the first date but are eager to bring up the topic when I don't?

Marriage was never something I had any interest in, and I'm fairly certain I don't want to do it again.

Likewise, I'd like to have more children, but raising my daughter has taught me that I will do it my way and am fairly incapable of compromise on that issue.

Naturally, I am quite happy to avoid the topic so why do guys keep bringing it up?

[Mish]

Well, first date is not an ideal situation to bring the subject up. You are just getting to know the person, mentioning marriage at that time may set off alarm bells because no one is ready for that. I think it's natural for most people to talk about marriage later on once they feel comfortable in the relationship.

[Yggdrasil]

I think if someone brings up marriage during a first date, one should dump that person faster than a white hot iron.

[Gigabitch]

It's because you're not dating 26-year-olds any more.

[Doc Durian]

Likewise, I'd like to have more children, but raising my daughter has taught me that I will do it my way and am fairly incapable of compromise on that issue.

Based on the above sentence of cat sick you wrote, I would suggest to any man that they not shed a single sperm in your general direction, through intimacy nor repository.

[Chupacabras]

Anyone LTR minded needs to have the question of marriage and kids answered fairly early, at least abstractly (ie. "do you think you'll ever get married and have kids", not "do you think we'll ever get married and have kids"). However, never on the first date, this is the desperate woman red flag that men, correctly, run from.

You're going to have to discuss this with anyone other than NSA or STR minded folks. I don't mind the question after about one month of dating; it's pre-exclusivity and helps in the decision on which way to take the relationship.

[German_coco]

i'd have to agree Asking that kind of question on the 1st date is a no no

[little pingoin]

It's because you're not dating 26-year-olds any more.

I wondered if it was a 30-something thing. It seems more and more guys are becoming eager to settle down, but it still scares the crap out of me.

[Seradin DaCuir]

Why is it that men complain when women bring up marriage and children on the first date but are eager to bring up the topic when I don't?

Neither person on a first date should be bringing this up. You've known the person for a couple hours and you're talking about marriage and kids? Holy shart! I guess it's a good way to end a bad date.

Marriage was never something I had any interest in, and I'm fairly certain I don't want to do it again.

And again if you brought that up on the first date, I'd not be giving you a second one. It's a "date," not a matramonial bonding event. First dates are barely an introductionary event. People aren't interested in even thinking of spending the rest of their lives with the other person on a first date. That smells of "desperate."

Likewise, I'd like to have more children, but raising my daughter has taught me that I will do it my way and am fairly incapable of compromise on that issue.

What a horrible attitude! I feel sorry for the guy that gets to know you, commits to you, wastes a year or so with you, decides he wants to have kids with you, then you lay that crap on him. Nothing like knowing the child you made together will be raised "your way or the highway." You're a heartbreak waiting to happen.

Naturally, I am quite happy to avoid the topic so why do guys keep bringing it up?

To be honest, you should bring it up the first moment you see it's feasible to do so. That way, the person you're with can move on quickly to someone else.

Overall, you sound like a really angry person, bent on doling out some measure of retribution on "men" of the world for some un-said reason in your previous marriage. I think you need to recapture the love you had for yourself first, forgive whomever wronged you second, THEN consider dating again. You're not ready for it.

[Tug]

Rather than bring it up here on a forum on your next date why not make it perfectly clear that talking about marriage or children is not an option? He may not like the fact that you voice your opinion so strongly (especially if its a first date) and you more than likely wont see this guy ever again but at least you wont have to worry about someone bringing up the topic of marriage and children again. Personally it sounds like you have issues and it's no surprise that your raising your daughter alone and will be doing so for a very long time.

Best of luck

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[little pingoin]

A) I'm not bringing up marriage and children on the first date. A fair few of the guys are. Hence the curiosity. My understanding is this is not how it's supposed to go given I see a lot of guys complaining that women are too quick with that topic. Frankly, I'd prefer to wait at least a year for that discussion because I am of the opinion that you cannot really know a person before then.

Is this an OMG! I'm 30 and not married yet! I'd better get hitched and have kids before my parents die! sort of thing? Is this another double standard (the girl asks and she's a clingy psycho with emotional issues, but the guy asks so that must mean he has his life together to be ready for commitment)?

B) I'm raising my daughter on my own because, among other things, my ex-husband killed my cats. Violently. For pleasure. He cheated. He lied. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. He didn't work. As much as I didn't want to be a single parent, I had a responsibility to my daughter to raise her in an environment that would give her the greatest advantage in life that I could provide. I couldn't do that with him. I left.

She's an A/B student in the middle school honors program with a strong social network and a better sense of herself than most of the people my age have. If you've ever watched Gilmore Girls we are the short, blond version of Lorelai and Rory. I have no regrets.

C) We all have our issues. I am uncompromising on the issue of parenting. Becoming a parent is a choice. In making that choice, one obligates him/herself to become something greater than they were beforehand. I do not tolerate laziness in a parent. I do not tolerate inconsistency in a parent. I do not tolerate stupidity in a parent. Especially not where my child is concerned. I have a very strong sense of responsibility that is something that is very apparent as one gets to know me but is not something I really enjoy talking about on a first date.

[Doc Durian]

A)

B) I'm raising my daughter on my own because, among other things, my ex-husband killed my cats. Violently. For pleasure. He cheated. He lied. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. He didn't work. As much as I didn't want to be a single parent, I had a responsibility to my daughter to raise her in an environment that would give her the greatest advantage in life that I could provide. I couldn't do that with him. I left.

She's an A/B student in the middle school honors program with a strong social network and a better sense of herself than most of the people my age have. If you've ever watched Gilmore Girls we are the short, blond version of Lorelai and Rory. I have no regrets.

C) We all have our issues. I am uncompromising on the issue of parenting. Becoming a parent is a choice. In making that choice, one obligates him/herself to become something greater than they were beforehand. I do not tolerate laziness in a parent. I do not tolerate inconsistency in a parent. I do not tolerate stupidity in a parent. Especially not where my child is concerned. I have a very strong sense of responsibility that is something that is very apparent as one gets to know me but is not something I really enjoy talking about on a first date.

Why talk about anything? You've already decided how your children will be raised despite any well meaning father in the scenario.

Don't apologize....


....I apologize on your behalf to the many sane families I've met.

[Only-virgins]

Why is it that men complain when women bring up marriage and children on the first date but are eager to bring up the topic when I don't?

Marriage was never something I had any interest in, and I'm fairly certain I don't want to do it again.

Likewise, I'd like to have more children, but raising my daughter has taught me that I will do it my way and am fairly incapable of compromise on that issue.

Naturally, I am quite happy to avoid the topic so why do guys keep bringing it up?

I honestly don't know because I never would bring this topic up.